Friday, October 30, 2015

Horror Classics: Hellraiser

A bunch of people have told me I should watch Hellraiser and that I would enjoy it. I am skeptical, but here goes! This is a 1987 film with a guy with nails in his head!

We're in some kind of foreign market. Fancy coffee with sugar. I guy with real dirty fingernails is buying a mysterious box. CUT TO: Now this guy is sweating shirtlessly in a square of candles in a dark room, holding the box. He's trying to find a way to open it like it's a Rubik's Cube. He finds the button! Now fog and blue lights appear. He pushes on different parts of the box that are now sticking out. He turns some shit and puts it back together. Weird blue lightning comes out of it and then some hooks pull on his really clay-looking stomach flesh while he screams.

CUT TO: a nice-looking two-story brick house in a cloudy place in the fall--the trees are nearly bare and there are leaves on the ground. Inside, there is a bunch of food just left out on the counter. In the disheveled bedroom, a bug approaches a tiny porcelain figurine of people fucking. In another room, lots of chains and hooks hanging from the ceiling with pieces of flesh sticking on stuff. A pale bald due with shit sticking out of him walks on the various entrails and shit on the floor. He searches through the remains for a piece of a face and puts it together with some other pieces. He's got so many nails in his head and now he is fucking with the box, putting it right as blue lights go back into it. All is quiet and light in the house now. 

There are cobwebs everywhere as a couple fiddles with the front door lock. White people with '80s hair have arrived. The dude calls it "the old homestead." She is wearing the most amazing '80s businesslady blazer. He's wearing a Robert Stack/Skinner trenchcoat. The dude couldn't get his brother to agree to sell the house after his mom died. There's some weird shit in there. The British wife hated Brooklyn, she smokes and is unhappy about this place as she puts a cigarette out on the wood floor. There are religious statues all over the place. The guy finds disgusting piles of maggots in the kitchen. The wife screams from upstairs. They find the bedroom. The guy finds the fucking figurine and knows his brother Frank has been there recently. The phone rings downstairs. His daughter is on the phone. She's found a room, she doesn't want to stay with them. Upstairs, lady goes through a box of photos. They are sexually explicit. Dude doesn't think his daughter should bother to get a job. Lady steals one of the non-fucking photos of Frank for herself. Her hair is majestic. He's got amazing pant pleats. They agree to move in on Sunday.

One of the movers asks if there's any beer as they take a break moving a mattress up the stairs. He and his bro leer at businesslady. Their daughter '80s-ly walks along a waterfront wearing a leather jacket. Okay, now she's made it to the house. There's still furniture outside. She's confused by all the weird religious statues outside. She comes inside and the sleazy mover hits on her. Her name is Kirsty. Julia is the stepmom/businesslady. Kirsty kisses her dad real close to his lips. HER MOTHER'S DEAD. Kirsty is trying to make coffee and struggles with the faucet and ends up breaking it. Water is so hard! Julia rips off the lady's face in the photo of Frank she stole and has a flashback to Frank coming to her door in the pouring rain, asking if he can come inside. He's hotter than his brother. He had come for the wedding. Julia hides the photo as Kirsty comes asking for a towel JUST LIKE FRANK. Kirsty hears noises upstairs where Julia is staring down over a railing. 

Julia wears wonderful plaid pleated pants and walks into a dark room upstairs. Like, was there a fire in here? The windows have been papered over. More flashbacks: leather jacket Frank asks, "What should we drink to? You gonna let me kiss the bride?" He feels her lips and mouth with his finger and she is into it, I guess. He kisses her violently, and she is also into it. They are partially undressed and she wonders, "What about Larry?" He opens his knife COOL SEXY AWESOME. "Forget him," he says, and slices off her camisole strap. She is still into and runs his finger over her own teeth. Then they lay down on the bed on top of her wedding dress to fuck. Back in the present, Larry grunts while trying to move the mattress upstairs. This of course blends in with the flashback sex grunts. Frank has some kind of anatomical heart tattoo, I think? Larry's hand scrapes up against a nail sticking out of the doorway. "It's never enough," Frank says in the past. "Julia," Larry says in the present. Julia tells Frank she'll do whatever he wants, but then Bleeding Larry bursts in on her in her reverie. He's going to faint from the blood, which soaks right into the floor!

