Tuesday, July 02, 2013

I've never seen "Rosemary's Baby": Here's a live-ish-blog thingy

Roman Polanski is a terrible gross rapist. I did like The Pianist because Adrien Brody. I do not support rapists. That is all.

So Rosemary's American uterus-havers and Guy is, like, Rick Perry or John Kasich, and the coven is the Republicans and Satan is, I guess, the Patriarchy. THE END.
New York, 1965 (movie 1968): There is a black man operating the elevator. Mia Farrow is SO young. Always super-skinny, though. Some old coma lady died and her apartment's full of plants and weird writing. The landlord is perturbed that a giant dresser is blocking a closet. SURELY THIS BODES REAL GOOD. Inside is a vacuum cleaner and some linens. Mia Farrow is so pretty and talks funny, like a movie star from the '40s. She's from California, according to Our Lord IMDB, so there's no regional excuse.

Skinny, skinny Mia and her husband in blue have moved into the dead lady's apartment, but all her creepy stuff is gone. She just suggested they "make love." I hate her. Also, they had to turn out the lights so they could bang on the floor. This is a really, really unsexy sex scene. Isaac just said, "This seems like an awfully nice apartment for a TV actor." And then I asked what Mia Farrow does, HAHA LADIES DON'T HAVE JOBS. She is good at putting up shelves with plaid contact paper in the haunted closet, however. Mia meets a new friend with a hideous '60s blouse in the "creepy" basement. The ex-prostitute has some sort of special smelly amulet the dead lady (or the lady she's living with?) gave her.

Mia is wearing a hideous robe thingy and their neighbors are making creepy chanting noises. Out on the street, Mia and Guy (her husband) come upon a dead lady, who is the ex-prostitute lady. The blood is fakey fakey red paint blood. Her benefactors in the apartment building are so dapper and amazing and the lady (MAUDE)'s wearing so much lipstick and in denial that that ex-slut jumped out the window. Rosemary has a dream about nuns and Catholic school girls and bricking up windows. Maude comes over looking amazing. Her bracelets are so dangly and jangly. She keeps touching and looking at all their shit and has curlers in her hair. She wants Rosemary and Guy to come over for dinner. What the fuck does Rosemary do all day?

I just poured another drink (half glass gin/half glass lemonade). Rosemary acts like a 12 year-old. The fucking white collar/floral dress situation isn't helping. Old man Roman Castevet has "been everywhere." Maude's dress is terrible/amazing. "No pope ever visits a city where the newspapers are on strike," Roman says. I don't know why he's saying this. Rosemary gets to reveal her Omaha Catholic upbringing now. CATHOLICKKXS. The ladies chat while washing dishes. There's an uncomfortable amount of talk about Rosemary's fertility. Guy's going to be bros with Roman now. Rosemary thinks they took pictures off the walls for them. SUSPISH. Maude/Minnie barges into Rosemary's place with a friend and starts knitting. This drink is REAL gin-y. Uh-oh Minnie just gave Rosemary the dead girl's smelly necklace. It's full of tannis root, which I googled and apparently only exists in this book/movie.  That's some ugly deep-pile carpet. Guy got a role in a play because the first choice actor suddenly went blind. OBVIOUSLY.

Rosemary thinks Guy's all "preoccupied" because he's an actor. He got her like nine dozen roses and announced, "Let's have a baby. Let's have three babies, one at a time." Rosemary's got nothing else to do, so why not? Isaac just called the romantic jazz they're listening to "proto-Kenny G." Minnie came over again. AWKWARD. Booze drippin' on my leg. Minnie's chocolate mousse has a "chalky undertaste." It's demon poison. Guy gives Rosemary shit for not liking it, and she dumps it in her napkin like a kid. She's clearly been drugged, she's all dizzy and shit even though she hardly ate any of it. So she is kind of insisting that they "try to make a baby," even though she's way too drugged up to consent properly. And Guy is undressing her and she's having crazy dreams while he is (presumably) fucking her unconscious body. Now there's some weird naked cult chanting. Guy is worried she's awake and there's blood all over her body and the devil is fucking her now, I guess? This is going to be a terrible hangover. BTWS, from now on, if I've got a nasty hangover, I'll say, "The Devil really raped me last night."*

