Horror Classics: I drink and live-blog "Friday the 13th"

I tried to put 1980's Friday the 13th on the queue so I could watch it on Friday, September 13, but I failed and it was not here in time. But it's, like, less than a week later, so it still counts, right? Here's the thing.

Setting: Camp Crystal Lake 1958. Some counselors are singing in some lodge. Somebody is creeping on the kids sleeping in a cabin. A set of Aryan camp counselors break off for makin' out times. Those yellow polos with high-waisted shorts, white belts, and high-top Converses are a pretty good hipster look. They lay a blanket down somewhere and go at it. They get interrupted and stomach-stabbed. Inefficient murdering, but A-1 on the psychological distress, I suppose.

Now it's Friday, June 13 of "the present," says the screen. Some lady backpacker wanders through a town in the early morning. There is a dog at a gas station. She's looking for the camp. The dog apparently gives her directions. She goes into the local general store/restaurant to ask how far it is to Camp Crystal Lake. The locals are weird about it, say it's about twenty miles. Some old dude says he'll give her a ride halfway. A crazy guy on the street calls it "Camp Blood" and says it's got a death curse. The driver tells her she's good looking and kind of grabs her ass as he helps her into his truck. This girl's heading up to be a cook at the camp for "inner-city kids" AKA black.* The driver guy tries to tell her it's jinxed because of the 1958 murders, a drowning 1957, some fires, bad water in 1962, etc. He thinks she should quit. He thinks her boss can't fix it up well enough. OOH! He drops her off at a rural Moravian cemetery. I guess she'll walk the next ten miles? Who does not make appropriate arrangements to get to one's job?

KEVIN BACON!!! He's got a lady friend and another pal driving the truck who wants to bang somebody. Lots of banjo music. A shirtless guy chops wood. He's got a pretty sweet mustache and cutoff shorts. The 80s!! He calls the new arrivals over to help him take out a tree stump. Mustache Steve is apparently the boss. They're revamping the camp and shit. He tells some chick with super 80s hair that she draws well. She draws cabins and Steve's face, apparently. Steve's glasses are, like, octagonal. He's trying to convince her she should stay at least a week. They clearly banged already. Her name's Alice. She goes to talk to Bill, who is painting something and wearing white pants, no shirt, and red suspenders. OMG. Kevin Bacon is a teeny-tiny baby here. Steve leaves for town or something.

Foreshadowing!

Some dick shoots arrows right next to a brunette chick setting up an archery target thingy. A jeep picks up Alice. She doesn't like when people call children "kids." She is stupid. Mysterious jeep driver missed the turn to the camp. She gets upset and bails out of the moving car. Correct move, Alice. She's injured, so she is totally sucking at escaping into the woods. Don't know why she didn't just run back down the road. I mean, he's on foot. The faceless dude slices her neck.

Back at Camp Crystal Lake, Kevin Bacon is wearing a speedo and the other dudes are in sweet short denim cutoffs while they set up the docks by the lake. Someone is watching them from another shore. First counselors to fuck get killed first! Ned, the jokester from the archery range is apparently drowning. It's all that denim that weighed him down in the water. No, wait, he's pulling a Squints! Gross.

In her cabin, Alice is wearing only a pink robe and sees a snake in her cabin. She calls Bill to come kill it. The other counselors come in to "help." Bill chops the snake with a machete.

Ned jumps around in some racist headdress as a random cop shows up at camp. The short girl in pink needs a bra. The cop's looking for the town crazy guy, Ralph. The cop's got sweet aviators. Bill's balls are visible through his pants. THE 80S. Ralph is hiding in the pantry and scares Alice. He claims he's a messenger from god and that they're doomed and the camp is doomed blahblahblah. OFFICIAL WARNING. He bikes back to town. Sweet basket on that bike.

