Ten years later, George W. Bush tells the Nat Geo channel about his "personal" 9/11 story. His face still makes me want to punch something. Mostly his face.
GWB tells us about his 9/11 morning run in Florida. His Secret Service wear little running shorts, and he's got knee-length shorts of some kind (BROOOO). How has he not aged in the past three years? It probably helps not being president anymore.
Georgie talks about sitting in the classroom and getting news of the second tower. His job is to protect people like children from attacks. He didn't want to freak out the kids, so he kept reading the goat book until he could make an escape. I love how he never calls our country the United States. It's always "'Merica." He tried to say "horror" just now, and it came out "horah." I think that's a subliminal reference to the clear Jewish conspiracy surrounding 9/11. Oh, the third plane was a "declaration of war." On American architecture. Oh, the stewardesses on Air Force One were sad and scared. Luckily, Bush gave them Presidential Hugs. He had to get back to D.C. to "make the decisions to protect the homeland." They wouldn't let him go back right away, though.
He just referred to the hijackers as "the enemy." There was a "lot of sadness on Air Force One." OMG picture from the plane that day and his ridiculous belt buckle. He told the Air Force to shoot down commercial planes that didn't respond. Isaac (local expert) says Cheney gave that order and that it was later. Bush keeps talking about being a "wartime president." Now he's talking about DECIDING in "the fog of war." There are few things he loves more than decisionating.
GWB felt a lot of frustration that day. God, I should be playing a drinking game for "decision" or "decide." It was "awesome" to hear Laura's voice from a secure location and know she was okay. AF1 finally lands in Louisiana for some reason. The "kid" who drove him at the AF base there was driving too fast! He just said "in-u-un-dated." Apparently there were too many images of Alaskan natives on TV that day. Bush records his speech. Remember "faceless coward"? This is less an "interview" than only GWB's words, though presumably in response to somebody's questions and then edited later. They next flew GWB to another base in Nebraska. Even faceless cowards don't want to go to Nebraska. CIA director George Tenet first mentioned Al Qaeda as possible perpetrators. But Bush insisted they let him go back to Washington because "I damn sure wasn't going to give [orders] from a bunker in Nebraska."
Giorgio finally gets back to D.C. He talks about flying past the Pentagon in Marine One. There's footage of him swaggering across the White House lawn. 'Cause COWBOY. He's like, "Everybody wanted me to declare war that day, but I totally restrained myself, bitchez." His evening speech needed to be equal parts touchy-feely and nakedly aggressive. Both of which sound sexy, so that's basically perfect. Poor Bushie tells us how he had trouble sleeping. He was told late that night that the White House was under attack. He is sure to tell us that he grabbed Laura and their dogs to go to the bunker. It was but an errant F-16. He knew some pretty "consequential" days were about to unfold.
Now it's September 12th. He called the terrorists "thugs." Nice. That has absolutely no racial connotations. Apparently, oceans don't actually protect us from attack. Who knew? He says going to the "site of the death" was part of the healing process, which was apparently a day or so long. God, footage of him at the WTC site with Rumsfeld. Fucking Rumsfeld. They started talking about Iraq being involved on September 15th. (Isaac claims this is also untrue, BTWs.) Bush was again "determined" to send a blunt message about justice and also pursuing justice and achieving justice. 9/11 caused him to "make many decisions." DRINK. Wartime president again. ANOTHER DRINK.
Bush is now talking about heading down into the WTC site by helicopter. I think he's getting a little bit choked up. For some reason, he feels like he must shake everybody's hands. Ew gross, first responders "U.S.A." chant. The pile of rubble he got up on was a destroyed fire truck. How apropos. He's groping that firefighter. Totally off-the-cuff megaphoning. The crowd can't hear him, but HE HEARS THEM. Jingoistic chanting continues. "The terrorists never won." Then why did you keep saying liberals were helping them do so? "They just didn't understand us." Apparently America is an angsty teenager.
President Obama called Bush personally to tell him about Bin Laden's death. Bush did not feel any jubilation, however. Just more justice. Blahblahblah cowboy president. I don't miss you. The end.