I like these low-qual credits where we just keep zooming into the the jack-o-lantern's eye. This takes place in Haddonfield, Illinois, Halloween night 1963. Some teenagers are making out in a living room, on the couch. They're going to move it upstairs, where presumably they are now banging. The camera takes the view of a peeping tom/home intruder. There's a silky clown-looking sleeve as we grab a butcher knife from the drawer. The slutty boy puts his shirt back on and leaves the house. The slutty girl has clearly been left home alone by her negligent parents.The clown puts a mask on his face off the floor. Slut girl sits, topless, brushing her hair in the mirror. She turns and says, "Michael!" and sexily gets stabbed. We see her boobs some more through the mask. The parents come home and find Michael with the bloody knife. He's a little boy! Clowns are creepy.
Now we're in Smith's Grove, Illinois. It's the day before Halloween, fifteen years later. A smoking nurse lady and a guy who looks like a psychiatrist drive up to the state hospital to pick up an inmate to take him to court. Apparently they'll drug him to go in front of the judge, but the doctor doesn't think he should ever get out. They see patients out wandering around in the rain. Not a good sign. The doctor gets out to check something at the gate and a patient climbs on top of the car and grabs the nurse through the window she just opened for some reason. The patient on the roof of the car breaks the passenger side window with his palm somehow. The nurse escapes from the car and our friend Michael drives away with their car.
|Spoiler alert: Mike Myers goes on a murder spree because they've let his family home fall to pieces. DO YOU NOT SEE THOSE GUTTERS? Disgraceful!|
|What is with the pumpkin? Why is it so big? Why is he the only one who has one? SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS, JOHN CARPENTER.|
Dr. Psychiatrist warns somebody over a payphone that Michael will definitely come back to Haddonfield. He goes over to some old truck and throws somebody's laundry on the ground? Also, there's a matchbook from some Red Rabbit Lounge. Oh, and a dead guy behind a bush.
Jamie's friend has the tallest platforms ever and cheerleading and the dance are taking up so much of her time! Now a brunette in a sweater vest joins them and they share an illicit cigarette. Jamie forgot her chemistry book! The station wagon drives by the girls slowly. Brunette yells at him. Michael slams on the brakes, but ultimately drives away. Linda, the cheerleader, is going to show up at Brunette's baby-sitting job tonight to use the house for hanky-panky. She did not use the words "hanky-panky," but I did. I'm a little bit ashamed.
Jamie sees a guy in a mask loitering by a hedge. Brunette goes to confront him, but he's gone. Brunette taunts her for not ever going on dates. Brunette is a dick. Jamie's "too smart" for boys, apparently. Jamie/Laurie runs into the sheriff. Literally. By her house, Laurie hears giggling. There are kids out trick-or-treating already. Out the window, she sees Mike standing outside by the clothesline. He disappears quickly, but then she gets a phone call with no one on the other line. Apparently it was Annie (Brunette). She's going to pick up Laurie at 6:30. That double bed looks way to small for Jamie Lee Curtis. She is a tall lady.
Somehow it is still light outside, even though it is late October. Annie picks up Laurie, who his carting around a large pumpkin. Annie's mom's car is pretty sweet. Dr. Psychiatrist and a dude in a Texas Tuxedo walk through the cemetery, looking for Judith Myers' grave. Her headstone's been stolen. The caretaker thinks it's a Halloween prank, but Dr. Psychiatrist knows better. Annie and Laurie drive around, getting high. The station wagon starts tailing them. They hide the weed when they see Annie's dad, the sheriff, outside a store. A mask, some rope, and some knives have been stolen. Dr. Psychiatrist shows up to talk to the sheriff. He doesn't see the stolen station wagon drive away. Annie gives shit to Laurie for not asking anybody to the dance. She likes some guy named Ben. I can't believe they're going to show up to babysit high. I don't think I'd be able to keep it together in front of the parents. The station wagon follows them again and suddenly it's pitch dark out. Annie drops off Laurie and pulls into another driveway on that street for her job.\
Michael gets out of his car and watches Annie go inside the Wallaces' place. Creep. Whoa, they were really ready to leave. The sheriff and Dr. Psychiatrist go over to the old abandoned Myers' place because obviously. They find a dead dog, still warm. A window breaks upstairs somehow while they poke around the empty house. Dr. Psychiatrist says that Mike, basically, is evil. Dr. Psychiatrist is going to wait for him at the house where he totally won't be murdered. He doesn't want the media to know about Mike. The babysitting kid asks Laurie what the boogeyman is. Laurie answers the phone, even though it's someone else's house. I suppose it is for her, it's Annie. The dog starts barking at the Wallaces'. Annie told Ben that Laurie likes him because high school. The kid sees Mike across the street at the Wallaces', where Annie spills something on herself and immediately takes off her clothes. Now she's wearing just a men's dress shirt and her underwear. Mike Myers watches from the porch. The family dog comes around and barks at Mike. Mike kills him. The Thing from Another World is on TV.** Laurie and Tommy are watching intently. Laurie tells him the boogeyman's not real. FALSE.
