Sci-Fi Classics: Live-Blogging "The Abyss"

This is an undersea movie. LET'S GET WET, 1989-style!

Can you dig it? They can! (For oil, underwater.)

A submarine. Dudes are talking about "Reds." It's the '80s! Cold War party!!!!! Some sort of proximity warning. Numbers. "Nothing goes 130 knots." Something's going to collide with them. It's a light or something? Did they just go through an underground warp zone? Collision blahblahblah. Fire, yelling, water leaks. I would never voluntarily get on a submarine. Almost as bad as a spaceship. Drowning/suffocation is inevitable. The ship is sinking. The captain says, "Launch the boy" I think he means "buoy." The ship is penetrated and water gets all over them and they scream and sink and die.

You didn't know this movie had royalty, did you?

Helicopters land on an aircraft carrier. A LADY arrives. "Queen bitch of the universe," some douche calls her. The lady says they're turning the wreck over to the "goon squad." I don't really know what's happening. Underwater dudes are looking around at something. Ed Harris is their boss. He gets a video call. It's the Navy calling. Their underground drilling company is apparently being utilized to investigate the sinking. They're going to pay them pretty well because they can get there before the Navy's salvage ships can and there's a storm coming or something. Ed Harris is Not Pleased they have to do this. The lady is pissed their submersible drilling rig she designed is being used for something else. She and Ed Harris are exes or something. She is on another submersible or something. I don't know, I don't really care. She doesn't want to be called "ma'am" by her team. She's worried they won't all make it to the right depth. Oh my god, I just don't care. The dudes are Navy Seals, I think. Their commander has a mustache. He's getting the hand-shaking symptoms of water pressure-itis or whatever as they arrive on the oil rig ship thing.

Guys, I hope the dramatic stakes in this movie helps these two near-exes forget all the very good reasons they are breaking up  and postpone their divorce for a few years!

She does not like to be called "Mrs. whatever." No one likes Lindsey. She's worked on this project for four years, and she and her ex were together three. Ed Harris drops his wedding ring in a toilet, but then changes his mind. His hand's all blue from fishing it out of the chemical-y toilet water. The crew is worried about radiation from the crashed sub. Mustache Navy dude is stern. Ed Harris is resentful. One of the Seals shows the nerdy crew guy how the weird fluid they breathe at very deep depths works on his rat, forcibly. They're all going down two and half miles into The Abyss. Lindsey's down to her tank top to pilot a ship. The little exploratory ships have reached the wreck. Not much sign of radiation. There are dudes in diving suits, but not sure where they are, since it's just ships investigating the ship right now. Oh, okay now they're going.  They're launching an ROV. Isaac is questioning some of the water pressure science happening here. The second woman in this movie is a butch black lady.

SRSLY though, how awesome would it be if they busted into some sweet underwater choreography up on that platform?

The sub had a ton of warheads on it. The divers are going to enter the sub through the pressure hold breach. They are now inside exploring. They have to break into some compartment where they find the bodies. Be cool, bro. Do they really think they're going to find survivors? In the missile compartment, Jammer sees sea spiders crawl out of a dude's mouth. He kind of freaks out. Ed Harris is going to stay on the other end of this orange rope from him, no problem. They have to make sure that they clear any compartments that might have air. Jammer's flashlight goes out and he loses voice contact with Bud (Ed). He tugs on the rope until it gets cut off on something. He's freaking the fuck out. Weird lights are maybe happening? Shitty keyboard choral music. Jammer tries to get away. Jammer is seizing. They think too much oxygen. Bud tries to fix the mixture.

