Energy Drink Review: Mr. Brown Iced Coffee

The Caffeine King was also seduced by this silly can.

So I got into energy drinks because caffeine is the best and coffee is gross. I've had roughly two cups of coffee in my entire life, but I know that I don't like the flavor because sometimes people are like, "Let's make a delicious chocolate cake WAIT JUST KIDDING, LET'S MAKE IT MOCHA COFFEE ESPRESSO WHATEVER-FLAVORED JUST TO MESS WITH LAUREN. And I'm like, "This is kind of bitter and gross." All this said, I saw Mr. Brown Iced Coffee for sale in the foreign foods section and I was like, "You are so dapper, Mr. Brown! What with your three piece suit and hat and beard and enthusiasm!" This is a product of Taiwan. Now I am trying to non-racistly figure out what ethnicity Mr. Brown is supposed to represent or whether that should be significant at all. Is he meant to be Colombian? Or is he supposed to look like Pavarotti? Because he looks like Pavarotti:

Am I right or am I right, people? Ranjit agrees.

The Mr. Brown line of ready to drink coffee is distributed by King Car, which calls its energy beverages "functional drinks" on the English version of the website. The company's mission is to "Always be graceful and care for the society." Apparently King Car has an educational foundation that  "promotes better social morals and preserves traditional values which are core elements in building a harmonious society," which sounds like some Republican claptrap to me.* They also sell whiskey. OBVIOUSLY. But anyway, I'm going to try to drink this drink for science. I suspect it will taste like cold coffee and I will not like it. Luckily it is only 8.12 ounces.

FLAVOR: Okay yeah, it tastes like coffee. Though cold it is easier to take big gulps and I am not minding it too much. I didn't get the black coffee one, so I think the sugar, milk powder, and "emulsifier" in this drink are helping it be a bit more palatable. The flavor itself isn't terrible, but the aftertaste is like, "Oh hey, your mouth tastes like old coffee now." And that just reminds me of public school classrooms, which always smelled like old coffee because DUH if you had to wrangle bratty teenagers at 7:30 in the morning, you too would brace yourself with as many legal stimulants as possible.

EFFECTIVENESS: I feel like it's doing a little something for me, but since coffee is the standard by which most energy drinks measure themselves as far as caffeine strength, I am not sure it will impress me, what with my obscenely  high caffeine tolerance. Okay, I drank it all. It gave me a minor boost, but I'm glad I've got a couple of Cokes* with me today. I should be adequately alert until my 2:30 break and then I'll open one of them.

Hey guys, how cute/weird is the little "drink responsibly" symbol from the Kavalan Whisky website?

Do not drive your car or scooter into a giant wine glass!

Overall: LUKEWARM RECOMMENDATION--like the temperature of the coffee if you let it sit too long. I disliked it a lot less than I thought I would, but in the end it's not strong enough or tasty enough for me to consider drinking regularly. However, if you like coffee and making it is, like, hard or whatever, it may be a decent substitute. And how can you resist Mr. Brown? He's a classy opera singer who somehow manages not to spill coffee on that all-white suit of his.

*Remember when I told you about the origins of "claptrap" in a footnote?
*Diet, OBVS.