Energy Drink Review: Fuel High Octane Energy Drink

Photo borrowed from the Caffeine
King** because he also bought
it at Big Lots for 60 cents.

So I went to Big Lots(!) yesterday for some shampoo because they have real brands for cheap sometimes and I can't afford to be buying some Brand X generic shit (I'm looking at you, $1 bottles of Suave at the drugstore) when I've got, like, 39 different dyes on my head right now. Seriously though, I'm going to put in some more highlights soon because my dark blonde roots are clashing with the orange/red/blonde/brown whatever else is already happening and my hair just might all fall out and I'll have to change the name of this blog to "Balder and Thinner," which doesn't have the same kind of bitchy cache as the current title. But ANYWAY, the problem with Big Lots(!) is the prices are so damn cheap that suddenly I think I need everything, like a thing of name-brand lotion when I have multiple unopened gift bottles of lotion at home, or cute but poorly made jewelry, or random terrible-looking horror DVDs that are probably on Netflix anyway. But I am always sure to check the beverage aisle (No, not THAT one. Ours does have booze now, but not a very good selection.) for random obscure energy drinks. I picked up a few I haven't seen here in Ohio before, including the Fuel High Octane Energy Drink, which comes in a 16-ounce metal bottle thingy.

Fuel claims to give "Long lasting fuel for your body & mind*" (asterisk included because the FDA has not evaluated that shit). The can makes it look like you will be drinking something super-chemically and harsh-tasting but this is false. It is, as promised, but "slightly carbonated" and mostly tastes red. Not like straight-up fake cherry like a red popsicle, but red like a tasty fruit punch from a kid's party that's got a pinch of 7-Up in it. Actually, this would probably be a really good heart attack inducer booze mixer. So the flavor's got a thumbs up. I will update as I try to get some work done to tell you if it is appropriately "fueling" my mind. Or maybe I'll just fuck around on the internet with more energy than usual. Whatevskis.

Update: I definitely feel some "fueling," and have managed to make myself do a little bit of work, mostly because it involved geeking out over Gilded Age presidents and the like, so hopefully I can maintain it to answer some discussion board questions about 19th century American culture that I should have written, like, a couple of weeks ago. Perhaps only the right combination of impending end-of-the-semester deadlines and caffeinated beverages will help me not ruin my grad school 4.0 as I struggle to finish my coursework without killing myself or someone else.***

Further update: I feel rather hyped up, but not in an over-the-top leg jiggling way. Only regular fidgeting can be reported. The drink is still tasty. I think the screw-cap helps the drink retain both a cooler temperature and its carbonation better than a regular can that just sits open while you work on it. I may be ready to declare this experiment a success and go back to Big Lots to buy the rest of these off the shelf. Sixty cents a pop is a damn good price for a tasty and effective energy beverage.

Final determination: Worth it. If my building were a loop instead of L-shaped, I totally would have run a lap down the hallway since it is Saturday night and no one else is dumb enough to be in their offices right now. Instead I will displace my extra energy on blog-reading and probably eventually some Text Twist while I try to get a bit of work done. But so Fuel: if you can find it, drink that shit.

Even further update: About an hour after finishing, I am coming down pretty hard from the drink, despite the fact that my energy peaked at less than crazy-high levels, but sometimes that's just a risk you have to take for trying to get shit done.


**But seriously, this is my new favorite blog. Did you know there are caffeinated marshmallows? WTF, capitalism? But also, I love you.
***I am not now, nor have I ever been, actually suicidal. My depression and anxiety mostly just make me prickly to be around and (even more than usual) unwilling to do anything ever. Though since all my projects this semester involve murder and Isaac and I have been watching a lot of Investigation Discovery murder shows on Netflix Instant, some people in my program might be worried about my murderous proclivities. But seriously, if I ever killed somebody, nobody would ever know it was me. Just for the record.