Monday, July 14, 2014

Energy Drink Review: Warrior Fearless

This is me buying things at Jonzy's. WISCONSIN CABIN TIMES!     
 Photo by the younger, cuter Lauren.

I was in Wisconsin this past weekend doing cabin times with my eight closest improv friends (AKA Snack Time) and I am not quite recovered. Luckily, I was able to pick up a coupla random looking energy drinks at the local beer and candy and liquor and frozen pizzas but mostly booze store, Jonzy's. I was severely disappointed that the locally made Jonzy's brand liquors I'd been promised no longer exist. I punched my friend for ever saying that they did and then I stayed in his family's cabin all weekend.

This can of Warrior Energy has sweet-looking barbed wire and some other shit that looks like a tattoo some bro would have, so you know it's going to be good. WARRIORS! Full disclosure: I also bought a sugar-free Warrior Attitude that I used part of for a cocktail Saturday night, but this was around the time we were trying to play Quelf in the middle of the night and it was terrible and complicated and then I had a laughing fit/emotional breakdown that lasted like ten minutes when Mike Trost kept talking in this weird gnome voice, which was actually part of the game but I couldn't handle it. Anyway, so obvs it was not the time or place to do a review so here we go with this flavor.

I actually caught the can flying through the sky all wet like this.
"Whether you're an athlete pushing the limits, a student doing what students do, working for the weekend, or a weekend Warrior--prepare to battle the day with an energy boost from Warrior. Put on your armor; grab a Warrior Energy Drink and WIN WITH WARRIOR!"
I am ready to win this workday. I just opened the can and the drink is blue. This bodes well. Tragically it seems the part of the website that offers "Warrior Gear" is not working. I really wanted some barbed wire-decorated bro tank tops. This drink appears to mostly be available in the upper Midwest and also Kansas and Missouri.

FLAVOR: Kind of a fruity blue raspberry thing. Maybe? Or maybe I was swayed by the color. Yeah, okay. It just tastes like a generic energy drink. Sweet and chemical-y. This can's flavor is identified only as "Fearless" and has blue writing on it. Apparently the other flavor is "Attitude" and has red writing. So, I don't really know what that means. This beverage contains a "proprietary energy blend," which pretty much just means it's homemade liquor made of fermented anti-freeze and leaves.

EFFECTIVENESS: Halfway through the can. It's working decently well. My legs are bouncier than they were before and I'm definitely feeling more alert. Okay, I finished it. I feel so fearless. Or at least awake.

OVERALL: This is a perfectly adequate energy drink! If you can find it in rural Wisconsin or in South Dakota or whatever, you might as well drink it.

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