Lindsey's ship shuts down and she sees a ball of light flit out from the crash site. It's like a pink sea bug thing? Her power comes back on and she has to go save the divers. Seal: "Look, I'm just a medic." Jammer's going to be in a coma, I guess. Lindsey's developing some film. Bud asks her what she saw. She doesn't want to say. She doesn't know what it is. The Seals think it could've been a Russian bogey. They're ordered to move to "Phase 2" which involves arming a warhead. The TV news claims it was a Russian ship that sank the sub. On the surface it's stormy. Cuban and Russian ships are monitoring shit. "Hippy," the rat guy, is nervous. The Seals have stolen a craft, I think. The hurricane on the surface is all hurricaney. It's dangerous for the dudes to be swimming right now or something. They follow arming directions from a "SECRET" set of directions. Mustache's hand shakes again. He wants no one to touch his bag full of nuclear warhead. The black lady is being sent down to do something else now.

If you were going to costume a butch oil rig worker, this is exactly what you'd pick out, isn't it?

She's trying to disconnect some umbilical cable, but the water currents are like intense or whatever. The rig is being pulled to the abyss. Topside, the winch gets destroyed, so that's not good. They're not connected to the top anymore. Sirens and lights in the rig. Whatshername's ship almost gets hit by crane parts. Hippy puts his rat in a ziploc bag to protect him. The crane crashes down right next to the rig. Uh-oh, now it's falling over the edge and it's going to pull them down, too. Ruh-roh! Sparks, fires, water leaks. Lindsey finds an oxygen mask. A Seal yells to Hippy to seal a room that has flames. Is his warhead going to go off? Hippy's rat in a bag starts to float away and he grabs it right before a little ship crashes into a doorway. Another dude gets smooshed under it in some water, I think? I don't know. Whatever. Water crashes into some room. Someone? seals the door and they're trapped, drowning.  Bud can't open it. The hose has to be cut inside. Water starts to crash down on him too and he runs. His fingers get smashed in an automatic door as water fills in behind him. A couple of the other dudes cut the hose motors and try to pry him out. He gets out and water pours in after him. They get to another chamber and are able to shut the hatch. His wedding ring kept his finger from getting actually smashed. SYMBOLISM?

The team can't reach anybody on the radio. Mustache tells Bud he was under orders and had no choice about something. Lindsey is trying to fix some shit. They're not going to have heat or enough oxygen to outlast the storm. Bud's glad she's here. She's not. She has to go outside to do something reparative. The video feed from the ROV with her keeps cutting out. The power goes out. The weird pink glowy thing comes up behind her. It's like a glowing ship/fish with lights and other stuff inside. It goes away and the mother ship comes up out of the Abyss. It's mostly pink and glowing and clear and has flashy lights. It's checking her out and making whirring/purring noises. She pets it? It starts to move away and then suddenly jets when she tries to take a picture. The little one is playful. Once they're gone, the power comes back.

Lindsey tries to explain what she saw. She says it's not human and it's intelligent. Hippy is pumped about UFOs. Underwater. UUFO. UUSwimmingO? Bud pulls her aside and accuses her of inciting hysteria. SEXIST. She tries to describe how it glided and was beautiful. It was a living machine. She needs Bud to believe her. "We all see what we want to see," she says. The Seals see Russians. Bud is not feeling it.

The Seals are doing surgery on the missile they recovered. An ROV looks in their window. Hippy's spying on them. He records the video feed on VHS. Hippy seems like he pretty much knows what's up. Lindsey overhears and is pissed. She tries to break into the Seals' room. She uncovers their missile and is PISSED that it's on her rig. Mustache sweats and tells her to make an about-face. A Seal grabs Lindsey and Bud puts on an alarm to alert the others. Mustache is named Coffey, but I'm going to keep calling him Mustache. Mustache is also played by Michael Biehn, Designated Sexy Dude in '80s Sci Fi Films, but with sinister facial hair here. Mustache's shaky hand was gripping a handgun. He says they can't trust the crew."We're going to have to take steps." Doesn't sound good. Hippy tells everyone Mustache's hand is shaking.

