Monday, October 21, 2013

"It" Part II: The Live-Bloggening Continues

After I figured out that Part II was on the other side of the disc (What is this, 2004?), I continued watching the Stephen King Klassic It. The write-up was getting real long, though, so I split it up for your reading pleasure. You're welcome.

Back in Derry, Maine, present day. Bill arrives to town with his stupid ponytail and the best pleated pants. He visits his brother's grave. Apparently he forgot that he'd been murdered. I imagine they'll explain that eventually. Bill sees Pennywise come out of a grave. He mocks his stutter and points out all the graves ready for his friends. He says he's not afraid and the vision disappears. Bill goes to see Mike at the library. His horror novels are all on prominent display. Aww. His hair is tied with some fucking piece of leather. Apparently they haven't seen each other since they were kids. Mike never forgot because he never left the town. Mike's planning dinner for the whole gang. They've apparently got a psychic connection with each other. Bill and Mike cheers to "remembering," which Isaac points out nobody has ever said while drinking before. Mike apparently has Bill's old bike.

Image source.
Richie, in a red convertible, drives into town singing the Beach Boys, yelling about the theater closing. Then the marquis displays Richie's epitaph. The assistant librarian is SAMANTHA MULDER. Richie sees the clown upstairs and people thinks he's crazy when he yells. Richie watches balloons fall from the ceiling, and burst blood all over everybody. Pennywise yells that they're too old to stop him now. Richie yells about having to leave to Samantha because he's all freaked out. Bill got the bike working and they ride it around while flashing back to themselves riding it around as kids. They're about to put some playing cards in the spokes, but suddenly they have creepy clown faces.

I have not altered this screenshot in any way. SRSLY. This happened.
Ben is riding in a taxi to town, talking on a giant '90s cellphone. TAKE A DRINK. Ben makes the taxi wait while he goes down to the stream under the bridge where they used to hang out. He sees some other chubby kid get chased into the ravine by bullies and helps him. Ben, now as his young self, sees the swamp skeleton again, who wants to catch up. He's startled from his reverie by a homeless man. He runs back up to the tax and sees Pennywise by the side of the road. A balloon that says "Turn back now" appears next to him in the car.

Next, Eddie shows up in town wearing another sweat sweater vest. He flashes back to the pharmacist, who tells him at age eleven that he doesn't actually have asthma, they're just placebo-ing him for his mom's sake. Back to the present, the present pharmacist calls his inhaler "the old lung-sucker." He finds the old pharmacist in back, who tells him eyedrops are just water and then turns into something evil and tells him to get away and calls him "girly boy" in Pennywise's voice.

Beverly shows up at her dad's old house and finds out he's been dead for five years. A Mrs. Kersh, who lives there now, lets her in and asks her to tea. The apartment is way nicer now. Bev goes into the bathroom and plugs up the sink. THAT sink. Mrs. Kersh slurps and spills her tea. She's got the rottenest teeth ever. Bev looks down and her cup is filled with thick red blood. She drops and breaks the cup and the lady now looks like her father's corpse in a dress and a wig. He says he worries about her and chases her out. The clown taunts her from the porch. She almost gets hit by a truck. She now realizes that the house was all boarded up and abandoned as a yellow balloon blows down the street.


Back at a mansion, Audra and Greco, another vaguely European dude with a ponytail are yelling about how Bill took off. Greco is trying to make it happen. Maybe she's in the movie? He says if she leaves the movie he'll turn into her "violent enemy, ready to crucify you at any cost." Later, Audra wakes up during a thunderstorm and decides to fly back to the U.S. Not sure where she is now?

Image source.
In an awesomely and tackily ornate Chinese restaurant, Eddie sees Ben, in another Chuck Norris look (dress shirt, leather vest, jeans, belt buckle of doom). One of them says, "Mike, is that you?" Of course it's Mike, he's the only black guy in this town/movie! Richie has to throw water on his face before he can go in. Bev shows up. She's thin and beautiful, of course. She calls them a bunch of "handsome old men." She faints, but Eddie catches her. She wakes up and hugs everybody. Bill presumptuously kisses her on the lips. They say they've all seen Pennywise. Eddie says he still can't remember. But now he does? He asthmatizes himself. Chuck Norris Ben drinks glasses of bourbon. They haven't heard about Stan yet. Richie insists they drink and eat before getting down to business.

