Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Horror Classics: Halloween Live-Blog

The 1978 classic Halloween was referenced so much in Scream, I was like, "Maybe I should actually finally watch that shit." Here it is. I'm not drinking tonight,* so sorry if this is too detailed/still makes sense by the end. Oh, EXCUSE ME, it's JOHN CARPENTER'S Halloween. Introducing Jamie Lee Curtis, before yogurt changed her life.

I like these low-qual credits where we just keep zooming into the the jack-o-lantern's eye. This takes place in Haddonfield, Illinois, Halloween night 1963. Some teenagers are making out in a living room, on the couch. They're going to move it upstairs, where presumably they are now banging. The camera takes the view of a peeping tom/home intruder. There's a silky clown-looking sleeve as we grab a butcher knife from the drawer. The slutty boy puts his shirt back on and leaves the house. The slutty girl has clearly been left home alone by her negligent parents.The clown puts a mask on his face off the floor. Slut girl sits, topless, brushing her hair in the mirror. She turns and says, "Michael!" and sexily gets stabbed. We see her boobs some more through the mask. The parents come home and find Michael with the bloody knife. He's a little boy! Clowns are creepy.

Now we're in Smith's Grove, Illinois. It's the day before Halloween, fifteen years later. A smoking nurse lady and a guy who looks like a psychiatrist drive up to the state hospital to pick up an inmate to take him to court. Apparently they'll drug him to go in front of the judge, but the doctor doesn't think he should ever get out. They see patients out wandering around in the rain. Not a good sign. The doctor gets out to check something at the gate and a patient climbs on top of the car and grabs the nurse through the window she just opened for some reason. The patient on the roof of the car breaks the passenger side window with his palm somehow. The nurse escapes from the car and our friend Michael drives away with their car.

Spoiler alert: Mike Myers goes on a murder spree because they've let his family home fall to pieces. DO YOU NOT SEE THOSE GUTTERS? Disgraceful!
Back in Haddonfield. Happy Halloween day, errybody! Jamie Lee Curtis is walking to school or something and her dad reminds her somebody's coming to look at a house later. Why doesn't she get a bigger bag? She's really carrying a lot of books. She runs into a little kid, who seems pretty pumped she'll be baby-sitting him later. Jamie has to drop off a key at the Myers' house for a viewing. The kid talks about how nobody is supposed to go near it. A mouthbreather comes out of the house and watches Jamie walk away. The psychiatrist yells at another man in a suit with a sweet mustache. Jamie is spacing out in English class now. So much feathered hair. Out the window, she sees a station wagon and a guy in a mask staring across the street at her. She manages to answer the teacher's questions. Something something "fate never changes."

What is with the pumpkin? Why is it so big? Why is he the only one who has one? SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS, JOHN CARPENTER.
The little kid from earlier is carrying a huge fucking pumpkin and some older boys are taunting him, claiming the boogeyman's going to get him. The kids falls and breaks his pumpkin. Michael, in his coveralls, asthmatically watches the sad kid. We never see Michael's face. Michael's still driving the state vehicle. They're going to track you down, there's an APB, bro. Mustache thought Michael couldn't drive. Mustache was wrong. STOP FOLLOWING THE KID, IT IS CREEPY.

Dr. Psychiatrist warns somebody over a payphone that Michael will definitely come back to Haddonfield. He goes over to some old truck and throws somebody's laundry on the ground? Also, there's a matchbook from some Red Rabbit Lounge. Oh, and a dead guy behind a bush.

Jamie's friend has the tallest platforms ever and cheerleading and the dance are taking up so much of her time! Now a brunette in a sweater vest joins them and they share an illicit cigarette. Jamie forgot her chemistry book! The station wagon drives by the girls slowly. Brunette yells at him. Michael slams on the brakes, but ultimately drives away. Linda, the cheerleader, is going to show up at Brunette's baby-sitting job tonight to use the house for hanky-panky. She did not use the words "hanky-panky," but I did. I'm a little bit ashamed.

Jamie sees a guy in a mask loitering by a hedge. Brunette goes to confront him, but he's gone. Brunette taunts her for not ever going on dates. Brunette is a dick. Jamie's "too smart" for boys, apparently. Jamie/Laurie runs into the sheriff. Literally. By her house, Laurie hears giggling. There are kids out trick-or-treating already. Out the window, she sees Mike standing outside by the clothesline. He disappears quickly, but then she gets a phone call with no one on the other line. Apparently it was Annie (Brunette). She's going to pick up Laurie at 6:30. That double bed looks way to small for Jamie Lee Curtis. She is a tall lady.

