CAUTION POTENT: Limit intake to maximum 1 bottle every 4 hours. Do not combine with other caffeinated products. Too much caffeine may cause nervousness, irritability, sleeplessness, and occasionally rapid heartbeat.UPDATE: It's been about an hour and I finished the 3-oz. shooter a little bit ago. Nothing too crazy yet, but I am feeling good. My hands are not too shaky to type, but the legs are even more fidgety than usual. I have a heading and a title for my paper. I am the most productive producer of products ever. FURTHER UPDATED: It's been another hour, and I'm still feeling something, but nothing super-intense. Perhaps because I didn't just shoot the whole thing at once. If I flag in the next hour, though, I officially call bullshit on the Hitman's viability as a hardcore energy drink. EVEN FURTHER UPDATED: It has been four hours since I initially began this adventure, and I am totally crashing. I'm tired, somewhat dehydrated, and have a vague headache. I am only halfway done with my paper, also (though I did manage to shower, which was a desperately-needed accomplishment). After consulting with Thrift Store Champion and considering consuming the second Hitman, I decided it might kill me and he is going to bring me something nice, safe, and effective. Like Rockstar Juiced. Fuck the Hitman. Full review forthcoming after I finally write the rest of this stupid reading response. *Seriously, how the fuck do you spell that shit? Apparently with a c and one b. **See what I did there? Eh?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Trying the Monster Hitman Energy Shooter: Hoping My Organs Don't Start Shutting Down
So at long last, friends, I have decided to try one of these "energy shooters" that the Manly Energy Cabal* have been coming out with. I have been intrigued by the tiny plastic bottle and the awesome concentrated energizing juice contained within. And I have wondered if it would kill me. At the liquor store Friday when we picked up the fateful bottle of absinthe, we grabbed some of these Monster Hitman(s)/Hitmen? Not that Monster is into promoting the idea of energy as some sort of violent assault on your body or whatever. But I will discuss their militaristic and masculinist rhetoric another time (perhaps in my master's thesis, but we'll see). Anyway, I have a paper to write this afternoon, a reading response, 6-8 pages for my history class. I've written four of these already this semester, and I've done well on all of them, but I really have to have some chemical help to get me motivated. I've hired the Hitman for the job.** I'm a little bit nervous since I've heard it fucks you up and even the guy at Energy Drink Reviews says it's the strongest shooter he's had. It's possible that I may never sleep again. But I have begun sipping at it, and it is quite delicious. I shall update the review as I make more progress. And just so you know: