"Consequence-free sex" doesn't exist, is bad argumenting anyway

In light of the recent SCOTUS decision involving Ye Olde Hobby Lobby and private corporations' rights to impose their owners' beliefs upon their employees, I've been hearing a lot about how sluts just want their bosses to pay for them to have "consequence-free" sex. I'm sorry, what? Ain't no such thing. Yes, people who can get pregnant are particularly concerned about being able to have control over that particular consequence of heterosexual intercourse, but, like, you're making two terrible logical leaps by using this rhetoric.

1. "Consequence" is a generally pejorative term used to indicate a deserving punishment for someone who has done wrong. This only makes sense in this context if you believe sex is inherently wrong (at least for women). Jessica Valenti covers this effectively here. DON'T THINK I DON'T GET IT, CONSERVATIVES, I DO. Remember how I used to be Mormon? As a somewhat politically moderate (but still completely cut off from my own sexuality) religious teenager, I believed--somewhat confusedly--that while we certainly had no right to bar a particularly woman from getting an abortion, that pregnancy was a literal consequence/punishment for having sex. Having in the intervening years thought this idea through to its logical conclusion/also had sex/also seriously considered parenthood, I now believe and think that 10/10 non-assholes would agree that no child should be a "punishment." It's not a great start in life for an innocent baby to be born as "Oops Shit Fuck" or "Shoulda Worn a Condom" or "WTF You Said You Were on the Pill" or "Now My Life Is Over" just because its parents rubbed their junk on/in each other's junk.

Additionally, these conservative attacks on contraception are part of a larger anti-woman/anti-reproductive justice campaign and upon, of course, health care reform. SCOTUS has argued that because a "closely-held" corporation like Hobby Lobby's owners are super-Christian/Pro-Life/shut up and go away, it's cool that they've decided they don't want to pay for actual comprehensive health care for their employees. The decision actually acknowledges that Hobby Lobby's purported belief that contraception like hormonal birth control, IUDs, and the morning-after pill are abortifacients is COMPLETE AND UTTER BULLSHIT AND NOT TRUE AT ALL, but the court thinks it's cool if they use this deliberate misinformation to screw over their workers because of saving babies or some shit. Hobby Lobby, do you really want every single one of your female workers (which I'm guessing is a large portion of your part-time, minimum-wage-earning retail staff) to risk pregnancy every single time they have sex (even/especially the appropriately Jesus-ly married ones who may even already have a bunch of kids or have an abusive spouse they are trying to escape from and a baby will tie them together FOREVER)? Do you provide paid parental leave and subsidies for and/or on-site child care? NO? Then fuck you. Oh, you're cool with covering vasectomies because it's fine for dudes to decide they don't want to have any or more kids? QUADRUPLE FUCK YOU. Misogynist fucking pseudo-religious corporate welfare bullshit nonsense.

It's a consequence!

2. No human actions are "consequence-free." When reasonable people, especially lady feminists that I follow online, responded negatively to the court's decision in Hobby Lobby's favor, douchebags call them irresponsible sluts who should shut their legs and stop whining about wanting to have "consequence-free" sex. First of all, who are these dudes fucking? Probably mostly straight ladies who they probably mostly don't want to ALWAYS get pregnant.  But let's ignore the sexual double standard for a second and talk about "consequence-free." Sex is not consequence-free, whether or not you're using contraception. Neither is eating or waking up in the morning or wearing or not wearing your seat belt or telling your spouse that you love them or having another beer or putting on those sexy green pants today or not calling your mom often enough. They may be tiny, even imperceptible consequences, but each decision puts into motion a series of events.

So let's talk sex consequences. Let's assume you are having some PIV sexy times and you are protected against both pregnancy and STIs. What are some other possible consequences?

• You enjoy yourself.
• You're a little sore the next day.
• You feel a strong desire to wash your sheets.
• You figure out you're not really into that one position or act or whatever.
• You mentally chastise yourself for bringing home some law school douche against your friend's advice who gets whiskey dick and has the audacity to a) ask for a non-reciprocated blow job, b) stay all night despite nobody finishing or particularly enjoying themselves, and c) request your phone number in the morning even though you're about to catch an international flight and then will be moving states in like two weeks. POR EJEMPLO.
• You stay up too late.
• You realize you really, really like the person you're boning.
• Your ex finds out and gets jealous and acts like a baby on social media.
• Your roommates judge you for being promiscuous.
• You want to do it again.
• You are really hungover, which is not really the sex's fault, but maybe you wouldn't have done it without all the shots in the first place.
• You experience a mind-blowing orgasm that takes you to a higher spiritual plane.
• The person you're fucking starts to get a little too attached and you have to let 'em down easy.
• You decide it's okay to not fuck anybody else for a while.
• You get a pretty good story out of it.

CONSEQUENCES. Everything has consequences. Science makes it possible to avoid some of the most inconvenient/possibly health- or life-threatening consequences. Like pregnancy, childbirth, and dreaded venereal diseases.Yea, science and medicine! It treats kids' cancer, too, so you can't say it's all bad.

People are going to Do It. They're Doing It right now. Even if you think women (esp. UNMARRIED ones) should be punished for Doing It, you probably Do It, too. Everything in life has consequences. Nobody's asking to eliminate consequences. That's not how the universe works. But if you think that sexually active people (women) deserve to have to undergo the discomfort and danger of pregnancy and childbirth and THEN raise unwanted children from banging once instead of just maybe learning an awkward lesson about who they shouldn't go home with or an awesome lesson about who they should be with FOREVER AND EVER, I don't even fucking know what to say. You are a killjoy, probably a hypocrite, and almost certainly a dude. FUCK YOU BUT NOT LITERALLY BECAUSE YOU WON'T LET MY EARNED INSURANCE* COVER BIRTH CONTROL AND I WILL NOT BE HAVING YOUR ASSHOLE, JR. BABIES THANK YOU VERY MUCH.


*Haha, employer-subsidized health insurance! Cute. Temps and adjuncts don't get that. We pay out of pocket for our coverage, but my Nuva Ring costs $0 a month, so there. THANKS FOR THE SLUT PARTY, OBAMA!