Energy Drink Review: Monster Zero Ultra

Thank the Sexy Gay Jesus the opaque can has kept me from imagining that I'm drinking laundry water. Or worse, something COCONUT-flavored! Via.

So I'm a big fan of Monster Absolutely Zero. It is delicious as well as effective. At the grocery store the other day, while perusing the energy drink section, I spotted yet another Monster flavor I hadn't tried: Monster Energy Zero Ultra (it's DIFFERENT, you guys). Depending on whether you think energy drinks are liquid death, or for those of us in the know, liquid LIFE, you may or may not give a shit. But this can has funny texture bumps on it and claims it was formulated at the request of, among others, "Monster Girls."* Supposedly this bev is less sweet and "lighter-tasting." It's for sexy girls, I guess! Which is totally me. At work. Let's see if this is drink is any different from Absolutely Zero.

FLAVOR: Okay, it is definitely a bit less sweet than Absolutely Zero. A lot more citrus-y. It's not bad. I appreciate the fact that it has zero sugar since I'm concerned about rotting my teeth. I have no dental insurance right now, but I did go to a dental hygiene school for a cleaning and a dentist there was like, "Oh, drinking Diet Coke is like bathing your teeth in acid."** And I was like, "Yeah, I'll totally cut back/start drinking them really fast to reduce exposure." Which is not very likely! But I do have four new cavities (one day I will find a way to get them filled) and lots of ugly staining, apparently. So maybe I should listen? Or maybe I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, but continue to feel vaguely guilty about ruining my teeth  my parents paid so much money to make straight or maybe try to get into weird, canned Taiwanese coffee since it's not full of acids or whatever. And I will buy some fucking cheap tooth-whitening crap and call it a day. But so this drink is pretty good, is what I'm saying. A while later, as it has warmed from sitting out for a bit, I'm not as fond of the flavor, but it's not gross or anything.

EFFECTIVENESS: It works like any other decent energy beverage. No crazy high, but I've been drinking it at a relatively slow pace (take that, Dentists of America!). I feel relatively alert right now, but hopefully that will last since I have to be here for three more hours and it is a SLOW week for the Lord, people.

Overall: RECOMMENDED, IF YOU LIKE THAT SORT OF THING. It didn't blow my mind, but if you don't like Absolutely Zero for some reason, apparently there is another, weirdly white, sugar- and calorie-free Monster option for you.


*This website is blocked by my work because it is categorized as "swimwear." WTF. 
**Note: This is not the first dentist to have told me that, and I'm not even including the dentists in the ProNamel commercials, whose product I dutifully use, so really my teeth could be worse than they already are.