|Another great movie about virginity!|
Jim Carrey drives an ice cream truck and is trying to get it on with his girlfriend in the truck. Apparently he has no access to a bed. She's like, "I'm too good for fucking in your truck." Still a virgin, incredibly young Jim Carrey! Everybody else on Lover's Lane is doin' it but you. His pals at the creepy clown hamburger stand debate whether or not the pressure to get laid to prove one's masculinity is a good thing or not. (Seriously, but only very briefly.) One of them looks a bit like Pandora Boxx out of drag. In a good way, obvs. They're going to go out on the town to find some other, easier ladies. Watch out girls, ice cream man on the prowl! The vampires correctly peg the ice cream truck as full of virgins and call their boss.
The girls in West Hollywood like to do choreographed dances on the street and/or walk a pet LION? (Probably not ladies, actually.) Or they do bikini/car photo shoots on the sidewalk. Also, the title track "Once Bitten" is awesomely generically '80s. One of Jim/Mark's friends just ordered "three beers" and the waiter didn't even ask questions. Apparently at this bar, you can call different tables on lip-shaped phones. Buddy Russell says to Table 17 that he's into "Surfing, candlelight dinners, and Tolstoy." Yep, she's not a real lady! She calls him a sissy for not being into it.
The Countess calls Mark over to the bar and she is so hot. They're going to "share her champagne" AKA she totally drugged it. Mark's buddies get into a run-in with some lady's husband and Mark and Countess run off together before the cops show up. Countess gets him into her limo. Russell considers getting patted down by a lady cop "getting lucky." Mark gets taken back to Countess' mansion. She pours him some wine from her blood fridge and goes to "slip into something more comfortable." If she comes out in a giant t-shirt and sweats, I'll give this movie all the stars.
Haha butler Sebastian "came out of the closet centuries ago"! He can help her reapply her makeup because GAY. Mark admires the painting of naked Countess on the wall. He touches her painted boob! She's into the fact that he's in school to be an electrical engineer. And he rambles awkwardly as she bites off his shirt buttons and then takes his pants off. OMG Sebastian's casual jodhpurs. One of Countess' lackies is a Confederate soldier she turned back in the day. And there are a bunch of vampires that live in a coffin bunk room or something? Whatever. Countess doesn't give a shit if Mark has a girlfriend. She just has to suck his blood two more times.
|Raw hamburger. Don't you just want to EAT HIM UP?!|
|How you say, "Double standard"?|
Russell and Mark's other friend go to pick up chicks at the laundromat. OBVS. Russell makes the other one approach some poor girl. I'd be PISSED if some dude tried to hit on my while I was laundering. Russell gets scared when some other lady actually responds to his overtures. FEMALE SEXUAL DESIRE IS DANGEROUS! Also, the other friend (Jamie/Pandora) got shoved in a dryer. All the clothes in the store Robin works at are white or pastel pink for some reason. She is wearing giant pleated white pants now, guys! OMG, Mark is trying on pants at the store and Countess is hiding in the dressing room. Robin's pants are cropped, too! And Countess is ruining things with Robin. Also, she just non-consensually sucked his blood in the dressing room. Apparently she sucks it out of his dick? Countess is going to get rid of Robin.
|Sometimes I want to be like this to old people on the phone at work who ask me questions that I have no answers to but then I just Google it for them because they are old.|
Mark is dressed in all black and Robin is pissed that she is Jill (without Jack) for the Halloween Hop. Mark keeps insisting that's he's not wearing a costume, but everybody thinks he's a vampire. Countess cuts in on the dance floor. Ruh-roh! To the amazing song "Hands Off" Robin and Countess dance-fight for Mark. And he plays air guitar on his leg.
|You think it's wild now? Via.|
|Slightly more wild AKA convenient lace skirt and leotard under "Jill" costume.|
Anyway, Countess kidnaps Robin so Mark will come back to her murder mansion to save her. He brings his bros along to save the day. They untie Robin way too easily and run into a bunch of tuxedoed vampbros. Since when are there twin vampbros? Countess is going to tie Mark to a dental chair and suck his inner thigh blood. HARD. If he gets away somehow, will he still be a part-vamp? The vampbros let the humans go. Robin thinks Mark doesn't actually want Countess because she's "mean and evil" but Robin is "nice and sweet and pure." Gross. Do you guys think there might be some virgin/whore symbology happening here?
|Not into the whole "transformation" thing. Via.|
|More or less comfortable than a dorm bed? BTWs, Sebastian is judging you SO HARD right now.|
Kind of awesome? 3/5 ironic thumbs up!
BTWs: This is my 666th post! Coincidence? NEVER!