The gang makes burgers for dinner. There's a problem with electricity, but Steve showed Kevin Bacon how to use the generator, so it's all good. There is an otter in the lake. Pink shirt and Bacon make out by the lake. Ned, in his stupid football jersey, watches jealously. He's just the funny Jew, he never gets laid. He thinks he sees somebody in a cabin and goes to investigate. Bacon and his lady are worried about Neddy. Also, a storm's a-comin'! Pink shirt talks about some weird dream with blood-rain, which is not at all a bad omen or anything. They run away from the rainstorm. Regular rain, not blood-rain. They run into a cabin--I suspect the same one Neddy's hiding in and he'll be watching them bang. Bacon reveals that he's got a sweet tank top on. Yeah, make out on those camp bunks. Alice, who is clearly the mom of the group, worries about them ("Jack and Marcie" apparently). Bill plays the guitar. Brunette busts out some Strip Monopoly.

Jack and Marcie are sexing in the cabin on those sketchy sheets. NAKED BACON ASS GETTING SQUEEZED. Thunder and lightning. Ha! Ned is on the top bunk, with his throat slashed. YES! The Monopoly gang is opening some beers now. Back at the sex cabin, Marcie runs to pee. Good, don't get a UTI, Marcie! Those fuckers fucked and now they will die.

Alice "draws first blood" because Bill had to take off a boot for rent. Bacon/Jack lights up a joint. Right as he feels blood dripping from the upper bunk, a ridiculous knife comes up through the bed and his chest. OMG YES.

Maybe a Sleep Number bed would've helped.

Marcie makes it to the bathrooms successfully, but I suspect she won't make it back to the sex cabin. Ew, she's barefoot in there, as well as pantsless. She hears something outside the stall and thinks it's Jack. IT'S NOT JACK. Jack got stabbed from under the bed!

Marcie quotes some weird old movies to herself in the mirror or something. Her white underwear makes me uncomfortable. Now she thinks Ned is lurking and goes to investigate. Marcy goes into the shower area to look around. WHY?! Nobody's there. Shadow. Axe. Scream. Axe in eye. Thunderclap.

Alice is winning Strip Monopoly because she's still wearing a shirt. Brunette remembers her cabin windows are open, so puts a raincoat on over her matching underwear/bra set and runs back, leaving Alice and Bill alone. In town, Steve, drinks coffee at a greasy spoon. The waitress has amazing red bubble hair and giant glasses. He puts on some giant yellow slicker to drive back to camp. Brunette, whose name I still haven't learned, hums to herself as she brushes her teeth for bed in the ladies' bathroom. A creep is creeping in the shower room area. Just run away, girl! She decides not to investigate because she's not an idiot. Uh-oh, Steve's jeep has broken down on the way back to camp. A local cop comes upon him and gives him a ride back to camp.

This place is majestic.

Brunette has clearly successfully shut her cabin windows and is, like, writing in her diary now or something. She lights a candle and reveals a virginal white nightgown in the "Seneca" cabin. The edges of her paperback's pages are yellow. Nice. We hear what sounds like a kid saying, "help me." After the second time, Brunette gets up to check it out. Put your jacket on? She follows a voice crying for help into the rain and the dark while holding the biggest flashlight I've ever seen. Lights suddenly turn on and she's standing on the archery range. I wonder who's going to to actually get arrowed this time! There's a scream and now we're back at the cabin with Alice.

Alice cannot play the guitar. I think she's waiting for Steve to come back so she can draw/bang him again. Bill says he'll go check out the scream/the lights at the archery range. Apparently Brunette was named Brenda. She's not in her cabin, but Alice and Bill find the bloody axe in her bed. They can't find anyone else. The phone lines have all been cut and their one car won't start. Bill claims they'll be laughing about this all tomorrow. Apparently it's a full moon tonight! The cop thinks that's a thing. The cop gets a call about an accident and has to drop Steve off before he quite gets to camp, but the rain has finally let up. He comes upon somebody with a flashlight. He seems to recognize the person, asking, "What are you doing out in this mess?" Is it Ralph? Now somebody's turned off the generator. This would be a good time to make a move on Alice, Bill. No lights! Instead, he leaves her dozing on the couch and goes to check out the generator situation. I'd just crash, I think. PERSONALLY.