I have to say I prefer this man in the moon. Image source.
Apparently Henry confessed to all the murders and is locked up somewhere. He was a sociopath. Up in the psychiatric prison, Henry, who sleeps in a hallway, sees Pennywise's face in the moon. Pennywise wants him to help him finish the job (kill all the other kids). Back at dinner, Richie is drunk and saying he's going to leave in the morning. They open their fortune cookies and blood and other various creepy gross things come out of them, including a dying slimy baby bird. They all run out of the restaurant. Back at the library, Mike tries calling Stan. Richie tries to do drunk comedy. He's not funny. Mike finally gets through to someone who tells him Stan's dead. Bills flashes back to seeing Stan run through the park. He hops on the back of Bill's back and they get away. Apparently Stan was out bird-watching and heard his name being called from a rundown house. He went in, like AN IDIOT who's never seen a horror movie before. A mummy came after him, but he held it off by reciting bird names?

Richard Masur's greatest role.
In the present, Eddie says Stan saw the lights behind the clown. "I looked into its deadlights and wanted to be there," he said. The guys want a drink. Luckily, this library has a beer fridge. Inside the fridge is also Stan's head, taunting them. "They all float down here" blahblahblah. The lights go out and all the books are flying off the shelves. It's not a huge collection, but it'll still cost a fortune to replace it. Now it's raining inside. Does it rain that much in Maine? They hold hands intently and make the chaos stop with the power of FRIENDSHIP.

Bill finds a typed page that has one of his old speech therapy exercises written on it over and over. Nobody here is very sensitive about his speech issues. They take some boxes and run out of the library. Back in the psych ward, one of the dead greasers' corpses chats with Henry from under the bed. He's talking Henry into revenge. The dead kid gives Henry his old switchblade to help him break out. Pennywise, with a vicious dog head, attacks the guard so Henry can get away. Is this actually supposed to be scary, not just ridiculous? At a hotel, Richie yells that he's not going to be part of anything. He keeps drinking. So does Ben, but Ben can handle his shit. Mike pulls out the old newspapers about the murders in 1960. Apparently every thirty years, there's a disaster in town. And now it's 1990. "The Derry Disease" is deliberate ignorance. The adults in town just let the bullies run rampant. Mike shows everybody Georgie's picture that he found. Everybody who left town became really successful, but didn't have kids. They feel bad Mike was there alone.

Into town rolls Audra. A creep at the gas station who is Pennywise makes his eyes real bright at her. Ben tells a story about how he started running to prove to the bullies that he was awesome. He's giving Bev a backrub, NBD. He went to El Paso High, where he was a track star, much to the coach's chagrin. Flashback to Bev cleaning up the blood in the bathroom sink and then more appearing. She felt less crazy because he friends could see it, but nobody else could. She says they fell in love with all of them then. And now Ben is stroking her face and it's awkward. Ben always was into her. A number of them go to run errands. Ben goes into Bev's room to get her shawl and smells her shit like a creep. Mike grabs a sweater from his room, where Henry's waiting and stabs him, saying he'll pay them all back. Bev finds Ben and comes onto him. I don't believe it's really her. They start making out and she's a bit rabid. In the mirror, he sees that it's actually Pennywise. Knew it. Meanwhile, Eddie's washing down pills with booze. Ben and Eddie come to their senses and bust in on Henry attacking Mike. Henry ends up stabbed. I think Mike is dead, but maybe too is Henry. They carry Mike to Richie's convertible and they all cram inside. LIKE A CLOWN CAR, get it? Also, isn't Richie super-drunk? He probs shouldn't be driving.