Somehow it is still light outside, even though it is late October. Annie picks up Laurie, who his carting around a large pumpkin. Annie's mom's car is pretty sweet. Dr. Psychiatrist and a dude in a Texas Tuxedo walk through the cemetery, looking for Judith Myers' grave. Her headstone's been stolen. The caretaker thinks it's a Halloween prank, but Dr. Psychiatrist knows better. Annie and Laurie drive around, getting high. The station wagon starts tailing them. They hide the weed when they see Annie's dad, the sheriff, outside a store. A mask, some rope, and some knives have been stolen. Dr. Psychiatrist shows up to talk to the sheriff. He doesn't see the stolen station wagon drive away. Annie gives shit to Laurie for not asking anybody to the dance. She likes some guy named Ben. I can't believe they're going to show up to babysit high. I don't think I'd be able to keep it together in front of the parents. The station wagon follows them again and suddenly it's pitch dark out. Annie drops off Laurie and pulls into another driveway on that street for her job.\

Michael gets out of his car and watches Annie go inside the Wallaces' place. Creep. Whoa, they were really ready to leave. The sheriff and Dr. Psychiatrist go over to the old abandoned Myers' place because obviously. They find a dead dog, still warm. A window breaks upstairs somehow while they poke around the empty house. Dr. Psychiatrist says that Mike, basically, is evil. Dr. Psychiatrist is going to wait for him at the house where he totally won't be murdered. He doesn't want the media to know about Mike. The babysitting kid asks Laurie what the boogeyman is. Laurie answers the phone, even though it's someone else's house. I suppose it is for her, it's Annie. The dog starts barking at the Wallaces'. Annie told Ben that Laurie likes him because high school. The kid sees Mike across the street at the Wallaces', where Annie spills something on herself and immediately takes off her clothes. Now she's wearing just a men's dress shirt and her underwear. Mike Myers watches from the porch. The family dog comes around and barks at Mike. Mike kills him. The Thing from Another World is on TV.** Laurie and Tommy are watching intently. Laurie tells him the boogeyman's not real. FALSE.

Slutty McSlutface shouldn't have gone to go pick up her boyfriend for slut times.
Annie wanders over to some outbuilding or something to wash her clothes, which is apparently immediately necessary. The door keeps opening and closing on its own. Now she's locked in somehow. Her babysitting charge is entranced by the TV and doesn't hear her crying out from the backyard. Paul calls for Annie (her boyfriend?), who has tried to climb out a window. Little Lindsey hangs up on Paul and comes out to find Annie stuck in the window with her ass in the air. They go back inside but leave the back door open. Annie wants Paul to come over. Lindsey's scared of the movies on TV. She doesn't want to go with Annie to pick up Paul, so Annie brings Lindsey over to hang out with Laurie and Tommy. Laurie's scooping out pumpkin guts in the kitchen. Annie says she'll watch Lindsey if Annie promises to tell Ben she was kidding about Laurie liking him. Laurie's the group's girl scout. Annie's car was locked, but when she came back with the keys, it was unlocked and all fogged up. Mike's in the backseat, obvs. He strangles her from behind and she honks the horn as she struggles. I love her yellow knee socks/men's dress shirt look. He slashes her throat, I guess and her body lands on the horn.

The kids are watching some shitty looking flying saucer movie. Tommy sneaks and hides behind a curtain to scare Lindsey, but then he looks outside and sees Mike carrying Annie's body from the backyard through the front door. Don't these people have a back door? He yells about the boogeyman again, but Laurie calms him down. Dr. Psychiatrist hovers behind a bush at the Myers' place like a creep and scares some kids off. He's so proud of himself. The sheriff thinks the doctor is full of shit. Too much "fancy talk" from that one. Linda and her feathered hair boyfriend show up at the Wallaces' place in a van, drinking beer and planning where they're going to hook up in the house. They leave the van door open and Linda's dude carries her into the house. The house is unlocked but all dark inside. They seem unconcerned, however, and start making out on the couch. Mike does NOT like it when you make out. Laurie and the kids have finished the jack-o-lantern. Why are all the fucking blinds open in this house? The phone rings and it's Linda, wondering where Annie and Lindsey are. Linda's pumped she and whatshisname can go bang upstairs in peace with them gone. Where the hell are all these cans of Budweiser on the floor coming from? Linda is making WAY too much noise. The phone ringing bugs them, so they take it off the hook and get back to business. Mike's silhouette on the wall behind them. Feathered hair finishes quick, we get to see some Linda nipple and they light up a cigarette. He goes to get another beer. From the Wallaces' fridge, I guess? A door in the kitchen mysteriously opens. He hasn't turned on any lights for some reason. Mike comes out of the pantry and strangles him, lifting him off the ground with one hand. Apparently he did a lot of push-ups in crazy prison. He stabs the guy to the cabinet. It only takes one jab, I guess!