Alice gets up to make some tea or coffee, I think. She shouldn't have let him go/go alone. Okay, instant coffee. She does a shit job screwing the cap back on the coffee mix bottle thing. BTWs, apparently Jamie Lee Curtis herself is making a Final Girls TV show. Color me intrigued! Did I space out and miss Bill's death? Well, Alice has gone to investigate and finds his abandoned poncho. Ha! He's been arrowed into the back of the generator cabin's door. Nice. I'm into it. Alice runs back to the first cabin. What will she do? Can she barricade herself in? I'm assuming the killer is already in there with her. She tries tying the door shut. Not a bad idea. Yes, pull those curtains shut. SRSLY. Move some shit in front of that door. She should probably check every nook and cranny of the building she's in now before she gets too comfortable.

Okay, Alice takes up a baseball bat and goes to investigate the other room (FINALLY). Nobody in the kitchen. She finds a stabby fork thing, but thinks she hears something. Her hair is so silly. OMG, Brenda's body has been thrown through a kitchen window. Don't drop your weapons. Alice! She cries and crawls away. She sees headlights on the road. It's Steve's jeep! But it's not Steve, because that bitch is dead. It's a lady in the jeep, her name is Mrs. Voorhees. Something something family friend.

Mrs. Voorhees is not afraid of being alone, but Alice is. "What monster could have done this?" Mrs. V. asks. She blames this place. Also she says that she was the cook when that kid, Jason, drowned, because the counselors were "making love" instead of watching him. Mrs. Voorhees IS Jason, I guess. She doesn't want the camp to open again. She blames Alice for Jason's death and attacks her with a knife. Alice makes good use of a fireplace poker and runs outside. Yes, drive away in that jeep. Oops, dead cook girl from earlier is in there. Alice runs into Steve's body now. Screaming, running, etc. She should have gotten in the jeep anyway and driven far away. In a terrifying little kid voice, Mrs. Voorhees tells herself to kill Alice. She converses back to "Jason" OMG creepy. To be honest, though, I really don't care if Alice dies. Alice finds a gun, but no bullets. "Kill her Mommy, kill her." Mrs. V slaps Alice, which I don't actually think is a very effective murder method. Alice fights her off and runs away again.

Ahhh, memories...

Alice makes it back to the main cabin thing again. She should've hidden somewhere obscure, I think. Mrs. V/Jason continues to advocate for killing Alice. OBVS. Alice has hidden in the pantry or something as Mrs. V crashes around outside. STAY. DON'T MOVE. But also don't relax, because the doorknob by your head is starting to turn! Mrs. V chops her way in. She's got a great cableknit murder sweater on. Alice hits her in the head with a cast iron frying pan. Mrs. V has passed out, but since there are roughly 029387489 of these movies, I'm guessing she's not actually dead. Now Alice is sitting next to a canoe by the lake, contemplating her own reflection. NEVER TURN YOUR BACK. Mrs. V chops an oar with a machete. Should've double-tapped that shit. Beach struggle. OH SWEET, Alice chops Mrs. Voorhees' head off with the machete! Must've been super-sharp to go off in just one swift movement.

And Alice goes out on the lake in the canoe. Into the night. Not a bad idea, though, nobody can sneak up on you there (unless they have a lake submarine). The cops show up at daylight because that is how fast local law enforcement works. We think she's going to be saved, but some kind of lake mutant thing jumps out of the water and pulls her overboard. Oh wait, that was maybe a nightmare? She's in a hospital. Apparently two men pulled her out of the lake, and the cop claims there was no boy in the water. I'm glad she's still got mascara on. PEACEFUL LAKE MUSIC. The end.

W.T.F.?

P.S. This movie contains no hockey masks.

*Sorry, this was misleading; there are no actual people of color in this movie.