Energy Drink Review: Monster Ultra Red

Whatever.

Monster Ultra Red, guys! So this can is apparently some sort of patriotic tribute to summer jobs? The can copy:

Change can be a good thing when you make the most of it…like those endless summers working mindless jobs. They pay just enough to survive (party), but somehow you save enough for that last road trip before starting “real life.” In homage to coming of age in America and in keeping with our Monster family tradition, comes another change worth making.White, Blue, and now Ultra Red: Light, crisp, refreshing with zero calories and zero sugar. Made right here in the USA.

I have to say I enjoy the increasingly ridiculous/arbitrary justifications they name for endlessly producing new flavors of chemical caffeine water. I tried the plain white Monster Zero Ultra and thought it was all right, but I hadn't seen the blue and red ones in the store before today. They only had white and red at the SA, so I'll keep my eyes peeled for blue. The Sexy Gay Jesus knows I love me some patriotic kitsch.

FLAVOR: Some pretty solid fruit punch-iness.

EFFECTIVENESS: Perfectly fine.

Turns out I don't really care about writing about this drink. I recommend it if you like fruit punch things, but clearly it hasn't inspired me to creative heights or anything. It's certainly not making me appreciate my low-paying "mindless" job like it aspires to. Maybe because I've already "come of age in America"? I'm 30 now, people. I would say I hate everything, but my apathy won't allow it. ekasdgjioadg