Underground, something soaks up the blood. Julia gets Kirsty to drive her dad to get stitches. The floorboards up in the dark room shake and begin to throw off their nails. Rats back away. A liquid bubbles up and there is some kind of smoke. Slimy legs burst out of the floor. The blood is forming into... something. The legs have some feelers between them. I think a head is being formed. The feelers sprout into a neck, I guess and pick up the head. There are some ribs. Fingers sprout out of the ooze. The guy screams in his bloody ooziness. Now, at dinner, Larry's telling a hilarious story about doctors. Another dude eats part of a cigarette or something as a joke for Kirsty and is trying to get her drunk. Julia's out of spirits and wants to go to bed. Larry insists no one else leave. She kisses their friends, but not Larry. She goes upstairs, away from all the laughter. Whispering at that upstairs door. Julia goes back inside the singed room to masturbate some more, I guess. God, her look is so on point. Those pants! Those pumps! She finds rats eating some of the body goo. The gross dude grabs her leg. He tells her not to look at him. She wants to know who he is. He's Frank! "No!" His brother's blood brought him back. He wants her help. 

The dinner party downstairs is SO FUN! Kirsty's a little drunk and is headed upstairs. Her cowboy boots are baggy and wonderful. Frank needs more blood. Kirsty's in the bathroom. She sees Julia lurking on the stairs creepily. A train goes by real fast. Kirsty's dude walks her. She's wearing a great hat. She sees a bearded homeless dude staring at her. Kirsty doesn't like Julia--"She's uptight and frigid." She and this jean jacket dude start making out in a subway staircase. Back at her dad's, Julia lays awake, plotting in a too-small bed, as Larry sleeps. 

The only two actors with any on-screen chemistry in this movie and only in flashback. :(
She thinks back on fucking Frank (again) and he asks her again if she'll do anything for him. She agrees. She gets up in the present and tells Frank she'll do it. Gross fleshy Frank is pleased. Is he, like, hungry or anything? Somewhere, Kirsty has wet hair in a room of flying feathers and hears a baby cry as blood flows out of a corpse under a sheet in a candelit room. So much blood now. She moves the sheet, and it's her dad, I think? The boyfriend wakes up from the nightmare on the floor in Kirsty's room. He then wakes her from a (the?) nightmare herself. She's so sweaty. She's worried about her dad. She calls him and he answers. Julia lies awake. Frank listens. Larry reassures Kirsty that he's fine. Frank hears that Kristie had a bad dream. 

Next day, Frank watches Julia leave for work in a lovely black skirt suit and sunglasses. She's at a fancy bar day drinking. A dude wants to buy her a drink. She agrees. She ends up bringing him home. As a sacrifice, I'm guessing. He's so into Julia. Too bad she's gonna murder you/get you murdered. She's not into making out with him. He starts to get mad. She brings him upstairs to The Room. "This isn't the bedroom," he says. "We don't need a bed, do we?" she says. "I've always preferred the floor." 

She locks the door with a key, but leaves it in the lock and starts to undress him. Her star earrings are amazing. He takes off his pants and has sexy tight whities. He needs to pee and she attacks him with a hammer. Blood! Blood for her boo! She's got some splatter on her face. Frank tells her not to look at him and she leaves the room as Frank comes to the body to feed. Julia takes off her golden blouse and washes the blood off her hands. She's kind of freaking out, which makes sense. First murder and all. 

She goes back in the room and finds the business douche's body all shriveled and bloody. Frank is already able to stand. He's got more flesh on his bones. "We both want that, don't we?" She does, because she wants to BONE HIM. She doesn't want him to touch her, especially as he calls himself daddy. Larry is home and she has to go, just as he started groping her boob. She's moving the body to another room, for some reason. "You want a cookie, little girl?" Larry asks through the bathroom door. She says she's feeling sick and asks for a brandy. She's got to wash all the blood off (again). She goes back to find Frank. He says his nerves are starting to hurt and just needs one or two more bodies. He's got to escape from the cenobites, whatever those are. "We belong to each other now... like love, only real." She licks his finger again.

