From the Late-Night Cable Movie Files: Pumpkinhead: Ashes to Ashes

This.

This Syfy movie sounds kind of amazing, I won't lie. I tuned in about 10 minutes late, so I'm not quite sure what happened, but from what I understand, a bunch of white people with cartoonish Southern(?) accents live in small town near some woods. A bunch of dead bodies are found somewhere, but nobody quite knows what happened to them. A blonde woman named Molly is angry because her son was killed and is wearing a hideous coat with fur lining. Three people are in jail for some reason and one of them says a poem about Pumpkinhead that goes something like this:

"Stay away from Pumpkinhead
Unless you're all done living.
His enemies are mostly dead.
He's mean and unforgiving."

I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Not to be confused with this.

An old hag wanders in from the woods to claim one of the bodies that was apparently taken from her pumpkin patch. The old woman knows everybody's name and is rumored to have "powers". She takes her body back, which is convenient because Molly and some other people whose family members were killed need it to turn into Pumpkinhead and get vengeance on whoever has done whatever it is that has been done. The witch gets them to add some blood to her potion or whatever and now there's a demon guy. Apparently the original Pumpkinhead movie came out in 1988, and this is one of two sequels made for Syfy back in 2006.

Our culture totally doesn't have any problems with women who are independent and/or not considered sexually viable anymore.

The poem guy in jail is afraid of lightning. Pumpkinhead has come to get the people in jail (maybe they did whatever they did to those dead people?). Pumpkinhead, whose head really doesn't look like a pumpkin, kills the sheriff or whatever. Pumpkinhead kills one of the guys while the lady and the poem guy break out of jail and steal a police car. Apparently the escapees are the children of the town doctor who wears a 19th century suit of some kind. Also, he gives them meth and wants to make out with his daughter? He wonders if Pumpkinhead said anything to them. WTF? The poem guy is maybe supposed to be mentally disabled? It's hard to say with such terrible acting. The doctor his a minion with a ponytail who has to stay out of sight, but then gets locked outside.

Not this, either.

Molly Sue and one of her revenge buddies, Oliver, come to see the doctor in his cartoon villain mansion, because apparently she feels sick. He gives her some pills for her nonspecific ailments. Now Pumpkin head kills ponytail. Ponytail bangs on the window, while the doctor and his kids go get their guns to shoot Pumpkinhead off the roof. Pumpkinhead lets them drive away for some reason. He is really inefficient at killings people. Also, apparently Molly Sue has visions and seizures when Pumpkinhead attacks. The doctor's kids think they're marked, but the slow one doesn't want to believe it. Ponytail is like, "Tell that to God when you see him." BAM! Amirite? The doctor's daughter is injured in a car accident, and they all go into some underground crypt. Now they're showing clips from the first movie or something, trying to tie that shit in. Oh wait, Ponytail's dead, that guy is Ed Harley, somebody from the first movie who is appearing to the poem guy as a ghost because they were both involved in the first movie or something. This character is played by the only recognizable actor in this film.

Pumpkinhead has no time for your "religion."

 Okay, there's a late-night memorial service for all the dead townsfolk or something, and Pumpkinhead shows up. He sets the minister on fire and kills one of the vengeance guys I think, nope, just fucked up one of his eyes. Some guy got hit with a beam and Pumpkinhead fell down that the same time? Most everybody gets out. Doc remembers his sort-of kids are in the church basement before they die of smoke inhalation. Pumpkinhead emerges from the fire. Freakishly low-voiced guy is upset with Molly Sue for calling for the demon, but she's like, "Why'd it come to the church? Who there has wronged us?" Clearly the DOCTOR. Have you seen what he is wearing?

This is what he is wearing. Sinister syringe is optional.

Low-voiced man is apparently Oliver, who is apparently Molly Sue's husband, who says he didn't go to the hag's house with her. He goes to the doctor because he's concerned or something. Slow guy accidentally knocks the minion's body off the roof just as Oliver leaves. Haha! Sexy other vengeance lady Allie (Ellie?) says she'll go with Oliver to see if the old lady will call the demon off. Allie's brother apparently got killed in the church incident, and she tries to talk the Hag into calling Pumpkinhead back, but she can't. Or WON'T!

 Okay, the Doc shows up to take out head injury guy with his syringe, and when Pumpkinhead shows up too, the doctor finally figures out it's after him. I take it whatever happened to all those bodies from the beginning was syringe-related too.

Earlier: Molly Sue and Doc survey the damage.

Oliver thinks if they cremate the fucked-up bodies, Pumpkinhead will go away or something. So Molly Sue decides she's leaving Oliver and this town since she's going to hell anyway. Doc's girlfriend/daughter is concerned Bud (the slow one) is missing, but Doc is like, "You can go look for him or you can get more meth" and she of course chooses meth. The ghost Ed continues to appear to Bud. Bud tracks down Ellie and Oliver and apologizes for what he has helped the Doc do. I don't know much about methamphetamine intoxication, but drugdaughter and some lowlife are supposed to be on it and it feels like a scene from Reefer Madness. Doc wants to get at Molly Sue, who is apparently staying next door to the meth lab.

The ghost guy, Pumpkinhead, and the Queen of the Prom.

Meanwhile, Bud helps Ellie and Oliver incinerate the bodies. And they say, "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." TAKE A DRINK! Molly Sue and the doctor now have guns on each other. He tries to guilt Molly Sue about how he saved her life when she was twelve or something and claims he does some shady "medical" things because otherwise the locals wouldn't be able to afford his kind of health care. I think this movie is an argument for single-payer coverage. Drug girl laughs hysterically as Pumpkinhead kills the drug dealer. Molly Sue drops her gun while Pumpkinhead attacks, and now Doc has the leg up. Back at the incinerator, Ellie also goes into a trance. Back at the shady motel, the Doc shoots Pumpkinhead, but it doesn't seem to do much good. When he shoots Molly Sue in the stomach, the monster holds his belly. Doesn't last long, though! Haha, Pumpkinhead kills drug girl with one giant fingernail. Ellie and Oliver are kissing now or something, but now she's turning into a demon herself I guess? Also meanwhile, the doctor gets thrown from the motel by the exploding meth lab. Pumpkinhead is the WORST at killing this guy.

"Her veins are coarsing with vengeance." Ouch.

The doctor tries to stop Bud and the others while Ellie suffers. She throws her own baby daughter's body into the incinerator as Pumpkinhead impales him. Ellie thinks she must kill herself now to save Oliver and Bud or something. She crawls into the incinerator. Pumpkinhead dies. The FBI finally shows up, dressed like Men in Black. The Hag shows up to take Pumpkinhead's skeleton home to the pumpkin patch or whatever. But it's actually Ellie's body? So she's the next Pumpkinhead. TOTALLY NOT THE END OF THE STORY!

Overall rating: 2/5 ironic thumbs up

Pumpkinhead: Blood Feud is on now, but I don't think I can handle any more of this.