Tuesday, November 05, 2013

Horror Classics: I drink and live-blog "Alien"

Guys, I've never seen Alien! I got some energy booze going because I'm feeling pretty lethargic, let's see if it works. We're watching the 1979 theater release, BTWs.

Space. The Nostromo mineral processing space thingy is headed back towards earth. We're told it has a crew of seven. It pretty much looks like 1980s space travel inside. All is quiet when suddenly a bunch of, like, numbers and shit start flashing on one of the old-timey computer screens, reflected on the emergency helmets. The lights go on in a room revealing people sleeping in some pods in bandage-like underwear. So far, we see six dudes. One of them wakes up. The crew, now all awake, sits around the table eating, drinking coffee, and smoking. There is also a cat. Tom Skerritt is here with a full beard. I thought it was legally mandated that he keep a mustache only at all times so as to best be identified as a cop in everything. He goes into some white room with lots of flashing lights. His computer makes all sorts of unnecessary beeping noises. Apparently the computer is named "Mother" and something something 2037. And one of the other dudes was actually a lady. Five dudes, two ladies. Sigourney Weaver is basically a baby here. You wouldn't think cigarettes would be allowed in space. I mean, they've got to filter all that oxygen. HAVE THE FICTIONAL PEOPLE OF THE FUTURE NEVER SEEN APOLLO 13?

The ship may be off track. Skerritt tells them they're only halfway home. Mother has woken them up because they've received a transmission. Some guy in military-type gear tells them they have to investigate any possible intelligent life. The black dude and Hawaiian shirt just want bonuses, but they're going to have to look into this transmission instead. They're detaching part of the ship from the rest of the refinery, I guess. They head towards a planet thingy nearby. There's turbulence and an elephant noise. Oh, I figured out that the non-Sigourney Weaver lady is CASSANDRA SPENDER. I knew I recognized her. The ship's landing does not go well and they have to put out some little fires. Apparently the hull has been breached. I don't really know what is happening. They're analyzing the planet's makeup and fixing some shit, I think. But also, Harry Dean Stanton (Hawaiian shirt) has been in all the movies.

A few of the team "get" to go outside and investigate some shit. It looks snowy and windy. The military-looking guy is Bilbo Baggins, you guys. Errybody up in this film. Damn, they smoke a lot. Stanton and the black guy harass Ripley (Sigournzz) about how much they're going to be paid and she sasses them back. So Skerritt, Cassandra Spender, and some other white dude are out looking around. They see some sort of a structure? among all the rocks. It's big and u-shaped and they approach it as the video feed cuts out quite a bit back on the ship.

Isaac is a genius! Why have I never thought of calling Monster and vodka "Vodster" before?! 'Tis now and forever known as such.

Anyway, the three explorers approach the structure through some pretty vaginal-looking entrances. Bilbo's video feed is completely cut off at this point. There's a dark hall thingy. Gravity seems to be working out for them fine on this planet. Dude #3 climbs atop a wall and finds a huge structure. A weapon? A telescope? It's very phallic and leather-looking. Isaac says it looks like a dead bug and a machine gun mated. I guess it's a dead lifeform sitting in a chair? He exploded from the inside. FORESHADOWING. There's no sign of the rest of the crew. The dead thing kind of looks like an elephant skeleton/thing. Everything is shiny and damp because horror movies, duh. Back on the ship, Ripley says they've found out the transmission was probably a warning. She wants to go get the other guys back, but Bilbo is like, "Whatever." Back on the planet/crashed ship or whatever, they lower Dude #3 down into the belly of the ship, which looks like it's made of metal bones if you ask me. He sees a bunch of eggs "or something" in the water. Oh no, it's just a layer of mist over them. Dude #3 slips and hits an egg. That can't be good. It's like a fucking alien fish farm up in here. Dude #3 gets a startle when he tries to touch one of the eggs and it kind of hisses at him. Something inside is awake and wiggling around (Part of the egg is see-through, duh). The top of the egg opens up. Slimy meaty-veiny shit is inside. Oh, and a hand comes out and grabs his face (inside the helmet).

Skerritt and Cassandra Spender apparently came back without Dude #3. They're saying that guy has to go into the infirmary, but Ripley's all, "Quarantine procedures." Skerritt tries to pull rank and she's like, "No way, dude." But then Bilbo lets them in. They cut off Dude #3's helmet and see that a thing that looks like a bony hand with tentacles is all up in his face and around his neck. Bilbo goes after a finger, and the thing tightens its grip around his neck. The rest of the crew watches from some observation area. Skerritt and Bilbo put the victim through some kind of scan. The thing has put something down his throat to keep him breathing. Bilbo doesn't want to cut it off of him because SCIENCE. Skerritt's like, "No, he's my dude." Uh-oh, the alien's blood is yellow and super-acidic. It makes a hole down multiple floors, melting everything in sight. Something something molecular acid. Stanton's pen has acid on it now. So they can't take the thing off of Dude #3 (King? Kane?) because its blood is acid and will destroy the ship. For now, it's keeping him alive all parisitically. Bilbo does science things in the lab. Microscopin' and such. Ripley is concerned about Things. This shot showing Bilbo talking and Ripley only on the very age of the frame is strange.

