Thursday, September 04, 2008

Republicans can has nomination speeches too: another attempt at live-blogging

Brian Williams just told us that several minutes for applause have been built into the schedule by the Republicans. Stephen Colbert will be so happy--look at that green screen! Protesting veterans in the back. Okay fine, not a green screen, it's grass. Whatevs. He keeps getting interrupted by the cheers of "U.S.A.!" He has seven children. READ: Working penis. He wants us to accept the Grinch. John McCain's mom could kick my ass. Maybe she does steroids. "We'll go at it." We're congratulating Obama about some sort of undefined achievement. Some awesome lady is protesting. She had her sign stolen. Code Pink women being dragged out of the auditorium. But McMaverick calls it "ground noise and static." Fuck you, war protesters!! Sarah Palin blahblahblah. He just did some sort of creepy crouching and laughing thing. Yuck. "I understand who I work for." YOU. Me? You're fired. He fought lobbyists who stole from Indian tribes. When? I bet the Indians wish he'd just stay out of their business, they've got enough problems. John McCain is a genius at Iraq. Did you know if we hadn't intervened with the surge, our troops might have been demoralized!! Examples of everyday Americans. Good job, campaign research staff! Did you know that if you send John McCain some jewelry, he will wear it every day. I'm totally sending him like three pink sparkly rings and a tiara. Latina! Keyword! We're all God's children. A CULTURE OF LIFE (dog whistle). PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. Judge who don't legislate. Crazy lady in sparkly yellow suit OMG LOVE IT. The only job that won't go away: one at McDonald's. He thinks schools should have competition. CHOICES! Okay, Milton Freedman, Jr. I think the teleprompter just told him to smile. It was scary. DRILL DRILL DRILL DRILL. Is John McCain a dentist? Iran. Please stop talking about Iran. Please stop. Please, please stop. "I'm not afraid of them." He sounds like an eight year-old claiming that the Freddy Kruger movies don't scare him. Awesome other sparkly outfit. My One Friend says, "Is she wearing a python?" John McCain thinks it's awesome that he remembers Pearl Harbor. He wants to keep other families from risking their lives like his has, except for when he starts/perpetuates lots of wars and stuff, of course. I am getting bored. Or maybe it's the beer I'm drinking. He's advocating stealing ideas from other people. He was blessed to be tortured. So those terrorists should be fucking grateful. P.O.W., P.O.W., P.O.W. Even in his shittiest moments, he tried to preserve a semblance of masculinity. I think it's gross when people anthropomorphize things in a gendered way. Like America as a "her." So many cowboy hats. Misspellings of maverick as "mavrick." Morans. FIGHT WITH ME. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. Cheerleading. Just like George Bush. STAND UP STAND UP STAND UP for a standing ovation. Finally. God bless fucking America.


  1. i couldn't bring myself to actually watch his speech, and i'm glad because your live-blogging is way better. also, i didn't actually have to look at him and his old man jowls. they were totes playing his speech in tavern on grand last night! i wanted to ask them to stop, but instead distracted myself with a bloody mary. ps anne, anna and i took second place behind team beards-a-lot, sigh.

  2. I'd like to ask your internal monologue out to dinner. Think she/it would go?

  3. My internal monologue is totes free for dinner any time.