Friday, August 30, 2013

Horror Classics: I Drink and Live-Blog The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre came out in 1974 and has sprouted numerous remakes/sequels. Let's do this shit.

The pre-movie scrolling text claims this movie is "an account of the tragedy which befell a group of five youths." Fucking youths. Photos are now being taken of rotting bodies, I think. We see a "grisly work of art." Yucky bodies are all wired up in a cemetery in Texas. HOT. Extra-gross corpse, take a drink.* There's some radio voice-over about oil refinery fires and explosions near the Texas-Louisiana border. A van pulls over on the side of the road so one of the dudes, who's in a wheelchair, can pee. A truck comes by and somehow knocks him down the hill, even though he was super far away. But I guess he's okay. These fucking hippies in the van are talking about astrology. The driver has an amazing shirt and glasses. Octagonal lenses. Puple tanktop/white bell bottoms has some serious nipple action. She's looking for her grandpa's grave. The good old boys hanging out at the cemetery are all drunk and creepy. The laughing old man on the ground with overalls on is supposed to be prophetic, I think. I guess she was checking that her granddad wasn't one of the bodies that'd been dug up. Wheelie talks enthusiastically about cows getting killed while they drive by the local slaughterhouse.

Picking up hitchhikers is the best!
Astrology Girl has feelings about animal cruelty. The green van kids pick up a hitchhiker. He's got some blood on his face or something. Wheelie calls him a Dracula. there's lots of talk about slaughterhouse business. Is Dracula wearing a stuffed sloth necklace? NOT OKAY. Sloths are my spirit animal. No, I guess it's just a fur pouch. Dracula steals Wheelie's knife and starts stroking it. WTF. Hitchhiking: NO. Now Dracula is cutting his own palm and getting off on it. Wheelie doesn't want the knife back and this is a pre-AIDS era. Dracula also has a straight razor. Everybody else is all freaked out, understandably. The guy in the wheelchair reminds me of Horatio Sanz. Now Dracula is talking pictures of everybody with a giant old-timey camera. Dracula wants them to come to dinner. Also, what is this banjo music or whatever? Apparently it's like a Polaroid camera because the pic's ready. Dracula wants $2 for it. What is happening in this movie?

I want Dracula to be played by James Franco. Is he getting drugs out now? He's made a foil bomb with the photo and now he's slicing Wheelie with his razor. They shove him out of the van and drive away. WHUT. Have you guys had cilantro vodka? It's pretty good with lemonade. BY THE WAY.

Purple wraps up Wheelie's wound and Astrology Girl reads bad fortunes or whatever. This movie is so terrible so far. I may or may not love it. They stop at a gas station, but there's no fuel there. Wheelie asks about his grandpa's old property. The gas station guys warns them off. Astrology barely has a shirt on. Wheelie keeps playing with the knife. Guy in the denim shirt keeps making looks and having feelings, clearly. Oh, Wheelie is named Frank. I'll stop being ableist. Haha, the hitchhiker left blood all over the side of the van. Apparently they're not going to wait for more gas to arrive and are going to go out to the family property instead. They pull up by a big old house covered in plants. It looks like all the windows are gone. They get out the planks so they can wheel Frank out of the van.

Several cast members, including Sally's Nipples.
What is in Frank's mouth? A potato? A giant blunt? Purple tanktop is part of the family, she's been to the house before. She's dating Octagonal Glasses. Denim Shirt finds creepy spiders. Nobody's outside to help Frank get up into the rundown house. RUDE. Isaac says so far, the best thing about this movie is Octagonal Glasses' sweet shirt. He is so, so right:
Isn't it majestic? It looks like a sweet album cover. Photo found here.
Frank mocks the girls giggling in the house. I guess he's the fifth wheel in this situation. He keeps blowing raspberries. He's filled with bitterness and covered in wounds. Astrology Girl is named Pam. She's wearing, like, a bathing suit and short shorts. She and Denim are going to find the "swimming hole" AKA BANG. Frank finds a bizarre skeleton thing. Oh, I think Purple/Nipples is named Sally. She and Frank are related somehow. Pam and Denim come upon another farm and want to buy gas. These other people have hung random crap in the tree. Isaac: "Poor folks' wind chimes." Y'all know how I feel about wind chimes. The couple goes to the door and find a tooth on the porch. Ew. Denim's shirt is barely hanging on. The door's open and he hears weird pig noises from inside. Ill-advisedly, he decides to go inside and check out all the mounted skulls. A guy in a mask and a butcher's apron just smacks him in the head with a mallet. Denim goes down, wiggles a bit, and Apron pulls him all the way into the room and slams shut a metal door of some kind.

Pam becomes concerned. You're next, slut. I can see your whole back/legs. She goes after Kirk/Curt because it's totes normz to just walk into strangers' houses. She bursts into a room covered in feathers and bones, I think. Also, teeth. Lots of teeth. And human bones decorating a couch. That's where the Ed Gein comes in. Pam is now sick. Try to get away, Astrology Girl. Just try. Apron runs out and grabs her before she can get away. Apron hangs her from a meat hook and she screams, hanging over a blood bucket, as Apron busts out the old chain saw and goes to work on her boyfriend.

