The pre-movie scrolling text claims this movie is "an account of the tragedy which befell a group of five youths." Fucking youths. Photos are now being taken of rotting bodies, I think. We see a "grisly work of art." Yucky bodies are all wired up in a cemetery in Texas. HOT. Extra-gross corpse, take a drink.* There's some radio voice-over about oil refinery fires and explosions near the Texas-Louisiana border. A van pulls over on the side of the road so one of the dudes, who's in a wheelchair, can pee. A truck comes by and somehow knocks him down the hill, even though he was super far away. But I guess he's okay. These fucking hippies in the van are talking about astrology. The driver has an amazing shirt and glasses. Octagonal lenses. Puple tanktop/white bell bottoms has some serious nipple action. She's looking for her grandpa's grave. The good old boys hanging out at the cemetery are all drunk and creepy. The laughing old man on the ground with overalls on is supposed to be prophetic, I think. I guess she was checking that her granddad wasn't one of the bodies that'd been dug up. Wheelie talks enthusiastically about cows getting killed while they drive by the local slaughterhouse.
|Picking up hitchhikers is the best!|
I want Dracula to be played by James Franco. Is he getting drugs out now? He's made a foil bomb with the photo and now he's slicing Wheelie with his razor. They shove him out of the van and drive away. WHUT. Have you guys had cilantro vodka? It's pretty good with lemonade. BY THE WAY.
Purple wraps up Wheelie's wound and Astrology Girl reads bad fortunes or whatever. This movie is so terrible so far. I may or may not love it. They stop at a gas station, but there's no fuel there. Wheelie asks about his grandpa's old property. The gas station guys warns them off. Astrology barely has a shirt on. Wheelie keeps playing with the knife. Guy in the denim shirt keeps making looks and having feelings, clearly. Oh, Wheelie is named Frank. I'll stop being ableist. Haha, the hitchhiker left blood all over the side of the van. Apparently they're not going to wait for more gas to arrive and are going to go out to the family property instead. They pull up by a big old house covered in plants. It looks like all the windows are gone. They get out the planks so they can wheel Frank out of the van.
|Several cast members, including Sally's Nipples.|
|Isn't it majestic? It looks like a sweet album cover. Photo found here.|
Pam becomes concerned. You're next, slut. I can see your whole back/legs. She goes after Kirk/Curt because it's totes normz to just walk into strangers' houses. She bursts into a room covered in feathers and bones, I think. Also, teeth. Lots of teeth. And human bones decorating a couch. That's where the Ed Gein comes in. Pam is now sick. Try to get away, Astrology Girl. Just try. Apron runs out and grabs her before she can get away. Apron hangs her from a meat hook and she screams, hanging over a blood bucket, as Apron busts out the old chain saw and goes to work on her boyfriend.
|This my new favorite thing. From here. YAASSSSS.|
Now it's dark, and Frank and Sally have the van lights on (smart) and lay on the horn to call their friends back. Frank smartly says they should go back to the gas station for help, but Sally won't leave without Jerry. Sally's nipples. Sucks to be out in the sticks in a wheelchair. Sally ties to steal the flashlight from Frank. It's not like they have the car keys anyway. Frank wants to go with her to look for Jerry, but it's not real accessible where they're going. They yell for Jerry, because apparently those other two they don't care about losing. They're struggling through the sticks and follow a light to the other house. BAD IDEA. Oh, now Apron is there, chainsawing Frank. Sally McNipples screams and runs away incompetently. I think there's, like, half an hour left, so is this chase really going to last that long? Sucks to do all this running braless, doesn't it, Sally? She runs to a house. That chainsaw is really smoking! Oh, it's his house anyway. No help for you here, Sally. Amazing wallpaper up stairs. Uh-oh, she's trying to get help from his rotting parents' bodies. Even the stuffed dead dog is all set up with them in a cute domestic scene.
|R.I.P. Frank, but am I right or am I right?|
Knifey and GSG pull Sally into the house. I guess GSG is the father who abuses Knifey and Apron. Knifey takes the potato sack off of Sally's head after tying her to a chair and she screams into her gag some more. Apron is wearing an old lady wig now? GSG is pissed Apron chainsawed their front door a bunch earlier. GSG keeps trying to get Sally to calm down. Ehhhh. The stabby brothers are now bringing their dead grandpa downstairs. I DON'T EVEN. There are so many animal pelts on the walls. Stop crying and start planning, Sally. Hand lamp! Human arm armchair! Yuck. Apron oinks. Now they guys are cutting Sally's finger and rubbing the blood on Grandpa. He sucks on her finger and is apparently still alive?! WHUT. Ew.
Later, Sally wakes up at their dinner table. The family taunts her screaming. GSG won't stop calling her "young lady." Apron's lady mask has clown makeup and is terrifying. Knifey says GSG is "just the cook." He's not the killer. Sally screams more. Her eyes are really green. GSG wants them to just get her murder over with. The boys are going to offer her up to Grandpa. Scream, scream, eyes.
GSG claims it won't hurt a bit because Grandpa's the best killer. OBVS. Grandpa is too weak to hold the hammer. I'm not sure this is going to work out. ANNNNYWAY, Apron gets one in by holding Grandpa's hand. Sally jumps out yet another window. It's daylight out there now, I guess. She staggers away from the house and Knifey, who's chasing her. Apron's got his chainsaw now too. She's all bloody and finally makes it to the road. A truck comes by and runs over Knifey. It's some random black dude. There's a black person in this movie! He helps Sally, though I don't know why he doesn't just drive away. He throws a wrench at Apron, who accidentally cuts his leg.
A pickup comes by and Sally manages to climb in back. Who's driving? What happened to the semi truck driver? Apron dances around with his chain saw. Okay, that's the end. WHUT. I kind of liked it? Not sure.
|I like to imagine him shuffling to "Cotton Eye Joe."|
*X-Files Drinking Game, obvs.