Lindsey wants to send down another ROV to get evidence that it's not Russians down there before the Seals mistakenly nuke the ocean. Mustache watches her argue about it with Hippy on a security monitor and hears everything they're saying. The crew tries to get some sleep. Hippy gets the ROV ready to go explore and then goes to bed. A pink light comes into the diving pool. A shape forms out of the water and moves down a hallway on the rig. It opens a hatch and sees people sleeping. It finds Lindsey and she tries to wake up Bud as a weird water worm looks at them. Butch Black Lady wakes up. They also wake up the bearded dude. He's about to throw a plant at it. It's looking at Lindsey. The end of the pillar of water mimics her face. 1989 CGI! It's not bad. Then it makes Bud's face. She touches it and tastes it, Mulder-style. It's seawater. Then the pillar retreats and they run after it. There is playful music playing. Isaac calls it whimsical. The water worm has found the warhead. Mustache and his surviving bro see the originating end of it at the pool and shut a door, cutting it in half. It retreats back into the ocean. Nice one, Mustache. RUDE.

"So raise your hand if you think that was a Russian water tentacle." Nice one, Queen Bitch! Mustache is so sweaty and paranoid looking. Eyes very shifty. Hippy thinks Lindsey saw their ships earlier. Mustache is slicing stripes into his arm with a big ol' knife. He tells his guy, "It went straight for the warhead, and they think it's cute." Inaccurate. There is a stuffed Garfield with suction limbs on their porthole. Mustache is arming himself. He's freaking out because they have no contact to the surface and it's all up to them now. This is going to end so well, you guys. Hippy makes his way down to the pool and sees that the Seals have armed his ROV with the newly-armed warhead. Mustache catches him lurking. The Seals pull guns on the whole crew. There's a Coke fountain machine. Mustache grabs his injured bro to help. Lindsey tries to talk to him and he throws her.  He puts duct tape on her face and throws everybody in the kitchen. There's three hours on the warhead's timer. Injured Seal says they don't have enough time to get a minimum safe distance away by then and Mustache disarms him. THINGS ARE SO FUCKING GOOD.

The injured dude tries to convince his Navy bro not to comply with Mustache's fake crazy orders. Jammer is awake and lets everybody out of the kitchen. He thinks he saw an angel down there. Mustache has tied up the door wheel thing. They have to find another way to sub-bay. Bud is going to swim to Hatch 6. Lindsey is worried he'll freeze. Beard's going to go with him. They strip down and go under. They're, like, legit outside right now. They find the hatch they want and open it. There's some air at the top of the pressure hatch. Beard is going to stay here while Bud goes on to some other place. Oh, he swims up into their pool. He sees Mustache playing with some chains and tries to quietly pull himself out. He's so cold. The crew is duct taping one of the Seals up. As the crew watches on a security monitor, Bud approaches Mustache with a large blunt object. Mustache pulls his gun and the trigger, but it either isn't loaded or malfunctions. They hit each other. Apparently the taped-up Seal took out his bullets. But now they're in a knife fight. Mustache gets the upper hand and starts choking Bud. Apparently Beardo made it through the water too and punches Mustache off Bud. Mustache jumps into one of the little ships and they try to pull the armed ROV off as he drives it away.

Let us not worry about which plot points have brought his shirt to this state, just appreciate the gifts you've been given..

Beardo shoots at the ship in the pool. Bud puts on an underwater suit and gives chase. Lindsey gets in a ship to follow also. Mustache is NOT looking good. He's stuck or something and Bud is able to start trying to take the thing off. He ties a rope to the ROV just before Mustache releases it. He ties it to the rig. Mustache better have some giant scissors on there. His pincers are not very good when he crashes into the building. He elbows to death a tape player that just started playing. Mustache starts chasing Bud himself. His torn shirt keeps getting more and more messed up.  It's half a shirt now. Lindsey crashes her lil ship into Mustache's. Mustache's has a fire. She picks up Bud but not before he says "I'm comin', Baby. Keep your pantyhose on." You should continue to divorce him. The rope comes undone, but they're able to grab it with the sub's arm until Mustache rams them and they lose "Geek," the little ROV. A chase ensues.