Rosemary's all scratched up and her husband says he'll file his nails down and said he "didn't want to miss baby night." RAPEY RAPEY RAPE RAPE. Guy can't look Rosemary in the eye anymore. Guy is monitoring her period. Ew. So she's pregnant. Apparently the devil's sperm works real fast. Guy runs immediately to tell the neighbors. AWKWARD. They are way too happy. Minnie's making her an appointment with some doctor. Rosemary's cheersing with a glass of wine. Definitely frowned upon nowadays. This Dr. Sapirstein says, "Don't read books or talk to people and also take Minnie's herbs." Rosemary chops her hair and has stomach pains, which Sapirstein dismisses. Her pixie cut is so cute. Guy is a dick about it. VIDAL SASSOON. Rosemary is losing weight and in pain. Totes normz preggz. Roman barges in, basically to meet their old friend. Roman's got (suspiciously?) pierced ears. Rosemary looks so gaunt and terrible.

Guy sits roughly 8 inches from the TV screen while Rosemary convalesces in their yellow, yellow bedroom. The old friend, Hutch, wants to talk to Rosemary. She is in a lot of pain, I do not believe this is normal. Rosemary finds out Hutch is suddenly in a coma. Minnie blows a whistle for a taxi. Rosemary is in so much pain, not normzz. Rosemary eats all the meat. God, she's so thin. Rosemary's throwing a party for all their non-old people friends. She's trying to keep Minnie out of it. The party looks fun and very sixties. God, I can see her whole ribcage through the back of her dress. Her lady friends are like, "Constant pain is not normal." Guy is calling her ladyfriends bitches a bunch. Guy is being a dick about her getting a second opinion. But the pain is suddenly gone and she feels kicking. I think it's too early for that?

God I hate babydoll dresses. Though now that she's pregnant, there's an excuse to wear them. Apparently the rest of the pregnancy is totes normzz. Guy is so lame. Isaac pointed out there's so much mansplaining in this movie. UCK. Also, Hutch is dead, which is news I expected since the day she was supposed to meet him. Hutch left a book for Rosemary. God, this kind of movie makes me so paranoid. The book's called All of Them Witches and is supposed to be an anagram of something. The main warlock's name is an anagram of Roman's. WITCHY WITCHY. Rosemary has figured out that they're all witches. Guy takes away her book and puts it up high like she's a small child. Sapirstein claims he's sending the Castevets out of town. Now she's got pills and Guy threw her book away. BULLSHIT. Rosemary drops the creepy necklace down  a storm drain and gets some books about witchcraft.

Rosemarez figures out that the actor going blind was witchcraft and packs to move out. She goes to Dr. Sapirstein's for an appointment. She just figured out he's in on it, too. ROSEMARY, YOU IGNORANT SLUT. But SRSLY, way to go smarty pants. Isaac is mocking the rotary telephone booth. It's the sixties, bro, what do you expect? Dr. Hill is skeptical about the witch plot. A guy is outside the phone booth. Ruh-ROH. Not a witch? She goes to the doctor's office. She sounds insane, but there really is a witch coven. Is Hill in on it, too? He tells her to lie down. MALE GYNECOLOGISTS ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED. She keeps calling the witches "monsters" and "unspeakable."  Rosemary dreams about a good, healthy baby. Hill has called Sapirstein and her husband. They threaten to take her to a mental hospital and make her go home. The taxi driver is a white guy. I don't think I've ever had a white taxi driver.

Rosemary tries to escape in the apartment building's elevator. I don't believe there's anyone who's not in on it in this building. She's got to take stairs if she's going to get away. Really, your own apartment, Rosemary? Go out the fucking fire escape, bro. You are not safe here! There are dudes in the apartment. Now they're all sedating her. God this is scary and I hate everything. She's in labor. Fucking Guy. They've now got a little boy. Rosemary wants her baby. Guy and the doctor say the baby's dead. She doesn't believe them. Guy thinks she's okay now and that they'll move to Hollywood soon. Rosemary hears a baby screaming next door. She hides her pills instead of taking them. They're clearly collecting her milk for the sacrifice baby. Rosemary consults the haunted closet. DOORWAY! Fucking patriarchy/witches.

Rosemary's got a knife and is ready for some kind of action. They're just going to kill you, R, no way you save the baby also. She goes into the witch party and finds a devil baby. "Hail, Satan!" the witches say. The devil baby is named Adrian. They all want her to "be a real mother" to him. Rosemary spits on Guy's face. She should murder him incredibly violently. But she gets up to calm the devil baby. This is terrible and I hate it. THE END.

*Note: I will not ever say this.

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