Ripley gives Bilbo a bit of a lecture about not following quarantine procedure. Because obvs they're all fucked now. He's like, "I'm the science officer. SCIENCE." And she's like, "I'm pissed but really calm." There may be a touch of mansplaining on Bilbo's part. Skerritt summons Ripley, probably for bangin'. But in an awkward turn of events, the thing has detached itself from Kane's face and disappeared. Why the fuck are they looking around without masks and shit and with the door open? So stupid. Skerritt finally closes the door. Do they even have any weapons? The thing falls down on Ripley's shoulder, but it seems kind of weak right now. Bilbo pokes it and decides to science it. It may be dead. Ripley's like, "Don't acid everything up." Skerritt is like, "I just run the ship, I won't tell Bilbo what to do." Because that how the "company" wants it. Skerritt decides to take off with the alien on board. They should probs leave it on the planet. What's the deal with Kane? He may be dead.

Kane is evidently still alive. The token black guy whose name I still don't know wants to freeze him to keep the disease from spreading. Oh, now he's woken up. They're all cheerful and having a meal before they get back into their coma capsules. Ripley doesn't trust Bilbo, and neither do I. The alien body is totally His Precious. Uh-oh, eating is not going well for Kane. He starts to choke and starts to seize. Orange liquid vomit. Or blood? Also, now, something's breaking out of his chest. It's a little alien guy and Cassandra Spender gets blood on her. The black guy wants to stab it, but we know its blood is dangerous. It makes a little baby growl and slimes quickly away. NOT GOOD, FRIENDS. Probably should've done some more scans on him back in the lab instead of just assuming he's all good. They've wrapped up his body and now they're going to drop him into space. Kind of launched. He's like the Osama bin Laden of the sky.

Stanton AKA the dad from Pretty in Pink has built some kind of cattle prod for the missing chest alien. Bilbo's got some kind of air density-changing contraption. The black guy, Parker, is always sweating. Stanton chain smokes. Cassandra Spender looks scared. They split into two teams to look for the baby alien. The bablien. Ripley, Parker, and Stanton go down some sketchy hallway and fiddle with lights to make them go back on, which maybe the alien caused? Isaac and I are taking bets: either the cat is the only survivor, or it dies a particularly gruesome death. He also proposes that the cat is working with the aliens. They enter some storage room and the air density thing makes a noise. Parker and Stanton hold up a net and Ripley gets ready with the prod. They open the cabinet. IT'S JUST THE CAT. Stanton lets it go, but we all know it's probs been alien impregnated already. Impregliened. They make Stanton go find the cat in some shiny gold room. He finds some molted alien skin with spiny bumps or something. Isaac: "It's like a tattered Magnum condom. Ribbed for that cat's pleasure." He is disgusting and I love him. Stanton wanders into some other, very damp room. Why is it so wet? These scenes are all long and full of building tension and shit. The kitty is hiding and adorable. A suddenly gigantic alien shows up behind Stanton as he tries to entice the cat out. It's got big claws and is leaking liquids out of its face and it kills him. The cat's like, "SRSLY dude, that's why I was hiding."

The rest of the crew gathers together to plot their next move. The alien's gone up into an air shaft. They are going to try to trap it. Not really sure what the plan actually is because all dialogue in this movie is very QUIET AND MUTED. In the future/in space, everybody mutters. Skerritt consults Mother, and she's like, "I can't help you with this problem," basically. Way to be a good space mom, computer. Skerritt has volunteered to go inside the air shaft because he's the captain and heroic and shit. The rest of the crew monitors him as he climbs through, carrying a flamethrower thingy because they think temperature might effect the alien in, like, ways. He tells Ripley to close all the hatches behind him. They're kinda cool and circular. Cassandra Spender picks up the alien on her sensor screen thing. It looks like she's playing Pong. Skerritt blows some flames towards the alien before he climbs down towards the Third Junction, where they think it is. C.Spender has lost the alien on her screen. Skerritt ("Dallas") has found some slime, but he hasn't seen the alien yet.

