From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: My Bloody Valentine

Apparently this shitty remake came out in theaters. In 3D. I will concede that those mining masks are pretty fucking creepy.

Guys, I watched this movie a couple of nights ago with Isaac on the Syfy channel. We missed the first ten minutes, but its terrible/awesomeness sucked us in. I should say that I was too lazy to blog it at the time and apparently this is a 2009 remake of a 1981 film. But I will blog it ANYWAY. I will Google some photos, but mostly I will recall the highlights from my own (now) drunken memory and I am sure it will fill you all with magic and you will be like, "Netflix, send me this shit!"

Soooo, apparently ten years ago a disgruntled mine worker named Harry went crazy or something (I didn't see the beginning, so sue me) and killed, like, a bunch of people. The police shot him a lot maybe and/or he was buried alive in the murder mines. Teenagers like Tom and Axel and a redheaded woman and some other chick barely escaped with their lives. Okay fine, the redhead is named Sarah.

FLASH FORWARD 10 YEARS: Tom, whose father owned the notorious mines, comes back to town following his padre's death to sell the mines to the highest bidder, who will probably bring in some out-of-state hardcore miners to replace all the townspeople who RELY ON THE MINES for economic stuff or whatever. People are pissed he is going to sell the mines. Also, that he ran away immediately following that time when that crazed miner almost killed him. But Sarah is like, "Oh, hey." And they used to date ten years ago, but now she's married to "Axel," which is not a name outside of Scandinavia, and they have a little boy and also he's a philanderer and the town's sheriff. OBVS.

Shortly after Tom reaches town, some dude gets killed, and then another dude, and then a gratuitously naked lady whose nipples have been tastefully edited out for the cable viewing audience. With a PICKAXE, which was old Harry's weapon of choice. Blahblahblah don't remember, suspicion falls on Tom pretty early. FACT: about 36 minutes in (including commercials), I said to Isaac, I says, "It seems pretty clear Tom's the killer, but it's too early for that, so there's got to be a twist." SPOILER ALERT: Tom is the killer. Tom is played by some generic CW actor and I didn't want him to be the killer, but apparently he's been in lots of mental hospitals because of, like, PTSD or whatever, and/or the evil spirit of Harry is possessing him?

Note: Harry is dead. He is totally dead and not killing more people now.

I could explain all the shit that happens in the movie or whatever, but this is all you need to know. You figure out the killer super-early and though there are a few spectacular deaths (one early on involves mid-skull decapitation with a mining shovel), it's mostly just shitty but compelling enough to keep watching. Even though Axel is cheating on his wife and has sketchy facial hair, do not be confused. He is just a terrible husband, not an actual killer. And Tom is super mentally ill, so it's not even fun in an evil kind of way. Oh also, the original massacre took place on Valentine's Day. Hence the title and all the chocolate boxes that sometimes have human hearts inside, etc.

Whatevs.

Final rating: 3/5 ironic thumbs up. Fun enough with all the cartoonish violence, but the real killer was way too obvious.