This my new favorite thing. From here. YAASSSSS.
Back at Gramps' place, Frank is upset he can't find his knife. Jerry (Glasses) keeps teasing about the hitchhiker coming to murder Franklin. He goes off for a walk and Sally can't find the knife. Sally's got some sweet '70s cameltoe happening. Jerry is looking for Kirk. How come Frank is the only one who sounds southern? Frank knows Sally didn't want him to come on this road trip. It's hard to turn your wheelie brother down. Uh-oh, the sun is going down. Jerry's now tracked Kirk to the other farm because SMART. He does see that Kirk left his blanket on the porch of this place and hears some chains and struggling noises. Jerry goes into the house and finds the meat hook and butcher's tools. He hears noises from the freezer, where Pam is being kept. She's still alive, but Apron comes back and chases Jerry. Where did he go? What kind of mask is Jerry wearing? A human skin one, I guess. Oh, and he's got Billy Bob teeth.

Now it's dark, and Frank and Sally have the van lights on (smart) and lay on the horn to call their friends back. Frank smartly says they should go back to the gas station for help, but Sally won't leave without Jerry. Sally's nipples. Sucks to be out in the sticks in a wheelchair. Sally ties to steal the flashlight from Frank. It's not like they have the car keys anyway. Frank wants to go with her to look for Jerry, but it's not real accessible where they're going. They yell for Jerry, because apparently those other two they don't care about losing. They're struggling through the sticks and follow a light to the other house. BAD IDEA. Oh, now Apron is there, chainsawing Frank. Sally McNipples screams and runs away incompetently. I think there's, like, half an hour left, so is this chase really going to last that long? Sucks to do all this running braless, doesn't it, Sally? She runs to a house. That chainsaw is really smoking! Oh, it's his house anyway. No help for you here, Sally. Amazing wallpaper up stairs. Uh-oh, she's trying to get help from his rotting parents' bodies. Even the stuffed dead dog is all set up with them in a cute domestic scene.

R.I.P. Frank, but am I right or am I right?
Sally jumps out a second story window. First smart thing she's done. Get back in those woods and hide, girl. STOP SCREAMING. I know the chainsaw is loud, but SRSLY. White pants were not a good choice for this outing. More chasing. He's chased her all the way to the gas station. Gas station guy is there to comfort her, I guess. Sally wants to call the police, but apparently they have no phone and have to drive to another town. He leaves her alone to get the car, I think. Sally sees meats being smoked or grilled or something and realizes gas station guy might be in on it. Gas Station Guy has a great creepy smile. He gets out a rope and she grabs a knife. He attacks her with a broom. She passes out and he ties her hands behind her back and gags her. OF COURSE. GSG drags her out to the truck. Good thing he remembered to turn the lights out and lock the door of the shop before he drives her to her death.  Occasionally he pokes her with the broomstick, which she may also be tied to. Her legs aren't tied up, so there's hope, you guys. I find this a bit tense, but not scary. GSG grins and pokes her with the stick in the footwell some more. GSG comes upon the knifey hitchhiker from earlier. He's apparently one of theirs. GSG beats him with his broomstick a bit and scolds him for going near the graveyard. ?? Knifey hops on the back of the truck. Joining in the party, I guess.

Knifey and GSG pull Sally into the house. I guess GSG is the father who abuses Knifey and Apron. Knifey takes the potato sack off of Sally's head after tying her to a chair and she screams into her gag some more. Apron is wearing an old lady wig now? GSG is pissed Apron chainsawed their front door a bunch earlier. GSG keeps trying to get Sally to calm down. Ehhhh. The stabby brothers are now bringing their dead grandpa downstairs. I DON'T EVEN. There are so many animal pelts on the walls. Stop crying and start planning, Sally. Hand lamp! Human arm armchair! Yuck. Apron oinks. Now they guys are cutting Sally's finger and rubbing the blood on Grandpa. He sucks on her finger and is apparently still alive?! WHUT. Ew.

Later, Sally wakes up at their dinner table. The family taunts her screaming. GSG won't stop calling her "young lady." Apron's lady mask has clown makeup and is terrifying. Knifey says GSG is "just the cook." He's not the killer. Sally screams more. Her eyes are really green. GSG wants them to just get her murder over with. The boys are going to offer her up to Grandpa. Scream, scream, eyes.

GSG claims it won't hurt a bit because Grandpa's the best killer. OBVS. Grandpa is too weak to hold the hammer. I'm not sure this is going to work out. ANNNNYWAY, Apron gets one in by holding Grandpa's hand. Sally jumps out yet another window. It's daylight out there now, I guess. She staggers away from the house and Knifey, who's chasing her. Apron's got his chainsaw now too. She's all bloody and finally makes it to the road. A truck comes by and runs over Knifey. It's some random black dude. There's a black person in this movie! He helps Sally, though I don't know why he doesn't just drive away. He throws a wrench at Apron, who accidentally cuts his leg.

A pickup comes by and Sally manages to climb in back. Who's driving? What happened to the semi truck driver? Apron dances around with his chain saw. Okay, that's the end. WHUT. I kind of liked it? Not sure.

I like to imagine him shuffling to "Cotton Eye Joe."
ADDENDUM: Apparently Apron is known as "Leatherface," but how I was I supposed to know that when no one in the movie ever calls him anything? Anyway, that's that guy.

*X-Files Drinking Game, obvs.

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