|Slutty McSlutface shouldn't have gone to go pick up her boyfriend for slut times.|
The kids are watching some shitty looking flying saucer movie. Tommy sneaks and hides behind a curtain to scare Lindsey, but then he looks outside and sees Mike carrying Annie's body from the backyard through the front door. Don't these people have a back door? He yells about the boogeyman again, but Laurie calms him down. Dr. Psychiatrist hovers behind a bush at the Myers' place like a creep and scares some kids off. He's so proud of himself. The sheriff thinks the doctor is full of shit. Too much "fancy talk" from that one. Linda and her feathered hair boyfriend show up at the Wallaces' place in a van, drinking beer and planning where they're going to hook up in the house. They leave the van door open and Linda's dude carries her into the house. The house is unlocked but all dark inside. They seem unconcerned, however, and start making out on the couch. Mike does NOT like it when you make out. Laurie and the kids have finished the jack-o-lantern. Why are all the fucking blinds open in this house? The phone rings and it's Linda, wondering where Annie and Lindsey are. Linda's pumped she and whatshisname can go bang upstairs in peace with them gone. Where the hell are all these cans of Budweiser on the floor coming from? Linda is making WAY too much noise. The phone ringing bugs them, so they take it off the hook and get back to business. Mike's silhouette on the wall behind them. Feathered hair finishes quick, we get to see some Linda nipple and they light up a cigarette. He goes to get another beer. From the Wallaces' fridge, I guess? A door in the kitchen mysteriously opens. He hasn't turned on any lights for some reason. Mike comes out of the pantry and strangles him, lifting him off the ground with one hand. Apparently he did a lot of push-ups in crazy prison. He stabs the guy to the cabinet. It only takes one jab, I guess!
|That's some Teenage Casper shit.|
There's a light on in a bedroom. Annie's body is laid out, all Christ-style on the bed, with the Judith Myers headstone set up against the headboard. Bob's body swings down from somewhere and she finds Linda's torso in a closet. Now she's crying. Mike lurks nearby. He slashes her sleeve with the knife and she falls over the railing to the first floor. Why can't she open the front door?
|"Well, he's on the ground, looks like I won't be needing this anymore!"|
Laurie snivels in the closet. He could break those flimsy doors if he wanted to. And he does. She grabs a wire hanger and pokes at his face. He drops the knife again, because he is bad at this. Laurie stabs his face and he passes out? I think he's still not dead, girl. Double-tap. ALWAYS. She drops the knife again because she's so, so stupid. Run, run away! Laurie sends the kids to the neighbors' to call the police as she sits on the floor and waits for Mike to attack her again. Dr. Psychiatrist happens to be walking by as the kids run outside screaming. Mike walks up behind Laurie because she's stupid enough to turn her back to him and starts choking her. Dr. Psychiatrist walks in. Mike has to stop choking because his mask came off for a second. The doctor shoots him a bunch of times, off the balcony. Bullets have no effect, take a drink.*** It was the boogeyman. AND HE'S GONE. Laurie cries. Mike breathes heavily from somewhere in the neighborhood.
That was really pretty good. I mean, Mike's aggression is senseless, but I, like, cared about Laurie. I probably should have watched this before Scream, but I did catch The Shining references on both Bob's Burgers and Spaced recently, so this project is helping me expand my zeitgeisty knowledge.
*New project: get drunk fewer than 5-6 nights a week. I turn 30 in a couple of weeks, and that shit just ain't cute anymore.
**Oh hey, adding John Carpenter's The Thing to queue.
***XFDG. When we're out and about, Isaac and I always say, "Ford Taurus, take a drink" when we see one, but we do not actually take a drink, because we are usually driving/surprisingly I don't actually carry a flask at all times.