Sci-Fi Classics: Aliens

We are now watching the second movie about the aliens with Sigournzzzz: Aliens (1986). (Here's my live-blog of Alien, you know, for reference.) I hope the cat comes back!

Lone ship in space. Inside the ship, sparkles everywhere Is it frost? Sigourney is asleep in a pod. I hope she's wearing really awkward tiny space shorts. "Proximity alert." The ship comes into contact with something. The door is being blowtorched open. Who is it? A robot/camera thing floats in to investigate. It's using sweet lasers to look around because it's the '80s. Nothing's moving, so some dudes in protective suits and masks come in to find Sigourney. The kitty is sleeping with her. Taking off his mask, one dude says, "There goes our salvage, guys." SORRY THERE IS SOMEBODY ALIVE ON THIS SPACESHIP, BROS.

In a hospital, a space nurse greets Sigourney, who has finally woken up. Paul Reiser with the most amazing hair and a popped suit collar comes in with the cat. She's happy to see the kitty. He says she's experiencing side effects from an unusually long hypersleep. She's been asleep for 57 years. She was lucky to have been found. Jonesy the cat hisses and Sigourney feels something in her chest. Baby alien? Bablien? Screaming, doctors, chaos. It's busting out of her chest! Oh, it was just a nightmare. Sigourney/Ripley is in some kind of debriefing. She doesn't want to have to tell the story again. They're on that cursed rock. They're upset she detonated the ship. The Company told them to set down there in the first place. The committee does not believe her about the aliens. She's pissed. Paul Reiser is upset for her, I think. She tells him to check out LV-426. He says they're setting up a colony there and nobody's complained at all. There were a lot of eggs there, so they're definitely fucked.

Ripley has not ashed her cigarette in a really long time. She got her hair cut and it looks better. Reiser is at the door with a marine guy. They've lost contact with the colony. The colonial marines claim she wouldn't have to go down on the ground with them, but they need her help to investigate. She's got a job at a loading dock and Reiser's giving her shit about it being below her or something. She can get reinstated as a flight officer if she goes out to the colony. I'm concerned that everyone she ever knew has died since she was gone for 57 years, but apparently this is not a concern for anyone involved. In the Future, no one has family or friends, I guess. Reiser calls her Kiddo. She refuses to go back. His business card is clear plastic. She wakes from another nightmare, sweating and crying. She sticks the business card in some phone machine and Reiser answers, shirtless and just having woken up. She asks if they're going to destroy the aliens (not study or bring them back). He says yes, she says she's in and hangs up on him. She calls the cat a shithead and says he's staying there.

Large ship. A frosty sleep chamber. One of the officers listed on a screen is named Spunkmeyer. COOKIE TIME! The pods open and the gang is waking up. Ripley erotically stretches in her tank top and underwear. Dudes in marines shorts. The soldiers give each other shit. There's a couple lady marines. The officer dude is stern. One lady does pull-ups first thing. Really young and arrogant Bill Paxton is there. Vasquez, the pull-ups lady, is rather ripped. Paxton is wearing a sleeveless top like a douche. "There's some juicy colonist daughters we have to rescue from their virginity," says the officer. CONVIVIAL HOMOSOCIAL LAUGHING. Ripley is grossed out. Paxton gets his hand held down while this other dude pokes the knife between their fingers. Nobody gets stabbed. Paxton has a tiny douchey soul patch. The knife dude is an android. It makes Ripley nervous. He claims they're much more advanced than when she last encountered an android and won't hurt anyone now. "Stay away from me, Bishop," she says to him. "Guess she don't like the cornbread either," says Black Marine Guy.

Get yer brief on.

