Monday, July 25, 2011

Second to Last "Bachelorette" Live-Blogging (w/ bonus presidential speeching)

Who will Ashley spend the night with? Will J.P. be filled with jealous rage? How long until Ashley realizes she's not that into Constantine? Will she do the right thing and just choose Dax/Ben and send everybody home early? We'll have to watch and see! What bastard is the show bringing back this episode?! Bullshit.

Ashley's in Fiji! She likes Ben's goofiness AND his sincerity. Ben's dad is dead, he's going to take down his emotional walls, blahblahblah. She says Constantine is hot and mature. But she does say their relationship is slow (but meaningful!). Also, she loved his loud, giant Greek family. Then there's J.P. Sincere, hot, a "grown man." Overnight dates with the dudes now! Ashley writes in her journal. I hope she's writing "I heart J.P. But Constantine's relatives do cute ethnic dances. What to do, Dear Diary?" WHO IS AT THAT DOOR? It better not be Ryan since she felt kind of conflicted about letting him go. But she sent him home, so why would he think he could come back?

Ughhh, it is Ryan. He thinks they need closure and wants to see if she is regretting it. At least according to the show's editing, she hasn't mentioned him since he left. Godddd. Stupid Ryan. Nobody likes you. She looks slightly horrified. "What's going on?" I don't think she's feeling it. Still. Dude, she already rejected you. Go away. Be a graceful loser, bro. She's still not responding. He thinks they didn't have a chance to see it through. I can't believe he's going to make her reject him again. He's giving her his hotel information. She's clearly not saying that she regretted sending him home, but doesn't know how to tell him "no" again. I hope she sends him a douchey text message. Ugh, she's actually going to consider it.

Anyway, it's Ben date time. Huzzah! Ben's got good deck shoes. They're going to go out on a fancy boat. She says she was so nervous when she talked to his mom, but so was he. He says she and the sister really liked her. Ew, Fiji is ugly and gross. His swim trunks are really ugly. The pattern is ugly. Oh, he's helping her with her sunscreen. Now she's straddling him and helping him with his. She says it's like they're on a honeymoon. Cute. Now they're snorkeling together and holding hands adorably. I think Ben is sincere when he says he's grown a lot as a person during the show, so even if (god forbid) he doesn't win, I think he'll be okay.

She called Ben a stud. His sweater is kind of see-through and tucked in. I do not approve. I still like him, though. He keeps talking about how easy it is when they're together. That's a good sign. He is totally going to drop the L-bomb tonight! Awww. His floppy hair looks better a little bit longer, I think. He's talking about her being with him in the wine country. Oh, this conversation is kind of awkward. "I'm available," he says. He says he's on his way to "the whole I love you thing." He is so going to show her how he feels in that fantasy suite tonight. Chris Harrison is so thoughtful! Now they're getting in the pool for kissing times. Dramatic music as he carries her out of the pool. She's falling in love with him, hooray! Now they're going to go do it.

She's on a date with Constantine and he's pumped about riding in an helicopter. The view is pretty, blahblahblah. Ashley refers to him as  "Greek god." That makes me uncomfortable. Oh, awesome shot of Ryan moping on the beach as the helicopter flies over. Rubbing it in that she hasn't talked to him yet. He's gazing out on the ocean, feeling feelings. Meanwhile, Ashley and Constantine have landed and are going to jump into a waterfall. This setting reminded both me and Isaac of Teeth. Not so romantic an association. He tells Ashley that he "totally" missed her. He looked at 108 houses before he bought one and says he was looking for a "man cave." He's telling her houses and women aren't the same, though. Duh. Ashley thinks he's going to need more time, which they don't have. Uh-oh, Constantine!

Ashley is wearing something gross and orange on. Constantine said he learned something wine-y from Ben. Ashley asks him about their friendship, and he says he respects Ben and would never try to break apart some people who fall in love. She's saying she isn't feeling the kind of affection she wants from him. He says he isn't holding back, though. It sounds like he wants to be done. He doesn't want to go to the Fantasy Suite with somebody he isn't in love with.

