From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: My Future Boyfriend

CLOCKS! 'Cause time travel that will never really be explained, but we'll be able to do that shit in the future, so let's just skim over that part, mmkay?

My buddy Brock recommended this fine ABC Family original film, My Future Boyfriend, to add to my Netflix queue in the "ladymovies" category. When I started watching this masterpiece, I knew it needed to be blogged.

I wrote a NOVEL, you guys.

Premise: Generically attractive* P-A-X-497/341 is an archaeologist in the year 3127. He uncovers a romance novel at a dig site and becomes intrigued since apparently there is no such thing as "love" or "sex" in the future. Pax defies his boss Fred Willard and goes back in time to meet the novel's author, quirky tabloid writer "Elizabeth Barrett," played by Sara Rue, who has just published her first book in 2011. Pax shows up at Elizabeth's office and she has to write an article about him. Will they fall in love? Or will we be too distracted by the shoddy "science fiction" elements to care?

"If you go back in time, this'll be an even bigger disaster than the last time I hosted the Mayflower Kennel Club Dog Show!"

Meanwhile, Liz is dating some generic business bro. And Pax shows up in the past and accidentally gets drunk and embarrasses them at her book launch party. Don't worry, Pax gets over it and shows up at the Strange Times  offices again the next day just in time to help Liz with her new regular column about the future! Liz's sassy office mentor is all wink wink nudge nudge about him being cute. Liz has to explain what love is to Pax and they go watch people being in love. Also, this takes place in New Orleans and there is jazzy music at important junctures. Pax tries out kissing on Liz and she totes feels something before she makes him stop!

Also, in the future people wear bland colored clothing and don't use contractions in their speech. Uh-oh, Liz almost forgot her dinner with Richard! But Liz leaves Pax with some kid from her office that likes her. Pax is concerned that his time is running out. His bracelet thing will bring him back to the future automatically in only 14 more hours. Pax is upset that Liz and Richard are going to get engaged. I'd be upset too if my boyfriend had a diamond ring baked into a pastry to propose. Blech. Also, Pax is watching their private dinner from under a table and they discover him and it is awkward and Richard is pissed! But Liz thinks he's cute. Also meanwhile, the Secret Service is looking for Pax because he's been spending 2012 hundred dollar bills in 2011.

"But I'm only slightly less generically attractive than that weird future guy!"

Pax shows up at Liz's the next morning and she's all, "I'm engaged" but then they end up almost kissing again. Uh-oh, the Feds tracked Pax to Liz's house! But the agents are all WTF about his stories from the future. They tell Liz he's either going to be locked up in an insane asylum or in jail for counterfeiting money. She kisses him and he tells her she's leaking when she's crying. If Pax wants to stay in the past, he's going to have to take off his retrieval bracelet/watch thing. But he's being officially arrested, so he'll have to take it off! Fred Willard's going to be all, "Wha' happened?" when Pax doesn't come back. But in the future, no one has strong emotions, so he merely  retrieves the bracelet from the time machine thing and expresses mild dismay.

The hippie lady from the office is all, "Liz, if you are engaged, why aren't you happy?" And she's like, "I like the future guy." And the hippie lady is like, "I knew it!" But Liz seems convinced that if you date someone for a long time and they propose, you have to get married because of inertia or something? But Fred Willard comes back to the past to retrieve Pax and gets arrested too, so they have to break out and get their bracelets back. Apparently the Secret Service and the NSA are incredibly hapless compared to the cunning of these future-ites who are now attempting to drive a car. Liz is just reassuring Richard that she's totes still into him when Pax comes to say good-bye since now he has to leave in 3 minutes. And he gives a speech about love and whatnot! He wants Liz to go back to the future with him, and it is really awkward! He says he loves her as the Secret Service comes to get him. And Fred Willard and Pax are gone now! Pax was totes telling the truth, you guys.

Watching people be in love. And FALLING in love with each other, amirite?

Back in the archaeology lab, Pax's eyes are leaking. Fred encourages him to go back and run into Liz where she met Richard and take his place because it's not like they couldn't break up or something. And so he does go back to 2010 and apparently Pax and Liz will now live happily ever after due to his manipulation of time and space! And I guess maybe he doesn't need to ever tell her the truth about who he is or something? Whatever. The end.

It lived up to my super-cheesy ABC Family romantic comedy expectations, so 3/5 ironic thumbs up.

*Apparently I recognize him from ten years of Seventh Heaven commercials. Of course he was on that show.