They weren't previously briefed. A xenomorph may be involved in the cessation of communication. Ripley tells them about her experience. Vasquez rolls her eyes. Paxton makes a joke about ILLEGAL aliens (because future racism is the same as current racism, hooray!). Ripley insists the aliens wiped out their crew in 24 hours. So many people smoking. Paxton is a whiner. The dude in charge wants them to read her report and says: "I want this thing to go smooth and by the numbers." Their captain or whatever yells at them to do things as they prep the landing ship with robot arms. ROBOT DUDE SUIT YES. The captain is chewing up his cigar. Ripley wants to help and gets in one of the robot dude loader suits.She's got great Reebok space boots. I believe she will fight the alien in these things later. The bros laugh because she is good at using the loader suit thing. This crew has some serious weaponry. Vasquez fondles the guns. She's the Boobs for this mission, I guess. Ripley and Reiser watch as they get ready to take their ship down to the surface. The marines board a tank-looking thing with their guns and get into "combat seating." Ripley climbs aboard and she and Reiser tuck in together behind the roller coaster-like safety bar. The android drives the vehicle onto the smaller ship. The bros are pumped because Space Masculinity.

Shut up, Paxton. They drop out of the larger ship. Some sweet '80s animation as the ship approaches the atmosphere. Lots of shaking. I'd be sick. The stiff lieutenant guy has only been on one combat job before. I'm glad the pilot lady is wearing aviator sunglasses in space. They've got cameras on their helmets. One of the dudes actually went to sleep during this. Vasquez has the biggest gun. They fly over the colony complex and see nothing moving. There's power and the buildings seem fine. The colonists have been setting up an atmosphere, I guess, a process that takes decades. They drive off the ship. Ripley stays in the car on the ground, where it's raining. A sign for a bar is glowing. Nice. They run a bypass on the door lock code thingy and the doors to the complex open. Vasquez leads the way into a leaky hallway thing. No sound or movement yet, but a few things have been destroyed. Pieces of pipes and wires hanging out of the ceiling. Vasquez's gun has to be held so awkwardly. The soldiers think the damage is from small arms fire or maybe small explosives.

The other team heads up some stairs somewhere else. They've got motion trackers, which don't pick anything up. The lieutenant orders them to split into groups of two to search the complex. They find papers and cups just sitting out on desks. A half-eaten donut lies abandoned. Ripley sees something on a video screen back in the vehicle. There's a melted hole in the floor inside. A huge hole in the ceiling above it, too. The hole goes down numerous levels. Lieutenant calls the area secured and Ripley calls bullshit, but comes inside with him anyway. She's got a sweet leather jacket. They walk into a lab and find some of the parasite dudes floating in weird tanks. Reiser confirms they're the same ones she saw. Oh, his name is Burke. He hits the glass, and the thing starts wiggling. Ew, gross. There are medical records of a few people dying while they tried to remove the parasite. Suddenly something shows up on the movement tracker thing. Ripley is really jumpy. Something runs by in a hallway and they shoot at it. Oh, there's a little girl hiding with her doll. Her hair's all matted. A soldier tries to grab her like an asshole and she bites him. Ripley crawls into the ducts after her and finds where she's been living. She tells her it's okay, but she's scared. The girl tries to escape again and Ripley grabs her. She struggles, but eventually she calms down. She's clearly been real traumatized. Ripley finds something with her name on it, it's Rebecca.

The lieutenant tries to get Rebecca to talk. The doctor says she's slightly malnourished, but otherwise physically okay. Ripley gives her some hot chocolate. She washes her face off. The girl finally speaks. She wants to be called "Newt." Her doll is Casey. Her brother Timmy is probably dead, same with her parents. She wants to leave, but Ripley tries to tell her she'll be safer with them. Bishop does an alien autopsy. He's a creepy dude. Paxton yells "Yo!" because obviously. They've tracked the aliens to a cooling tower and go to attack them. Everybody has to ride in the tank. Newt comforts her doll. I've got to refill. Switching from energy booze to a white lady.

