Monday, October 05, 2009

"Teen Witch" Live-Blog

Isaac and I are watching 1989 teen classic Teen Witch. It's pretty magical: WTF is with this music video beginning? Creepy! Good thing it was just a dream! Her little brother has a compulsive eating disorder and likes to do dramatic readings of her diary entries about dreamy, dreamy Brad. Teen Witch and her Jewish friend ride bikes in trench coats to school. The local Miami Vice rap crew is rapping about "the high school blues" in the hallway. She's a smarty mcnerdface who has skipped some grades. Just got called out by bowtied teacher for being late. "Miss MILLER." Embarrassing diary page reading! The cheerleaders wear purple leotards and are doing an "I Like Boys" song and dance routine in the locker room. WTF? Crazy teen antics with towels! Brad took off his cropped football jersey to more easily throw footballs throw a tire. Now he's doing gratuitous push-ups. Now Louise (the witch) and Brad have to do a sexy love scene in theater! ROMANTIC. Damn, she didn't get the part. Brad and his blonde girlfriend are making out while he drives his Mustang and almost hits Louise on her bike. At least he stops to see if she's okay. Ah nuts, flat tire. The pay phone is out. But luckily, here is "Madame Serena's" place to wait out the coming storm. Madame Serena looks awfully familiar. I thought I recognized her from Poltergeist: Zelda Rubinstein. Powers are going to come to Louise on her 16th birthday next week. Tragically, no one comes to her birthday party. Sex ed: Sparky Sperm is creepy. The freestyle rapper guy with suspenders is SO WHITE. Louise's drama teacher just said, "Louise, there's so much of you in me, it hurts." OMG. Then she gave her a shiny necklace. Parents are so out of touch, amirite? She's been set up on a date with DORK. Brad has a bolo tie and his, like, 30 year-old GF looks like she's in an '80s music video. Whoa, Louise has a hidden sexy outfit! Louise doesn't want any drugs. Also, she thinks pot and weed are different things because she lists them separately. The guy who plays Brad is like 20 years older than Robyn Lively. But Brad needs tutoring. Her date is trying to assault as he drives! She just wished he'd leave her alone and he disappeared. MAGIC! Her annoying kid brother just turned into a dog! Putting him in the tub turned him back into an annoying little brother. Madame Serena is going to show Louise an old witch yearbook. She lived back in the 1600s and had the same necklace. No exclamation points because Louise only seems kind of disturbed when Serena shows her how to make magic counterfiet money. Serena is SO TINY. I think she's supposed to be one of the ROMA, but she can help Louise with her popularity issues. Louise talks to herself a lot. Was this a film made for vision-impaired children? She just made it rain. On purpose and is dancing on the carousel. Louise just made the popular girls tell each other how they really feel about each other. Meanwhile, Madame Serena is sprinkling paprika on a frog. They're going to make him Louise's love slave. Right now Serena's about to get it on with a prince/frog. Brad comes over to study and Louise has set a magic trap for him. This is going to turn out well. But she can't go through with it! Brad feels kind of bad he sent her home with the sleazy date. Sorry you almost got raped! The dick teacher is going through her purse. She's totes making a voodoo doll of him now. The set for this classroom is so cheap, there are just like black curtains behind the bookshelves. She's humiliating the teacher by making him take off his clothes in front of the class! Uh oh, now the mom's going to put the doll in the wash and the teacher is walking through a carwash! Comedy gold, people. Louise won the lottery for her dramz teacher. And got her an Argentinean count boyfriend with a magical mustache. IMPENDING RAP SCENE! The girls on their bikes approach the "I'm hot and you're not" white boy rap crew. Louise is trying to convince her Jewish friend that she can be "funky" too. TOP THAT! Rap contest between magic rapping Jewish friend and the funky dude. Amazing. Serena's going to help Louise become the most popular girl. Apparently Serena's losing her powers and also knows how to combine baking soda and vinegar. Pop star Shana just "gave" Louise her lucky bedazzled jean jacket. She just made herself into the most popular girl The rapper guys don't want her to "put up a fight." But Jewish friend is being left in the dust by all this bouncy-haired popularity. Louise just followed Brad to his abandoned rape lodge and he took of his shirt. Sexy '80s sax music. He is so posing like a model. He totes wants to do it in this condemned house. KISSING! Laying down kissing. I'll never forget what that EFY speaker told us: Horizontal is hazardous. She's totes feeling up under his sleeveless t-shirt. That's it, though. Louise has her own posteres all over school. Everybody's copying her awesome clothes and high half-pony. Louise and her dad overextend a Cinderella metaphor. This school has some pretty low-budget cheerleading uniforms. Apparently Louise gets fan mail. Also, she looks like one of the Judds now. Fame is crushing her. Either that or the super-tight acid wash jeans she's wearing. Brad is respecting her pretty hard right now for her honesty. He's such a Ken doll with that hair and that convertible. She can't go to the dance with you, and you'll never understand why! The witches are going to change her back: "THE REAL MAGIC IS BELIEVING IN YOURSELF." At the big dance: Louise's hair is bigger than ever and so are her shoulder pads. Suspenders is dancing with Jewish friend now. Louise takes off the necklace. She doesn't need it anymore. Brad saunters over to unmagical Louise. Sexy slow dance time. Make room for the Holy Ghost, kids! All Louise's clothes look like my early '90s Barbies' wardrobe. What a beautiful time for fashion. Blah blah blah happy ending.


  1. ummm spoiler alert? way to ruin the suspense should i ever watch Teen Witch.

  2. Like you couldn't guess how it would end. SRSLY.

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