C.Spender sees it again, and it's moving right towards him. Bilbo is unmoved because he's a sociopath. Uh-oh, Dallas climbed down directly into the loving arms of the alien. Later they find his gun, but no blood or body. Ripley thinks they should continue with Dallas' plan. There's an escape ship, but it only holds four and there are five left, possibly? People are getting hysterical. I like how Ripley's jumpsuit has a back-corset. She goes to consult Mother since Bilbo won't give her any science answers. Bilbo's blocked up the computer, but Ripley's got an override code. Apparently he says that gathering the living specimen is more important than saving the crew. They're "expendable." Bilbo claims there's an explanation. Fuck that guy. Bilbo is a sociopath/possible alien/robot person. He closes the doors on Ripley as she tries to find the others. She's got a bloody nose and he's melting or got slime on him somehow. He attacks her and pulls out some hair. Then he throws her into a wall like she's a rag doll. He tries to shove a rolled up porn magazine down her throat. He shows no emotions. The others try to pull him off, but he's got like superhuman strength. I think he might be breaking down. Parker hits him and his head pops off. I think he's a robot. But, like, a juicy robot.

Everybody thinks the company sent the robot Bilbo along to get the alien for their weapons division. They try to fix his head because he might know how to kill it. He keeps leaking white stuff. I don't know where it's coming from since he's been decapitated already. Bilbo's detached robot head says they can't kill the alien. Bilbo crushes pretty hard on the alien. I do think it's interesting that the only remaining living humans are two white ladies and a black dude. Bilbo expresses sympathy to them and Ripley pulls the plug. Parker torches the robot. The three survivors decide that they have to blow up the ship and take their chances on the shuttle. Parker's shirt is falling apart pretty sexily. They split up to get ready. SEVEN MINUTES (in heaven?). Ripley hears the cat meow from somewhere. LEAVE IT. Parker and Lambert (Cassandra Spender) gather explodey things. Lots of cartridge things. Ripley looks for Jones (the cat) for some godforsaken reason. Leave the goddamn cat and save yourselves/the rest of humanity from the "company." I think the alien is just meowing to get her off track. The cat jumps out and scares her. She grabs it and puts it in a carrier. Don't take that cat on the shuttle. ADVICE.

Parker and Lambert hear alien noises. It's in the cartridge-gathering room. Lambert hysterical lady-cries and won't get out of the way so Parker can torch it. He jumps at it. Is it salivating? Why is it so wet? Lambert is frozen in fear as Parker is stabbed with some alien appendage. After dropping off the cat (because obviously), Ripley goes to help. She finds their bodies and runs away. She pulls the emergency handle things to destroy the ship. It will blow up in 10 minutes, and she's got 5 to change her mind. She's got to put these screw thingies in some holes to make it happen. It's on like Donkey Kong now. Let me guess, Ripley and the kitty get away, but the alien figures out how to stop the self-destruct. Ripley with a gun and Jones' carrier, runs toward the shuttle but encounters the alien, who is constantly drooling. She drops the cat (finally) and runs away. The alien decides to adopt Jones because aliens need companionship, too. Apparently Ripley's going to try to stop the self-destruct now. WHY? Just get in the shuttle. But it's too late. She's got five minutes left, but Mother won't listen. Ripley calls her a bitch. Fucking computer ladies.

Panicked running. Ripley goes back toward the shuttle with her gun a-flamin' a bit. Air vents violently vent air. Ripley finds the cat, apparently still in its carrier and fine but we all know it's full of alien. Ripley flames the hallway behind her and the kitty as she gets in the shuttle. She has one minute before the main ship blows up. She straps herself and starts shit up. She just might make it to be in the sequels, you guys! Ripley watches as the ship explodes in her rearview mirror. Lights, blastiness. Lots of those things. But she's okay! Sweaty and traumatized, but okay. She mutters, "I got you, you son of a bitch." I assume she's referring to the alien, not Bilbo or any of the others. Ripley pulls out Jones for a cuddle and a little nap (long-term cryogenic napping). After she puts the cat in its own pod, Ripley strips down to a tank top and some awkwardly-fitting/too small  underwear. No bras in the future. She fucks with some machinery and an alien hand comes out at her. DIDN'T GET AWAY AFTER ALL, MOFO.

Where are her space coma shorts?
Ripley hides behind some space suits and watches as the slimy alien slowly crawls out of some nook. NIPPLES. Why don't her underwear fit? So awkward. Ripley climbs inside one of the suits as the alien moves its mouth around and is slimy. Perhaps she is just going to take her chances in space? Or maybe she just wanted some ass-crack coverage. The shuttle's lights are flashing and the alien is all snuggled up like it's sick or hurt or something. Ripley mutters to herself and pushes some buttons that blow air or flame at the alien as it screams and tries to climb out of the wall nook where it was hiding. Maybe she's just depressurizing the shuttle? She pants and the alien comes at her. She sends the alien flying out a hatch and gets it away from the ship with blasty power.

I miss him already!

CHEESY VOICE-OVER. She was the third officer and writes an oral report. She snuggles the kitty and hopes somebody will pick her up when she reaches "the frontier" in six weeks. She gets inside her sleeping pod. Space. The end.

That darn cat, amirite?

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