The marines investigate. It's hot and wet and there's some weird growths around the hall. From the vehicle, Ripley points out that the complex is based on nuclear fusion or some shit and they'll blow up the place if they shoot anything. Cigar man collects magazines from everyone, but I'm going to guess some people are still holding. They can only use their flame throwers.The team finds some petrified dead bodies. Ripley sends away Newt in case they see her family. They find a live one. She begs them to kill her. The thing is bursting out of her chest and they flame it. The aliens have been disturbed now. The team switches to infrared vision. Ripley tells the lieutenant to pull out the team. They're being surround. Flames, somebody falls down. The flames detonate an ammo bag. Static on the cameras. Vasquez starts firing, like an idiot. They try to get her to hold fire, nobody can hear the lieutenant. He's sweating hard even though he's not in the battle. He loses contact with the captain dude. Ripley yells for them to get out of there. Lt. tells her to shut up. Paxton knows they should get out. The lt. is freezing up. Ripley straps in Newt and starts driving the tank to pick the team up, I'm guessing. Lt. tries to order her to stop, but she's not one of his marines.

Fuck yeah.

Ripley drives through an alien nest wall thingy to get the team. They're shooting the fuck out of the aliens as they move back to get on the tank. Blond dude gets attacked and accidentally sprays flame into the door. The alien gets its hands and face in the door as they try to shut it. They shoot it away, but a soldier gets acid-y blood on his or her arm. They get the door shut and drive away, partially on fire. One of the aliens breaks through a ceiling window. Ripley manages to run over one with the tank. She busts through a door to outside of the colonial complex. One of the soldiers tells her the axle's broken so they have to stop now that they're clear of the building. Newt gives her a thumbs up. Lt. got hit in the head. Vasquez calls him pendejo again. Two of their people are still alive inside according to the monitors, but Ripley says they can't go back to help them because they're being cocooned. Ripley smokes a cig. She thinks they should leave the planet and nuke the entire installation. Reiser says it will be expensive for the Company. "They can bill me," Ripley says. She points out that Hicks, blond soldier guy, is the next in charge and this is a military operation. Burke calls Hicks a grunt. Hicks responds by ordering a pick-up from the ship and says they'll have to nuke the place. "It's the only way to be sure."

Spunkmeyer finds something slimy inside the surface ship, parked some ways away. UH-OH, ONE GOT ON THE SHIP. The team lights flares on the ground. The pilot turns around in the driver's seat to find an alien. She gets killed, the ship crashes and explodes. Ripley protects Newt because of how she is a lady. Ruh-roh. Paxton freaks out. Newt seems non-nonplussed. Newt says they need to get back to the complex to hide because the aliens mostly come at night. They only have one half-full flamethrower left. They won't be reported overdue for seventeen days. Paxton/Hudson is freaking out. "I'm sick of your bullshit," Ripley says. The kid is wearing a giant helmet and is adorable. Ripley tells Hudson to bring up building plans so they can find places to hide. Bishop will check on the lieutenant and work on his medical "analysis." Ripley does not trust him. They figure out how the aliens are traveling back and forth from their nest. Ripley starts to make a plan for rebuilding some barricades and sealing tunnels. "Affirmative," says Newt. She and Burke gather rations. Hicks gives Ripley a locator. "It doesn't mean we're engaged or anything." Yes it does. SPACE LAW. Ripley brings Newt to bed. She has bad dreams. "I bet Casey doesn't have bad dreams," she says of the doll head. Newt calls her just a piece of plastic. Touche. They discuss "real monsters." Ripley gives Newt the locator bracelet "for luck." Newt doesn't want to sleep alone. Ripley says she'll be in the next room and promises not to leave her. They hug. Newt is the new Jonesy. Heaven forbid we don't mitigate Ripley's badassery with feminine caretaking.

Ripley and Bishop try to figure out who's laying all the eggs the parasites come from. Burke told him to keep the specimens alive for the Company labs, they're worth "millions" for the weapons division. Ripley wants them destroyed. She knows the 157 colonists were sent by Burke to this planet. "You're not going to sleaze your way out of this one," she tells him. So, the reactor's going to explode in four hours. They need to get the other drop ship from the larger ship. They have to figure out how to make contact, since they didn't leave anyone back on the main ship for reasons that surpass understanding. Bishop volunteers to go outside and manually patch in some kind of communicator. He gets down into a tube to crawl out. They weld him in. I guess androids don't get claustrophobia. Hicks tells the team to "stay frosty and alert." Ripley makes Hicks promise she won't become a host. He promises to do them both in. He teaches her to use the gun. He's real close to her right now. He's pretty cute.