That's some Teenage Casper shit.
Back upstairs, Linda files her nails. The door opens, and it's somebody in a ghost costume/sheet with Bob's glasses over the top. Linda shows her boobs and wants her beer. He stands silently, breathing. Linda gets up and calls Laurie. Mike strangles her with the phone cord, but it kinda sounds like she's getting off on the other end of the line. Laurie tries to call back, but no one answers. She's so skinny. The kids are safely sleeping upstairs. Meanwhile, Dr. Psychiatrist spots the state vehicle parked down the street. Laurie is a bit worried about what's going on at the Wallaces', so she goes over there, where all the lights are out again. Her bell bottoms are majestically high-waisted. Nobody answers the door. She finds the kitchen door ajar. Apparently Bob's not stabbed against the cabinet anymore. Laurie doesn't turn on any lights, because people in horror movies don't believe in light switches. She hears something upstairs and thinks her friends are pranking her. Now she goes upstairs. In the dark. Like you do. At somebody else's house. I do wonder where he's stashed all the bodies.

There's a light on in a bedroom. Annie's body is laid  out, all Christ-style on the bed, with the Judith Myers headstone set up against the headboard. Bob's body swings down from somewhere and she finds Linda's torso in a closet. Now she's crying. Mike lurks nearby. He slashes her sleeve with the knife and she falls over the railing to the first floor. Why can't she open the front door?

"Well, he's on the ground, looks like I won't be needing this anymore!"
Laurie goes to hide in the kitchen. The door's been jammed by a rake outside. Why doesn't she break the windows? She finally does, but not before Mike punches his way inside. Laurie runs over to the neighbor's house, screaming. The neighbors are NOT INTERESTED in helping her. She runs back to the babysitting house, but has somehow lost the keys out of those tall pockets. She wakes up Tommy to let her in as Mike slowly approaches from across the street. Real evil doesn't need to run. The phone line is dead. There's an open door. Why are there so many fucking window-doors in this neighborhood? Mike stabs at her over the couch and she gets him in the neck with a knitting needle. I'm not sure he really wants to get her. Laurie's got the knife now. GET HIM. Stupidly, she drops the knife. Dr. Psychiatrist wanders around the town, not even using the sidewalk. The sheriff finds him. He is doing a shit job catching this guy. Laurie, whose leg is hurt, hobbles upstairs to get the kids. She tells them there's nothing to be scared of. Mike comes up the stairs right then. She hides the kids and then hides herself in a closet. NOT SMART. Isaac: "That's very Trapped in the Closet-esque." TRUE TRUE.

Laurie snivels in the closet. He could break those flimsy doors if he wanted to. And he does. She grabs a wire hanger and pokes at his face. He drops the knife again, because he is bad at this. Laurie stabs his face and he passes out? I think he's still not dead, girl. Double-tap. ALWAYS. She drops the knife again because she's so, so stupid. Run, run away! Laurie sends the kids to the neighbors' to call the police as she sits on the floor and waits for Mike to attack her again. Dr. Psychiatrist happens to be walking by as the kids run outside screaming. Mike walks up behind Laurie because she's stupid enough to turn her back to him and starts choking her. Dr. Psychiatrist walks in. Mike has to stop choking because his mask came off for a second. The doctor shoots him a bunch of times, off the balcony. Bullets have no effect, take a drink.*** It was the boogeyman. AND HE'S GONE. Laurie cries. Mike breathes heavily from somewhere in the neighborhood.

That was really pretty good. I mean, Mike's aggression is senseless, but I, like, cared about Laurie. I probably should have watched this before Scream, but I did catch The Shining references on both Bob's Burgers and Spaced recently, so this project is helping me expand my zeitgeisty knowledge.

*New project: get drunk fewer than 5-6 nights a week. I turn 30 in a couple of weeks, and that shit just ain't cute anymore.
**Oh hey, adding John Carpenter's The Thing to queue.
***XFDG. When we're out and about, Isaac and I always say, "Ford Taurus, take a drink" when we see one, but we do not actually take a drink, because we are usually driving/surprisingly I don't actually carry a flask at all times.

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