Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I thought the comics page was supposed to be "family-friendly"

I thought I'd pass over this latest depressing installment of "a life not worth living" AKA Saturday's Pluggers, but my roommate reminded me how horrible it was, and I had to blog about it. More evidence of drug abuse and the heavy, crushing dread that comes from last-ditch efforts to salvage a few more precious moments from a wasted and worthless life. Here are those pathetic pluggers, too bogged down by their own addiction and codependency to do anything but separate their pills into little piles all weekend long. I'd almost feel sorry for them if I wasn't also pissed off at the complete waste of prescription drugs on those sad shells of semi-human beings who probably don't even enjoy the high they get after downing their favorite drug cocktails. You couldn't even call their use "recreational." No, pluggers suck too much to have real fun. The real purpose to all the pill-popping is that it's the only thing that will actually keep them functioning. I know if I were a plugger, I'd have to be medicated out of my mind to keep from killing myself at any moment. But maybe that's part of it for pluggers. Maybe Mrs. Chicken Plugger really wants to off herself, but back on the farm, Ma Chicken ingrained in her to "never take the easy way out." So she plods* through her empty life that she shares with that giant hideous man-dog she once thought handsome. Every six hours brings a new wave of numbness to block out the shame and disappointment.

While Mr. Dog Plugger is just an asshole. He refuses to die, to give in. Instead he lives in a pharmaceutical company executive's wet dream of artificially extended old age, knowing each dose keeps him alive longer, forces his wife to take care of him longer. He would be miserable if he could feel anything besides his enjoyment in knowing how much his nagging wife resents him. Although, whatever combination they've had her on lately has made her a lot more agreeable. A lot more sleeping, a lot less talking. She's quit yelling out the answers to Jeopardy before the contestants, making him feel stupid and worthless. He hasn't felt stupid and worthless in, how long? Wait, is this a nursing home? When did we move out of the old house?! Where are our children to take care of us? Oh, hello nice nurse lady. Yes I will take my medicine. Thank you very muuuuuch......

*Do chickens plod? I mean, obviously they walk, but is there a good word for it?

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