From the Late Night Cable Movie Files: The Perfect Man

Welcome to this fine 2005 film that apparently actually appeared in theaters? Now it's on TBS at 2:00 a.m. and I'm trying to not just fall asleep because I woke up like 10 hours ago and let's just make this beautiful, people.

The younger daughter might as well not be in this movie. NERD.

Hilary Duff doesn't get to go to school dances because she moves around a lot. Heather Locklear is her mom and smashes a pie in her douche boyfriend's face. Now they're going to move again. "Reckless flirting" was a phrase just used. The Blonde family is now moving to somewhere that required them to drive through both Ohio and New York City. Lizzie Maguire is not happy about moving so much. Lizzie blogs on "Girl on the Move" and calls herself a "teenage gypsy," which isn't racially problematic or anything. OMG, I just finished my drink, what should I do?

Apparently in Brooklyn, girls get tattoos and piercings in 5th grade. Locklear has her first day at the new bakery. Caroline Rhea is there, squandering her talents in this terrible movie. OMG, Fred from Drop Dead Diva is the boy at Lizzie's high school who is cute and is a cartoonist. GROSS. The dad of the (out) gay kid on Glee is the bread manager at the bakery and hits on Locklear. There are an embarrassing number of people I recognize in this movie. Lizzie's mom is embarrassing her at a parent-teacher meeting by suggesting a single parents' mixer. GROSS.

Maguire is wearing some fancy dress over jeans because it's 2005 and a movie and Fred was nice to her. Carson Kressley is in this movie, of course. Lizzie's one friend's uncle is Mr. Big or whatever. Ugh, this movie made me think of Sex and the City. I hate it already. There's a really creepy flower conversation happening. Lizzie/Holly is going to leave orchids for her mom from her "perfect man" so she won't freak out and move again. This can only go in the best direction.

Refilled with vodka and Neuro Sonic. Hopefully this will keep me awake. I have a hard time believing Locklear's character could do the NYT crossword past Tuesday.* Maguire's running down a fire escape to get her mom's flowers. This is so stupid. Holly and Fred are talking comic conventions because he drew a comic of her and that is kinda creepy. She can't commit to something four weeks away. Now Locklear is getting schooled about feelings by her sassy black boss lady. The bread guy asks her to go to a Styx concert. Also, Holly's got a younger sister who doesn't do much but be cute. Whatshisname's got a sweet TransAm. He should be dating Ke$ha. Apparently it's a Styx tribute band. Obviously Locklear and Holly's sassy Brooklyn friend's uncle Mr. Big will end up together blahblahblah. The next hour and a half might be kind of painful. Or maybe I will just take a nap for an hour and let you know if I was right around 4:00 a.m.

Holly and her friend consult her uncle about romance. Patsy Cline is Locklear's sad music. The Styx tribute concert is getting awkward. Perfect Man Uncle is SO engaged! RUH-ROH. Holly and her friend are going to write Locklear a fake letter from the Perfect Man. There's a lady family dance party and the cheesiness hurts my soul like chocolate hurts my many fillings and cavities.

Perfect Man Ben sent his picture (the uncle) and is "in China" right now but will totes email Locklear/Jean. Apparently Holly has to email from someone else's house because she doesn't know how to delete her internet history, so she goes over to Fred's and sends her mom a love email. Locklear shares WAY too much personal info with her daughters, BTWs. Fred loves how much Holly is hanging at his place for internet access. Awww, Fred.** Holly and her mom have a romantic IM. This is creepy. Locklear gave up her dreams to have Holly and blahblahblah feelings who cares? This movie is terrible but I want all the blonde lady/brunette dude pairings to happen to fulfill my soul anyway. Like candy fulfills your appetite: not really, but it's still vaguely satisfying.

YMCA, bitchez. Enjoy it while you can.

Uh-oh, Locklear's going to a shower at Ben's restaurant and the girls are scared they'll meet. Luckily Ben's at home, and Holly catches him doing a crossword. Hilary Duff's acting is sincere but strained. I'm not saying I'm a better actress, but just you wait for my UPCOMING WEB SERIES SECRET PROJECT. Also, who doesn't do crosswords in pen? Pencils are for kids. Ben gets called into the restaurant and Holly's like OMG her mom will be there and recognize him! Ben's niece Amy (that's apparently her name) causes a distraction so a bunch of construction workers converge on the bar and confuse Kressley with hotness. Holly causes a fire alarm/sprinkler situation on purpose. Holly just realized Ben and her mom are actually perfect for each other, but she's fucked things up with her scheme! WHAT WILL HAPPEN? Probably only unsatisfying tragic things. HAHA JUST KIDDING, HOLLYWOOD.

Holly gets Fred to call and break up with her mom. But Fred has feelings and can't go through with it. Fred kisses Holly at school. AW. There is one time--ONE TIME--I saw something romantic at my high school. It involved a hot punk dude romantically grabbing and kissing a cute punk girl after school when very few people were around in the courtyard. I don't think they were ever a couple, but I was moved by seeing it happen like it was a fucking romantic comedy or something. Oh god, in the movie, loser Lenny from earlier is serenading Locklear and proposing it's SO AWKWARD. Your move, Lizzie Maguire. She tries to set up a rendezvous between her mom and that fake guy/Uncle Ben or whatever. I've heard he makes good rice AMIRITE?

Apparently Ben is at THE WEDDING, but we all know that he is but the best man or whatevs. So Holly interrupts the wedding super-awkwardly but he wasn't the groom and OMG WTF! So maybe Ben will meet Locklear under the Brooklyn Bridge. Nope, just Holly. Holly tells her mom like it is. Good. Fred made Holly a comic book and it freaks her out. So now they're moving? Oh, Fred. So sweet. They're going to move to Arizona like it's so easy? I guess if you're a great baker! Locklear is totally IMing in place of her daughter with Fred. It is weird. Again. Thank Our Sexiest Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ in His Gayest Heaven that my parents and I were never up in each other's business like this. Gross.

Ben reads all the stupid fake emails between "him" and Locklear. Locklear's decided they aren't going to move again and Holly's all huffy about it. God, Locklear's had some work done. Their "new adventure" is going to be staying, apparently. Carson Kressley mis-judging a football game and drinking red wine out of  a  giant fancy glass in a sports arena cracks me up. Apparently Locklear works in a fancy cake shop now and Ben finds her there. They totes have a date. Holly's going to a dance with Fred, even though he's got a black shirt with some sort of dark burgundy jacket/bowtie thing that is terrible. "The Teenage Gypsy has finally settled down." GROSS.***

This was terrible and satisfying in its terribleness. 3/5 ironic thumbs up.


*I get excited if I complete one past Wednesday, and I am a goddamn word puzzle champion, people.
**I think he's too good for Stacy on DDD, BTWs.
*** Also, racist. The preferred nomenclature is CLEARLY "Roma."