Wednesday, February 15, 2012

From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: Dark Beauty

Olivia and the scuzzy guy hatch their sordid plot. You don't even know how many pairs of black jeans he was packing when he thought they were running away to Aruba together, you guys.
Isaac is working overnight on Valentine's, but luckily we had a romantic (haha!) dinner over the weekend and he gave me extravagant/incredibly thoughtful presents and now I am making him presents with construction paper and drinking and watching TV. Dark Beauty on LMN stars Elizabeth Berkley (AKA Jessi Spano) which is clearly an automatic "must watch." I will sort of live-blog it below:

A man is in the shower. Elizabeth Berkley in a terrible short red wig joins him. Ew, they just called each other Mr. and Mrs. Miller as she got into a car to go to the airport. The man gets shot.

Three years later. Rich man's birthday. His sister-in-law thinks now-blonde Jessi Spano is a saint because she donates money to her clinic or something and invites her there. FATEFUL MEETING! Her cheekbones are unfortunate/totes fake.  Rich guy wants her to stay in town. They are going on a date tomorrow, but current/ex-girlfriend or maybe just friend? artist lady is jealous or something.

The photographer lady is struggling with her LA Post job. I think she may use her investigatory skills on Olivia (Jessi Spano) later. She comes upon Olivia arguing with a sketchy dude behind the clinic. His license plate says "1 PARLAY." Douchelawyer?

Olivia and Richguy go on their date to a spot overlooking some baseball stadium blahblahblah his dead dad. IMDB tells me this movie is also known as Black Widow. NICE. Photog lady's assistant encourages stalking Olivia. I thought I recognized Richguy "Danny" from somewhere, and apparently he was the intense minister guy on the Kellie Martin Christy. The Scottish guy was way better.

Photog lady and her assistant are trying to dig up info on Olivia. Tonight's the night of the photog art show, and Olivia's trying to keep him from going. Oh, the photographer is Mel I guess. Supposedly Olivia has a PhD. She and the rev are hot-tubbing and not showing up to support Mel. Olivia threatened Mel about getting between her and the Rev and now she's manipulating the fuck out of Danny. Mel is using her sneaky reporter skills to track down Olivia's DOB. Olivia is suspicious.

Olives tells Danny that Mel is stalking her, which is basically accurate. Mel sets up the Parlay guy so she can rifle through his stuff, but he and Olivia might catch her in the scuzzy guy's hotel room. Don't worry, he doesn't find her hiding in the closet somehow. Olivia shows up and is like maybe dating the scuzzy Parlay guy? Anyway, Mel somehow gets away. Olivia wants Scuzzface to take Mel out, but Danny comes to confront her about the stalking and interrupts him. Danny thinks Mel is totes jelly.

Mel's assistant consults with the local newspaper computer nerd and finds out the Parlay company's cover is part of some sort of charity embezzlement money laundering shit or whatever. So much for not stalking anymore, Melface! Danny proposes to Olivia. Meanwhile, Olivia figures out that the dummy corporation that runs the free women's clinics is run by a bunch of fake people who are probably all "Olivia." Mel assigns her assistant to get a picture of Olives so she can ask somebody else if it is the same lady that was married to a guy in Texas for less than a month when he was tragically murdered blahblahblah.

Scuzzface runs Mel off the road, but she is saved by some random good samaritan car-fixing dudes. Apparently Olive and Danno are eloping tomorrow. Office nerd guy brings the assistant coffee and gives her tips on how to do sketchy research. Olivia is pissed Scuzz was unsuccessful and pretends she's going to run off with him now, but she is totally going to kill him. Don't worry, Olivia takes the incriminating paperwork in his hotel room with her.

Anyway, some more stuff happens and Mel and some Texas lady confront Olivia, who shoots Mel (non-fatally), and the cops show up and shoot Olivia and blahblahblah happy ending. Mel is totally getting a promotion to reporter at the newspaper! Danny apologizes for not believing her and they are going to be friends (or more?) again now. Mel and her assistant ride off into the sunset or whatever to solve more newspaper crimes.

This movie could have been more dramatic and ridiculous and the acting was actually not super-terrible, but I will give it an extra boost for keeping Ask Elizabeth working.

Overall rating: 2.5/5 ironic thumbs up