Thursday, August 06, 2009

America's Dairyland: WISCONSIN IS AWESOME

The King and Queen of Wisconsin.
Wisconsin! It is our nation's 30th state, inducted into our hallowed union in 1848. The land itself was first inhabited by Indians (duh), but then explored by French fur trappers and traders who "leased" a bunch of the land for like a million years (actually 999) from the natives. The French passed off the land to the British in 1763, and though technically the U.S. won it in the Revolutionary War, Great Britain governed the land for all intents and purposes until the War of 1812 when we kicked those redcoat sons of bitches back to their foggy imperial homeland. The state's name is some sort of Algonquin to French to English bastardization of a word that may or may not have meant something about redness of the rocks in some parts of the Wisconsin River. Wisconsin also borders a couple Great Lakes instead of Canada, making it the northernmost non-Canadia-touching state. The landscape was carved out by something actually called the Wisconsin Glaciation, the last glacial period in North America. So that's awesome for all you geology nerds or whatever. Wisconsin was eventually largely settled by German and Norwegian Lutheran types, like Minnesota and other places where they serve "hot dish."* Madison is its capital, though Milwaukee is its largest city. Madison is home of the state's second-largest employer (after Wal-Mart), the University of Wisconsin-Madison and its Badger sports teams. Milwaukee is home to the NBA's Bucks and MLB's Brewers. I do not care about those things, but all good Wisconsinites or "Cheeseheads" are fans of the Green Bay Packers. Brett Favre is actually part of the Wisconsin Lutheran Catechism.** Wisconsin is the nation's leader in cheese production and falls only behind California in milk and butter production overall. This is because the hills of Wisconsin are made of cheese. Much like the moon. Or they have a lot of cows and loooove their cheese. Cheese curds make up their own food group there, actually. Fuck fruits and vegetables, MORE CHEESE PLEEZE! Wisconsin has a rich political heritage, including awesomely-behaired Progressive politician Robert La Follette, everyone's favorite 1950s Senator Joe McCarthy, and the only Senator to vote against the USAPatriot Act in 2001, Russ Feingold, who is not so secretly awesome. In addition, and more importantly, Wisconsin hosts more country music festivals than any other state. Even Texas! Or Tennessee! Or the other ones! The city of Milwaukee is the historical home of several classy breweries, including Schlitz, Blatz, and Pabst, and is still home to Miller.*** Popular tourist sites in the state are the Wisconsin Dells which I've seen from the freeway and is home to several culturally problematic indoor water parks and also Door County, where one of my former roommates is from. So it's real, is what I'm saying. I sometimes like to say that Wisconsinites are the beautiful rednecks of the upper midwest. By which I mean, I said it once before we went there on vacation last week.
Beer, beer, beer, beer. I don't even like beer and I appreciate Wisconsin's beeriness.
Here are some awesome things about Wisconsin that I have not already mentioned: 1. UW-Madison is a well-known party school and the city itself is notorious for its huge Halloween celebrations. 2. Awesome regional boozes of bizarre coloring. 3. Bars every 50 yards in rural lake areas. 4. Cheese. 'Cuz, yum. 5. Hunters like booze. I like booze. 6. Supper clubs. Especially ones that have random semi-exotic petting zoos:
At Anello's Torchlight in Shawano, WI. Ka$h warned us away from the baby zebra, but I did approach the giant scary camel and also petted a donkey and taunted the llamas behind the fence.
7. While I don't necessarily endorse illegal behaviors (and definitely not drunk driving), there is something to be said for having some awesomely high alcohol consumption rates. 8. Last, but not least, some of my favorite people are from Wisconsin.
Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Wisconsin. BTW: Isaac tried that neon-green Limon and even took a shot on a challenge from Ka$h. We tried it here with lemonade and it was DELICIOUS and not even super green jello-y.
*Non-upper-midwesterners often call this type of meal a "casserole." **I'm pretty sure Lutherans don't do catechism, but whatever, Brett Favre = A BIG DEAL. Or at least he did before he fake retired like 12 times. ***Which is still making Sparks, though Wikipedia claims the caffeinated version is no longer being brewed, though it's still on store shelves, people! WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN?!

1 comment:

  1. Great words gmartin -- I think most of us had a knee jerk reaction to Coach Outlet
    annoucement.. my heart was hurting for him; his family; not so much the school and football program but then reality set in and thoughts of Bob Stoops being our head Coach Ergo
    came into my head.. that is when it hit me... Coach Gallery
    is leaving... to be our head coach no more.. I was just sick.... sick for him; sick for Gatornation -- but still wanting Coach Hamptons
    to take care of himself and his health -- I was so happy that he decided to take the leave of absence option;