OH MY GOD ABC NEWS REPORT BULLSHIT, FUCK YOU AND YOUR "GOVERNMENT CRISIS," PRESIDENT OBAMA! Not going to lie, I kind of love the bitchy callouts, including calling millionaires and billionaires "patriotic Americans" willing to pay higher taxes. BTWs, why do Republicans hate the troops so much? Blahblahblah debts "the world is watching" blahblahblah. Don't you dare bring in an analyst, George Stephanopolous! John Boehner is going to respond now, too! EWWW. His skin is so orange. He'd fit in on The Bachelorette, at least. I'm not sure how I feel about his neon green tie. Boehner is APPALLED that the president would threaten a veto. Good god I hate John Boehner so much. Apparently his way of saving entitlement programs for his two daughters is by cutting them into nonexistence. John Boehner said "blank check," which is the name of a classic Disney kid's movie that I used to kind of love. He also thinks that taxing billionaires more will cost Americans jobs. Like, extra butlers and maids for their mansions? The people who clean their private jets?

Oh, back to the show!

I am filled with rage at Republicans and now Constantine is saying it's the "end of the road." Isaac wants some Boyz II Men. No luck. He's leaving now. It's for the best. Poor Ashley's getting no Fantasy Suite love tonight. Maybe it's the orange dress. That's what she gets for dressing like Kelly Kapowski.  Ew, it looks like she's going to pull Ryan back into the game. NOOOOO!

She's getting paranoid about other guys leaving now. Ben's not going anywhere. Ashley claims she's got "clarity" about the Ryan situation. Now they're hanging out. This is so awkward. I should drink my drink faster. Oh no, she is saying his leaving was premature. Really? She just got dumped. BUT. Oh good, she knows it was the right thing. She has the passion with Ben and J.P. and not him (or Constantine). Ryan claims he's happy for her. He believed she'd say she has regrets. Nope, doesn't. Also, she keeps calling him "Ry." Blech. He's crying (again) since he got rejected (again).  Thank god she's letting him go again. Hee was filled with so many false dreams. Just like Ashley with Bentley. Maybe they ARE perfect for each other in their cluelessness.

Now Ashley is wearing some awful rug-pattern shirt thing as she meets J.P. I like J.P.'s shirt. It's like heather gray but blue. Is that called heather blue? I like his bro athletic shorts with cargo pockets. I do like Ashley's earrings, though. They're flying on a pontoon? seaplane thingy. She calls J.P. her emotional "rock." Ben could be your rock too if you confided in him! They've gone to their own island. She really likes Ben, but I think J.P. has the edge. He's displaying his jealousy right now. Why is she wearing jean shirts in the ocean? Those will never dry, honey. I feel like the show is telling us J.P. will win, but sometimes producers are tricky bitches.

J.P. and Ashley are cuddling with white wine now. I'd demand champagne or red only. He says it "doesn't matter what [they're] talking about." They don't seem to talk about much of substance except the other guys. J.P. is trying not to gloat about Constantine. He was scared Bentley came back again, but it was Ryan. She is worried about him being "hung up" on her other relationship(s). He kind of is, though. She's telling him not to hold back. This situation is synthetic. She's giving him the Fantasy Suite envelope. I think Constantine is a stand-up guy for being honest and ducking out gracefully. Unlike others we won't mention. J.P. "fulfills everything [Ashley's] ever been looking for." That's serious. J.P. is too scared to drop the L-bomb, even though he knows he is in love with her. He should tell her. That would totes seal the deal. Though Ben was scared, too.

Rose ceremony. Presumably she's not sending anyone home, otherwise there wouldn't be another episode. She and Ben are "most compatible," but she "can't describe" her feelings with J.P. She's got a "mission" to make sure the guys really like her and are ready to get engaged next week. OMG ridic.

Excited about "Bachelor Pad," though sad there's no overlap with this show. Ashley is "ready to be engaged," apparently to whomever. J.P. is so fucking jealous. Bad sign, I think. I hope he's not a controlling asshole in real life. It's the fucking game, bro. They're going to meet up with her family next week! Reunion show on Sunday night. Oh, I will have to live-blog that too. So excited!

1 comment:

  1. Why don't they ever let crazy delusion WOMEN come back and surprise the Bachelors?