Kirsty is working at a pet shop that is very hectic. The bearded homeless dude is there, staring. He's stealing and eating crickets, I think. She is kicking him out of the store. The boyfriend shows up and the homeless guy is gone. Back at the house, Julia brings home another business douche. She hammers his head and Frank takes what he needs. She's done a better job keeping the blood off and not freaking out this time. She drinks and makes a steely stare. Her eye makeup is so purple right now. She smirks. Frank is more substantial, wearing a shirt and smoking now. He can taste the cigarette. Julia wants an explanation. He shows her the box, which opens doors--"to the pleasures of heaven or hell, I didn't care which." The cenobites gave him pain and pleasure. They are creepy and pale. Hooks pulling flesh off. Blood. Nail head guy. Apparently Julia was able to see the flashback. "They won't get me back," he says. Julia's going to help him get away. Sure, they'll never find him.

Julia and Larry watch a boxing match on TV. She's into the bloodsports now. Larry likes it, too. Frank bangs on a wall in frustration. Julia claims she's left a window open as Larry goes to check the noise. She doesn't want him to get killed. To distract Larry, she starts kissing him on the stairs. He insists they go check out the noise. He hears a rat in The Room, where they have been impaled on nails. They go back to the second floor to fuck. Frank was hiding in their room. Julia doesn't want the light on, but keeps making out with him, even while worried about Frank. Frank comes out of the closet with a knife as she says no. Neither Larry nor Frank stop what they're doing. She starts to cry as Frank cuts open a rat in front of her. Now Larry stops and is confused that she doesn't want to fuck. She changed her mind! It's allowed! No means no! 

Larry and Kirsty are at dinner at a shitty Chinese restaurant. He tells her Julia won't leave the house. He wants his daughter to come by and try to make friends with Julia. At the house, Frank wears a slimy suit and insists that Julia find another guy soon, or else he'll go after Frank. Kirsty sees Julia bring the dude into the house. Uh-oh. This bespectacled dude says he gets lonely sometimes. "Everybody does," Julia replies. They go up to The Room as Kirsty approaches the front door. The dude figures things out a little too early as Kirsty tries to get in downstairs. Why would she go inside now? To hear her stepmom fuck some dude? Frank tells Julia to get out. Kirsty's inside, snooping around. Don't go opening doors, girl. Julia's hiding in another room up there. A weird Egyptian looking statue sits on the banister. As Kirsty gets to the top of the stairs, the guy falls out of the door and asks for help. Then Frank comes out after him. He tells her who he is. "Come to daddy." He also calls her beautiful. Gross. I think he's going to rape her, but she grabs at his guts to get away. He gets mad when she grabs the box. She throws it out the window and he screams. She runs away, with the box now.

Nuns on the street glare at Kirsty. She staggers, dazed, and falls down on the sidewalk. A red carnation blooms in her mind where Frank's face used to be. She wakes up in the hospital. A nurse watches a white carnation blooms on the TV. Boring show. She won't answer Kirsty's questions. Kirsty tries to get up, but is dizzy. The doctor insists she get back in bed. He's got the box. She claims she doesn't remember it. She's going to have to talk to the police, for some reason. He leaves the box, but locks the door, again, for some reason I don't really understand. She fondles the box and little pink light sperms come out of it. Music and lights as pieces pop out and she stares. Pinkie pushed in and blue lightning. Then it moves into the star shape and a doorway opens up in the wall. Don't go in, girl! But she does. There's always so much smoke/fog in creepy places in movies. Like, I'm too asthmatic to ever be in a horror movie, I think. 

Kirsty enters the mysterious passageway. A baby screams in the distance. She keeps walking toward the cries. It's like your dream, lady. She sees something blocking her way. It's a big gross red demon thing. It's slimy and has an alien face and claws and a scorpion's tale. Chomp, chomp! it chases her. There's no end to this hallway. She manages to get back to her hospital room and the door has been closed. She tries to fix the box, but it won't budge. Smoke starts to come out between the cinder blocks in the wall and the IV bag fills with blood. The TV flashes flowers and the bag bursts. A creepy flesh-faced cenobite guy in leather approaches her and puts his fingers in her mouth. Nail head shows up. He says she summoned them. "Demons to some, angels to others." She says it was just a puzzle, it was a mistake and she doesn't want to come with them. She tries offering them Frank in her place. The other demons are unconvinced, but Nailhead is open to the idea. 