The lieutenant is up and about but Ripley won't let him apologize or whatever he was about to say. Ripley finds Newt's bed empty. She's sleeping underneath it. Ripley curls up under there with her and calms her as she has a bad dream. Some sort of electrical storm is happening outside. Or maybe it's the facility breaking down. Bishop taps into the satellite and starts the process of remotely piloting the other drop ship down to them. Ripley wakes up to find something wrong. Her gun is gone. A parasite tries to get them. It scuttles around the room as she and Newt try to manually open a malfunctioning door. Nobody's in the next room. Ripley waves at the security camera, but Burke turns off the feed in the other room because he is evil. Ripley can't break the glass. She thinks to put a lighter to the ceiling sprinklers. It sets off an alarm and Hicks knows to come now. The parasite attacks Ripley and she throws it. It chases her and chokes her with its tentacle. Another one appears and Newt chokes it. Somehow Hicks jumps THROUGH THE SHATTER-PROOF WINDOW. He shoots the shit out of Newt's parasite and they pull the other one off Ripley and shoot it. Ripley says it was Burke who set them up.

Hudson wants to kill Burke. Burke would've been able to get a parasite through quarantine IN THEIR BODIES if they had been impregnated. Ripley says their bodies would have been abandoned. "I don't know what species is worse. I don't see them fucking each other for a goddamn percentage." The aliens have cut the power. Only red emergency light now. They aliens have gotten through the perimeter somehow. Ripley calls Hudson and Vasquez back. They're about to be attacked. They weld the door shut behind them. Newt wants to run. We should probably listen to her. They use the metric system in space. They figure out they're attacking from above. They look like giant bugs.Lots of alien shooting. Ripley yells that they should get to the medical unit. She shoots one of them and runs with Newt. Burke locks himself into the medical unit. What a slimeball! Hudson enjoys swearing at the aliens as he shoots them, but then he gets taken by one of them. They try to blowtorch through the med door. Burke gets attacked in the room. Newt tells Ripley to get in the ducts. They crawl toward the landing field. The others follow. Bishop says the ship will be there in sixteen minutes. The weather looks bad outside. Vasquez is taking up the rear and shooting the aliens behind them. Newt is unsure at a crossroads.

Newt pulls ahead of Ripley for a moment. Vasquez's giant gun finally runs out of ammo and she shoots the fuck out of an alien that lands on her with her handgun. The acid blood burns her legs. Lt. runs back for her. This is a pretty good action movie. Lt. and Vasquez blow themselves up with a grenade to cut off the alien's access. Newt gets pulled away on some giant fan thing. Ripley grabs her sleeve and she slides away down a duct. Hicks knows the kid has the locator on somehow and they follow her. She's landed in a room filled with water. She keeps clutching Casey's head. She climbs onto some pipes. She reaches her hands up through a grate. They have to cut through the floor to get to her. There's definitely one in there with her. They see one approaching on their movement meter thingy. One rises up in the water behind her. SCARY! They bust through the floor and only see Casey floating in the the water, no sign of Newt. Hicks tries to pull Ripley up. They have to get out before the meltdown. The elevator door shuts slowly and they have to shoot an alien. He gets blood on his armor, but is mostly okay. Just a chest burn. They make it outside where it's maybe snowing or hailing or just really windy rain.

