Sunday, November 23, 2008

Trying the Monster Hitman Energy Shooter: Hoping My Organs Don't Start Shutting Down

So at long last, friends, I have decided to try one of these "energy shooters" that the Manly Energy Cabal* have been coming out with. I have been intrigued by the tiny plastic bottle and the awesome concentrated energizing juice contained within. And I have wondered if it would kill me. At the liquor store Friday when we picked up the fateful bottle of absinthe, we grabbed some of these Monster Hitman(s)/Hitmen? Not that Monster is into promoting the idea of energy as some sort of violent assault on your body or whatever. But I will discuss their militaristic and masculinist rhetoric another time (perhaps in my master's thesis, but we'll see). Anyway, I have a paper to write this afternoon, a reading response, 6-8 pages for my history class. I've written four of these already this semester, and I've done well on all of them, but I really have to have some chemical help to get me motivated. I've hired the Hitman for the job.** I'm a little bit nervous since I've heard it fucks you up and even the guy at Energy Drink Reviews says it's the strongest shooter he's had. It's possible that I may never sleep again. But I have begun sipping at it, and it is quite delicious. I shall update the review as I make more progress. And just so you know:
CAUTION POTENT: Limit intake to maximum 1 bottle every 4 hours. Do not combine with other caffeinated products. Too much caffeine may cause nervousness, irritability, sleeplessness, and occasionally rapid heartbeat.
UPDATE: It's been about an hour and I finished the 3-oz. shooter a little bit ago. Nothing too crazy yet, but I am feeling good. My hands are not too shaky to type, but the legs are even more fidgety than usual. I have a heading and a title for my paper. I am the most productive producer of products ever. FURTHER UPDATED: It's been another hour, and I'm still feeling something, but nothing super-intense. Perhaps because I didn't just shoot the whole thing at once. If I flag in the next hour, though, I officially call bullshit on the Hitman's viability as a hardcore energy drink. EVEN FURTHER UPDATED: It has been four hours since I initially began this adventure, and I am totally crashing. I'm tired, somewhat dehydrated, and have a vague headache. I am only halfway done with my paper, also (though I did manage to shower, which was a desperately-needed accomplishment). After consulting with Thrift Store Champion and considering consuming the second Hitman, I decided it might kill me and he is going to bring me something nice, safe, and effective. Like Rockstar Juiced. Fuck the Hitman. Full review forthcoming after I finally write the rest of this stupid reading response. *Seriously, how the fuck do you spell that shit? Apparently with a c and one b. **See what I did there? Eh?


  1. wow. thats kinda weird

  2. I was thinking since Tim is available.. maybe he could be an assistant Coach Outlet
    helping with the quarterbacks and offensive line.. can you imagine coming to Florida and having the best college player being your Coach Madison
    .. hanging out with you everyday -- I don't think we have to worry about the prospects still coming to Florida to play football; but to be honest.. Coach Meyer getting his health 'fixed' is the most important.. want to have him around for many years.. even if he's not on the sideline. I've been a Gator fan for 30+ years and have gone through the ups and downs of Coach Luggage
    .. Dickey; Pell; Hall; Spurrier and now the best coach anyone could ask for... sorry for rambling.. just a hot topic for me -- hope our Gators will win this one for 'the Gipper' - Coach Hamptons