Monday, May 30, 2011

Live blogging the second episode of "The Bachelorette"

Bros fighting bros for the attention of a tan lady with self-esteem issues. Can't wait! I was considering taking a booze break tonight until I remembered that this would be on, and I cannot watch The Bachelorette sober, it is too embarrassing. I just recently discovered Chambord-flavored vodka, which is quite tasty with Sprite-type product for the drinking. The previews show us that Ashley cannot tell when she's being lied to! Heartbreak ahead, young one. Keep refreshing this page to get new commentary every few minutes. Or just read it when I'm done or skip over it completely because you don't care about this show like I suspect is the case with most of you.

Group dates begin! Oh masked Jeff, so excited to get to know you better.

William, who has an illustrious career at a cell phone kiosk is going on an individual date to Las Vegas.

Isaac tells me that when I was getting my noodles ready, the dudes in the house were aghast that Ashley was driving the fancy sports car, even after William got picked up. I tend to like it when the dude drives because I want to get drunk. But I think they were more concerned with proper gender roles.

Phantom of the Jeff is taking the "stealth approach." I am looking forward to seeing what the Dax Shepard/winery guy is like. He seems pretty normal, even if his hair is just as unfortunate as Dax Shepard.

BTWs, looking forward to the new weight loss transformation show on after this! "Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition"--no joke. I don't care if the "obesity epidemic" is bullshit and fat hatred is a serious problem, I just love trashy TV in which people overcome obstacles!

Ashley is being treated like a celebrity in Vegas. She is also wearing a tiny white dress that is like Cher's "underwear" Calvin Klein dress in Clueless.

I'd punch Ashley in the face if she slammed cake into my face.

She's fucking with William and acting like their planning on a wedding. He followed through and said "I do," but she's hesitating. "Not yet," she says. Now they're kissing because the pastor said they could!

I am not going to lie, I kind of wish I were single just so I could go on The Bachelor and just confuse everyone by neither acting correctly femininely nor actually liking whatever bland bro is supposed to be the "prize."

As they get into the rowboat to go out to a dinner in the middle of the Bellagio fountains, I think perhaps Ashley should consult the Am I Wearing a Dress? flowchart.

"I'm looking for someone who's serious." Ditz voice! He didn't go to college, but his alcoholic dad is dad. CHARACTER DEPTH! He's making Ashley cry. His watch is broken at his dad's TOD, and he still wears it. That's kind of creepy. Ashley's dad is a boozer too! They're emotionally broken twins!

TYRA MAIL! Group date invite.

Ashley is totes into his serious family tragedy side and gives him a rose. Now they are making out in front of the fountain and Ashley's fans are creepily cheering from the street. Ominous previews show us that Bentley is a douche--the guy she was warned about, so I don't know why she would ever trust him unless she's merely a glutton for punishment.

A bunch of the dudes head to Vegas for their group date. Ashley's going to be "juggling" twelve guys. Her jeans are very tight and she's wearing them with white high heels. I do not approve of this look. I love it when the contestants talk like they've planned every element of the date, instead of the producers.

A dance crew performs. Ashley joins them on stage because apparently she dances or something. Blake the dentist is worried about dancing. There are two crews of dudes performing against each other. The winning crew will stay and perform in the show, and the other dudes have to go back to the mansion.

I love watching these guys, who are not dancers, trying to choreograph a routine. Dax Shepard is enthusiastic is about this event. One team is doing a rose ceremony dance, and the others are doing a wedding routine. The hairstylist is going to be the groom! Bentley just has a creep aura about him. How can she not see that?

I do like that one of the team's called themselves "No Rhythm Nation." They won. Blahblahblah. Half the dudes are leaving, but Dax Shepard and Bentley are still here. The bros going home are depressed. West the Lawyer is cute and came up with the clever dance crew name.

Ashley's "living a fairy tale" with this dance performance. They all have masks. Too bad Phantom of the Jeff isn't here, he'd have to go mask-on-mask. Bentley says with no emotion that this is the "coolest thing he's ever done." Some other dude just called her body "incredibly tight." Which, while true, kind of creepy to hear.

Sorry, I missed a little bit while hanging a blanket out on the line (yes, it's still light out).

West the lawyer is widowed. I like his interesting jacket. He's trying to explain why he's reserved. He's freaking her out with his seriousness. Ashley is so touched. "That's pretty heavy," she says. He's totes ready to put himself back out there. God, he's cute AND deep.

The bros are battering William about his single date. God, so much masculinity. Yuck. Bentley is competitive and loves her butt. He doesn't like her, but he does like beating other bros. She's "not his type." Apparently his type has icky butts. He misses his daughter. His poor kid. Her dad sucks. She's begging him to stick around if he "feels something for her." Gross. EW she is giving the rose to Bentley. WHY?! She must have a thing for dudes who don't like her. West actually likes her, though. Can't she tell Bentley is covered in a sheen of smarm?

Another date card comes with a coin toss for a one-on-one date. Mickey with the spiky hair and glasses gets to go. He's a CHEF. J.P. feels so "deflated." Like a PENIS, am I right?

Whoa, I am not too sure about Ashley's white blazer. I am not sure how she remembers these dudes names. She must have flashcards. They coin-flipped for red or white wine. White won. Blech. She has to take a swing up some sort of tall wine storage area. Now he's carrying her. But they keep flipping coins. Now they're looking at manta rays. Now she has to answer a "truth" question. She cried while watching the season she was on. I don't know if I could watch a reality show with myself on it.

God, Mickey looks like a Ken doll. Phantom of the Jeff is wearing a hat, too, and pacing by the pool. He's giving an "I'm not here to make friends" speech!

Apparently the Mickey date has another leg. Mickey is an only child, but his mom is dead. He's a "huge mama's boy," which Ashley is totes into. Sounds a little bit gay to me. I think they screen these dudes with three questions: 1. Are you white? 2. Are you generically attractive? 3. Do you have a deceased loved one you can confide in the bachelorette about?

She is "unsure" about her feelings and wants to flip a coin for the rose. He's getting it and not going home. She claims she was just fucking with him, which is kind of mean. Some musician I don't recognize is now performing for them. Oh, it's Colbie Caillat. Jason Mraz's ex-girlfriend or whatever who does that cotton commercial. Never mind, Wikipedia tells me they just sang that one song together.

This rose ceremony is feeling a little bit "real."

J.P. finally gets a chance to talk to her. He's going to flip a coin for a kiss. Woo! OW! williams' doing a George W. Bush impression. West thinks he's a douche. I trust West's instincts. Surf hair is wearing a wall street shirt and teaching Ashley some line-dancing. This random blog calls it an "asshole collar" (colored shirt with white collar). William is being a little bit douchey and rubbing in the fact that he has a rose and is kissing up and kissing her face.

Phantom of the Jeff is lurking from a balcony again. The mask "isn't a joke." He's cornered Ashley on the stairs. He had a brain thing several years ago and got divorced. Another dude interrupted them before he could take off his mask!

This guy is claiming he had to kill thousands of Spartans to get in to talk to her. She thinks he's funny. Bentley is such a DOUCHE. He's picking her up. EW. Now she's on his lap and he doesn't want to talk. Now they are kissing YUCK HE IS SO GROSS. His talking head interview said he didn't enjoy the kiss. She says she is sensing sincerity in him. Her sensors need repairs.

Rose ceremony! Three dudes are going home tonight. She wants the guys to have "faith in the process." She thinks her husband is in the room. Weird. West was first! Hooray! He is so cute. The Spartans guy got one. I love these dramatic pauses. Surf hair gets one too. Phantom of the Jeff gets to stay! And J.P. No longer deflated. Totes INflated, bitchez! I'm pleased Dax is staying on. I love that Chris Harrison tells them it's the final rose. She chose the dentist. Now they can be Type A together!

The guy who called his mom is now calling his mom to tell her he's been eliminated and expects french toast when he gets back. The hairstylist is also gone.

Looks like next week Bentley is going to break Ashley's heart and she's going to crawl in bed and cry. OMG, after-credits footage of Phantom of the Jeff swimming and eating chips. He looks so ridiculous. I love it! Apparently he also vacuums in boxer shorts. Can't wait for next week's trashy drama!

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