The gang waits tensely at the hospital. Ben comforts Bev (real Bev). She cries about how she fell in love with somebody who was just like her abusive dad. Ben says he can't love, but Bev points out he's a poet. He gets freaked out, but she reassures him it's really her and kisses him. Eddie interrupts. The surgeon says Mike is okay. The doctor says one guest is allowed, so Bill goes in with his sweet, sweet ponytail. Henry is dead. Mike says TRUST NO ONE. Apparently ten years ago, Mike went down into the sewers, all suicidally, and found the silver chunks. Apparently they're not telling the cops about Henry's body because they can't trust the police. Eddie and Richie want to bail. Apparently Audra never made it to town. Richie sees on the news that a little girl's body was found mutilated. They all rush out of the hotel. Dad hears "Fur Elise" from the ballroom and doesn't scratch out his own eyes because his mom wasn't a piano teacher like mine. His mom and brother are at the piano. The other dudes want to leave, but Bill won't go because of his brother. He says, "I don't want to be scared anymore." He's going to go back in the sewer. Jonathan Brandis was way too pretty a child for the ponytailed nonsense of  John-Boy Walton. He convinces them with EMOTIONS to go back and kill It.

Richie smells their own deaths. Yum. If I were Bev, I'd put some pants on. She's wearing a skirt, she's not bottomless. The actor playing grown-up Richie looks nothing like Seth Green, but instead a poor man's William H. Macy. Ben's wearing a leather jacket over his leather vest. NICE. LEATHER ON LEATHER ON LEATHER. Ben finds a purse on the ground in the sewer. Bill recognizes it as Audra's and runs off to find her. He slips on the slimy floor. He curls in a ball all scared until Bev yells him into his senses. Oh good, she did put on jeans at some point. Richie's reluctance is a real liability. However, reluctant Stan was the one who stepped up last time, so I'm guessing Richie's mustache will save the day somehow. They find the room they encountered It in before. Georgie's paper boat comes towards them. Step away from the drain, Bill. One-armed Georgie appears and tells Bill it's all his fault. They all tell him it's not really his brother. Bill calls It out. An image of Pennywise says they'll never really see him and then laughs maniacally.

Bill's figured out that It has to feed every 30 years by taking a physical form. They have to find the physical form to kill it, I guess. Ugh, my hands and wrists are getting all crackly from this laptop-in-the-lap typing for three hours. I've refilled my drink, so that should help. The gang follows the boat to a weird little door surrounding by skulls. Now Eddie admits that he's a virgin. Good timing, bro. Maybe Beverly will pity-fuck you later. They go in the little leprechaun-sized door to some kind of cave with oddly good lighting. There's some kind of web holding Audra's body. Bill goes to save her. A giant creepy claymation spider thingy emerges from further back in the cave. Wow, these special effects are shitty. It's got nice creepy pincers, though. Bev misses on her first attempt to slingshot the silver into its face. Bill chants his speech exercises. The other silver thing bounces off its head. It exposes Its stomach, which I guess is the deadlights that looked like a space ship earlier. The lights have entranced Bill and a couple others. Bev runs off somewhere as Eddie sprays his inhaler at the spider thing. Doesn't work. It lifts him up. Bev finds one of the silver things and launches it at the deadlights. There's an explosion inside the thing, I guess? The spider starts walking away as everybody else wakes up. Eddie is injured, apparently. I think he just died?

The spider's still alive, and the remaining four go after it. They shove it over and start kicking and punching it, pulling it apart. I think they've pulled its heart out. The deadlights go out once and for all. Well done, friends. All the cocooned bodies come down from the ceiling. Bill grabs Audra, who is seemingly still alive. They end up outside with Audra and Eddie's bodies in the place they vowed to each other and hugged back then. Mike is doing better and leaving town. Richie's going to be in a movie. Ben and Bev run off to get married and immediately have a baby.

I meant the sexiness that is making out on a bike in the road.
Audra's kind of catatonic. Too bad. Apparently they're all forgetting again. Bill puts Audra on his old bike to try and save her somehow. The taxi guy thinks they're crazy. This reminds me of the time I rode Isaac home from the bar on my bike very early in our relationship and we crashed in slow motion. Bill almost gets them hit by a lot of cars as Audra somehow starts responding. Now she's awake and they're making out in the middle of a four-way stop where cars were apparently coming from all directions at once. Darkness. Clown laugh. The end. That was ridiculous.

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