Ramming, Bud giving "Baby" directions. She causes a minor avalanche to get in Mustache's way and then rams him while he can't see and crashes him into some rocks. The two little subs are now stuck together and Mustache's is going over the edge. It doesn't pull theirs, though. He falls and then his craft implodes. The craft Bud and Lindsey are in is all broken. They won't be able to catch Big Geek in this. They're being flooded in the meantime. He's got a wetsuit on, but she's really cold. They should share a suit. She won't survive before he swims to the rig and back. He wants her to put the air helmet on and swim, but she wants him to wear the whole suit and pull her body back. She says she can be revived with hypothermia. He is reluctant, but it makes the most sense. He kisses her. She's cold and crying and about to drown. She's pretty dead and he's pulling her body back to the rig. The crew preps all the first aid stuff. They pull her out and start shocking her and stuff. They put hot packs all over her and pump air into her. Also, we see her really cold boobs. Bud keeps trying compressions, but she's gone. They didn't actually try the adrenaline shot he asked for. She's pretty blue. Maybe the sea alien will cure her. Bud freaks out and keeps trying CPR. They shock her again. He yells and slaps her to fight. He shakes her and she starts to breathe. She coughs and they all laugh. HAHA NEAR DEATH, AMIRITE?

She wakes up again later and they stroke each other's faces. How much longer until the warhead goes off? Okay, now they're prepping Bud to go disarm it, there's about an hour left. He has to wear contacts to see through the weird breathing fluid. They're putting weights on him to drop him to the bottom. He can't talk with the fluid, but he'll have a keyboard and can hear them talk. It's kind of freaky when he has to adjust to the liquid inside the helmt. Supposedly your body will remember breathing liquid in the womb.

He's calmer now and says it feels weird. He's basically wearing a full-on space suit. One of the dudes is wearing a Packers letterman jacket. OBVIOUSLY. Bud's holding onto a little tiny ROV and it's going to lead him straight to Big Geek with the warhead. Bud goes off the edge and lets Little Geek and the weights take him down in to the Abyss. Bud's currently setting a record for the deepest suit dive. He's one mile down and occasionally bumping off the side. He's having hand shaking stuff. The team wants Lindsey to talk to him, emotionally. Gross.

Ugh, worst almost-ex-wife ever, amirite?

She talks to him at 12,000 feet. He can't type right. She tells him to listen to her voice. Little Geek breaks and Bud keeps falling. He bounces off the cliff wall and tumbles down. He's got a flare to light the way. Lindsey tries to talk him through. "I'm with you. I'll always be with you." OH WHO'S NOT GETTING A DIVORCE NOW? Beardo chimes in. Bud finally types back that he feels a little better. He sees lights. The Seal guy thinks he's hallucinating, but it's the aliens. The Navy guy will tell him how to disable the bomb. Bud's flare goes out and now he's using a glow stick. Underwater rave! This green light isn't helping him see the right light colors on the wires. He almost cuts one and then tries the other, maybe? No explosion. He only has five minutes left on his air mixture, but it took him thirty to get down there. Lindsey wants him to head back now, but he says he knew this was a one way ticket. "love you wife" he texts. She loves him blahblahblah. I guess he's just going to chill by the lights now and wait to die.

Bud sees some pink lights come at him. A thing that looks like a glowing manta ray comes towards him. An alien dude looks at him from inside (I think) and extends a hand. It has only three fingers and flaps him away to their underground city or whatever. Inspirational music. Not great CGI here, but good for 1989. They fly down into a tunnel. Bud is getting sleepy. He lands somewhere and it seems like they're making him an oxygen room by moving the water away. He takes off his helmet to breathe. He throws up the water mixture stuff and coughs a bit. He takes off the air tanks and sees some of the glowy ray dudes floating next to the water wall. "Howdy." They show him his last messages again. Choral-type musicks. He salutes them. An alien face fades into clouds in front of the sun. Triumphant music.