Maybe it's all the energy booze, maybe this movie is just really straightforward, but I am not having the trouble following the plot I often do while drunkenly watching horror films. 

Julia and Frank contemplate Kirsty ratting on them. Frank says they can't leave until he's got a new skin. Larry will be home soon. Back at the hospital, Kirsty's boyfriend is looking for her, but she's gone from her room. It seems Larry's blood has done the trick, and Frank is basically back to normal now. Now he and Julia fuck. Kirsty's escaped from the hospital and is banging on her dad's door. Julia opens up and Kirsty wants to see her dad. It looks like Frank has just put Larry's skin on top of his creepy body. Kirsty hugs him and tries to warn him. "Whatever Frank did is unspeakable, but it's finished now," Frank/Larry says. They say Frank is gone, dead. They had to kill him. Kirsty says she has to see dead Frank as he continues to pretend he's her dad. Julia takes her upstairs to where the body that is actually her dad lays steaming. The door slams behind her. Nailhead and his minions are back. Kirsty says they can't have her dad. 

Julia tries to stop her on the stairs. "Larry" says they can all be happy there. "Come to daddy." Kirsty realizes it's not her dad and scrapes her dad's face. Now he pulls his little blade out at Julia holds her still. Kirsty dodges and Frank accidentally stabs Julia. Kirsty continues to run upstairs. Frank steals Julia's essence and tells her it's nothing personal. Then he goes after Kirsty, who continues to run upstairs. She goes into the storage room across from The Room. Why don't you lead him back to the demons? She opens a closet and a giant Jesus statue falls out and scares the shit out of me. She hides behind some stuff. The Larry skin hangs off Frank's skin where Kirsty scraped him. A demon spews some maggots onto Kirsty out of a dark corner, but she manages to keep quiet long enough for Frank to leave the room. She immediately gets up, because she's stupid. Keep hiding, girl. Don't lean on the railing, you'll get pushed over. Frank comes up behind her with the switchblade and she backs back into the Room over her dad's desiccated body. He tells her it's all all right and she calls him a bastard.

The blue light and smoke are back. Here's pokey face and his minions. Chains! Pillars with hooks and flesh! Chompy teeth! The demons tell her it's not for her eyes. "You set me up, bitch," Frank says, but a hook pulls his flesh back before he can get to her. Teeth chomp. Kirsty cries. Run away, girl! Hooks on chain pull her dad's skin off Frank's body again and he licks his lips and says, "Jesus wept." Yeah, okay. She runs out. One of the minions corners her. She finds Julia's body on the bed, holding the box. Kirsty pries it out of her dead hands and tries to undo it. Nailhead wants to show her the sights, but she figures out the box. He tells her not to do it. She tells him to go to hell. She pushes it back together and they disappear with lightning. Outside, the boyfriend knocks at the door. It begins to collapse around her as he makes his way inside. She is so much hotter than he is. 

One more whateverbite tries to grab her as she puts more parts of the box together. The minion with all the necks almost gets the boyfriend, who is apparently named Steve. The corner of the box does something and when he opens the door the hospital hallway chaser comes through. This fucking box. It's got her arm and is clacking its teeth at her as she grabs for the box. Steve tries to help with it, but she shoves him away. She gets it back in place and the last(?) demon disappears. They go outside. She enjoys the rain and Steve puts his jean jacket over her shoulders. The windows of the house light up and the photo of Frank burns. Apparently the whole house has burned now? Or they're at another set of carefully contained fires. She throws the box in one of the fire piles. The hobo is here, now! He reaches into the fire and grabs the box out. He's consumed with flames and turns into a dragon skeleton, which flies away with the box. 

Now the box is on the table in a foreign market again. Another dude is there to buy it. OKAY, COOL. THE END.

What even was that movie?

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