Bishop guides the drop ship down. They have twenty-six minutes before explodey times. Ripley brings Hicks into the ship but plans to go back for Newt. She has Bishop fly the ship into the complex to find her. So many more weapons in there. She's duct taping part of one? Isaac says she must be taping two guns together. That's badass. She's got some grenade M80s. Bishop tells her 19 minutes. Ailing Hicks says they're not going anywhere. "All personnel must evacuate." FLASHBACKS. (To the first movie.) Ripley loads her double weapon and puts ammo in her pocket. She takes off her jacket. There are no bras in space! Ripley's got her flamethrower prepped. Blue flame on the end as the elevator reaches the bottom. She sets some stuff on fire, just, like, because. We're an hour 52 minutes in, but we're talking about how good the pacing is. It really doesn't feel that long. Ripley continues to flame in front of her and approaches the incubation area, I think. She just keeps setting shit on fire behind her. They track the bracelet. Newt's stuck in a sticky cocoon somewhere. She wakes up and sees one of the ganglion things coming out of an egg. She hasn't been impregnated yet. Ripley hears her scream, shoots the egg and a full-grown alien and pulls Newt out of the marshmallowy mess. Explosions are happening as Ripley carries her out.

This is what chicks talk about, right?

They find themselves in a room full of eggs. Is this where the mama queen is? A gross fleshy pipe is expelling the eggs. EWWWWWW. It's terrifying. Why are these adult alien guys always so slimy? Are they sweating?Mama's pissed. Her minions close in. Ripley slowly puts Newt down. She flames at the other dudes and they back away. Apparently this is Mama's fight. Ripley and Newt back out of the egg room. One of them begins to hatch and Ripley's like, "Fuck this" and sets fire to the whole room. Mama is PISSED. She shoots everybody she can. She's going to run out of bullets. RUN AWAY! Ripley throws her bandolier of grenades into the burning nest, grabs Newt, and runs. Mama busts away from her birthing canal or whatever to chase them. Lots o' explosions. Ripley still trying to escape with Newt in her arms. Four minutes left. Elevator so slow. They hear Mama screaming and start to climb the ladder. They're going to have to take care of this terrifying bitch. DOOR CLOSE, DOOR  CLOSE. Ripley flames Mama through the grate. The elevator goes up. Explosions. Mama growls and drips slime. Two minutes. They get to Gate 28. The ship is gone, I think? The elevator is coming towards them. Mama figured out how to use it. Ripley's out of ammo. They stand on a platform as everything blows up around them. Lightning and explosions and flames.

The elevator reaches their floor and it's Mama. The ship rises up behind them just now. They grab onto the ladder as shit continues to go down. The ladder hits something and they get a little stuck. "Punch it, Bishop." They start to fly out. Bishop is supes calm because of how he is synthetic. Massive explosion behind them. They barely make it out. "We made it." Ripley gives Newt a kiss. Hicks' face is all bandaged. They'll have to bring him out on a stretcher. Bishop left the platform because it was becoming unstable. Uh-oh. He drips acid. Something comes out of his chest and he starts spewing android milk blood. The mom has latched onto the bottom of the ship. OH GOD CREEPY SCARY. Ripley distracts as Newt runs. Ripley runs and shuts a cargo lock door behind her. Bishop's upper body sprays android blood, but he's still conscious. Newt watches the alien from underneath a grate. Mama finds her and starts lifting things off to get to her. Newt crawls away. Ripley's back now, though, wearing the cargo loader. "Get away from her, you bitch!" She's gonna fuck her up with her mechanical arms. She slaps her with the grabby arm things. The alien's got a scary tail whip. Ripley keeps missing her.

That alien queen probably doesn't even lift, bro.

Ripley opens some kind of door, grabs onto Mama, sprays her with flame, screams and tries to drop her into this compartment. Mama pulls her in with her, though. Ripley gets out of the loader and tries to climb out. She opens the door, to space I guess, and the alien eventually has to let go and gets pulled out. Newt is getting pulled out too, but Bishop manages to grab her. Ripley gets out and shuts the door. How are they still breathing? "Mommy!" Newt says. "Not bad for a human," says dismembered Bishop. He and Hicks are both put into chryo sleep or whatever as they are about to head back home, wherever that is. Ripley's in her tank and underwear again. She puts Newt to bed. Sleepy times. THE END.

Another good movie.