The ship on the surface is trying to contact the rig now. They debate how to get them back. Suddenly, they get a message from Bud. He's okay and has new friends. Suddenly the rig starts to shake. Pink light approaches. The big ship is rising up out of the deep. It rises out of the water and is a big purple/pink thing rising up underneath their ship. It's the whole spaceship. All the dudes are like, WTF? The rig is on top of it, too. The survivors climb out. "We should be dead," Lindsey says. "We didn't decompress." Bud climbs out of tunnel with his arms raised triumphantly. They walk to each other and start to make out.

Blahblahblah the end. So long. Literally, I'm not saying goodbye, that movie was just so. long. Ugh, James Cameron, get an editor.

Sci-Fi Classics: Aliens

We are now watching the second movie about the aliens with Sigournzzzz: Aliens (1986). (Here's my live-blog of Alien, you know, for reference.) I hope the cat comes back!

Lone ship in space. Inside the ship, sparkles everywhere Is it frost? Sigourney is asleep in a pod. I hope she's wearing really awkward tiny space shorts. "Proximity alert." The ship comes into contact with something. The door is being blowtorched open. Who is it? A robot/camera thing floats in to investigate. It's using sweet lasers to look around because it's the '80s. Nothing's moving, so some dudes in protective suits and masks come in to find Sigourney. The kitty is sleeping with her. Taking off his mask, one dude says, "There goes our salvage, guys." SORRY THERE IS SOMEBODY ALIVE ON THIS SPACESHIP, BROS.

In a hospital, a space nurse greets Sigourney, who has finally woken up. Paul Reiser with the most amazing hair and a popped suit collar comes in with the cat. She's happy to see the kitty. He says she's experiencing side effects from an unusually long hypersleep. She's been asleep for 57 years. She was lucky to have been found. Jonesy the cat hisses and Sigourney feels something in her chest. Baby alien? Bablien? Screaming, doctors, chaos. It's busting out of her chest! Oh, it was just a nightmare. Sigourney/Ripley is in some kind of debriefing. She doesn't want to have to tell the story again. They're on that cursed rock. They're upset she detonated the ship. The Company told them to set down there in the first place. The committee does not believe her about the aliens. She's pissed. Paul Reiser is upset for her, I think. She tells him to check out LV-426. He says they're setting up a colony there and nobody's complained at all. There were a lot of eggs there, so they're definitely fucked.

Ripley has not ashed her cigarette in a really long time. She got her hair cut and it looks better. Reiser is at the door with a marine guy. They've lost contact with the colony. The colonial marines claim she wouldn't have to go down on the ground with them, but they need her help to investigate. She's got a job at a loading dock and Reiser's giving her shit about it being below her or something. She can get reinstated as a flight officer if she goes out to the colony. I'm concerned that everyone she ever knew has died since she was gone for 57 years, but apparently this is not a concern for anyone involved. In the Future, no one has family or friends, I guess. Reiser calls her Kiddo. She refuses to go back. His business card is clear plastic. She wakes from another nightmare, sweating and crying. She sticks the business card in some phone machine and Reiser answers, shirtless and just having woken up. She asks if they're going to destroy the aliens (not study or bring them back). He says yes, she says she's in and hangs up on him. She calls the cat a shithead and says he's staying there.

Large ship. A frosty sleep chamber. One of the officers listed on a screen is named Spunkmeyer. COOKIE TIME! The pods open and the gang is waking up. Ripley erotically stretches in her tank top and underwear. Dudes in marines shorts. The soldiers give each other shit. There's a couple lady marines. The officer dude is stern. One lady does pull-ups first thing. Really young and arrogant Bill Paxton is there. Vasquez, the pull-ups lady, is rather ripped. Paxton is wearing a sleeveless top like a douche. "There's some juicy colonist daughters we have to rescue from their virginity," says the officer. CONVIVIAL HOMOSOCIAL LAUGHING. Ripley is grossed out. Paxton gets his hand held down while this other dude pokes the knife between their fingers. Nobody gets stabbed. Paxton has a tiny douchey soul patch. The knife dude is an android. It makes Ripley nervous. He claims they're much more advanced than when she last encountered an android and won't hurt anyone now. "Stay away from me, Bishop," she says to him. "Guess she don't like the cornbread either," says Black Marine Guy.

Get yer brief on.

They weren't previously briefed. A xenomorph may be involved in the cessation of communication. Ripley tells them about her experience. Vasquez rolls her eyes. Paxton makes a joke about ILLEGAL aliens (because future racism is the same as current racism, hooray!). Ripley insists the aliens wiped out their crew in 24 hours. So many people smoking. Paxton is a whiner. The dude in charge wants them to read her report and says: "I want this thing to go smooth and by the numbers." Their captain or whatever yells at them to do things as they prep the landing ship with robot arms. ROBOT DUDE SUIT YES. The captain is chewing up his cigar. Ripley wants to help and gets in one of the robot dude loader suits.She's got great Reebok space boots. I believe she will fight the alien in these things later. The bros laugh because she is good at using the loader suit thing. This crew has some serious weaponry. Vasquez fondles the guns. She's the Boobs for this mission, I guess. Ripley and Reiser watch as they get ready to take their ship down to the surface. The marines board a tank-looking thing with their guns and get into "combat seating." Ripley climbs aboard and she and Reiser tuck in together behind the roller coaster-like safety bar. The android drives the vehicle onto the smaller ship. The bros are pumped because Space Masculinity.

Shut up, Paxton. They drop out of the larger ship. Some sweet '80s animation as the ship approaches the atmosphere. Lots of shaking. I'd be sick. The stiff lieutenant guy has only been on one combat job before. I'm glad the pilot lady is wearing aviator sunglasses in space. They've got cameras on their helmets. One of the dudes actually went to sleep during this. Vasquez has the biggest gun. They fly over the colony complex and see nothing moving. There's power and the buildings seem fine. The colonists have been setting up an atmosphere, I guess, a process that takes decades. They drive off the ship. Ripley stays in the car on the ground, where it's raining. A sign for a bar is glowing. Nice. They run a bypass on the door lock code thingy and the doors to the complex open. Vasquez leads the way into a leaky hallway thing. No sound or movement yet, but a few things have been destroyed. Pieces of pipes and wires hanging out of the ceiling. Vasquez's gun has to be held so awkwardly. The soldiers think the damage is from small arms fire or maybe small explosives.

The other team heads up some stairs somewhere else. They've got motion trackers, which don't pick anything up. The lieutenant orders them to split into groups of two to search the complex. They find papers and cups just sitting out on desks. A half-eaten donut lies abandoned. Ripley sees something on a video screen back in the vehicle. There's a melted hole in the floor inside. A huge hole in the ceiling above it, too. The hole goes down numerous levels. Lieutenant calls the area secured and Ripley calls bullshit, but comes inside with him anyway. She's got a sweet leather jacket. They walk into a lab and find some of the parasite dudes floating in weird tanks. Reiser confirms they're the same ones she saw. Oh, his name is Burke. He hits the glass, and the thing starts wiggling. Ew, gross. There are medical records of a few people dying while they tried to remove the parasite. Suddenly something shows up on the movement tracker thing. Ripley is really jumpy. Something runs by in a hallway and they shoot at it. Oh, there's a little girl hiding with her doll. Her hair's all matted. A soldier tries to grab her like an asshole and she bites him. Ripley crawls into the ducts after her and finds where she's been living. She tells her it's okay, but she's scared. The girl tries to escape again and Ripley grabs her. She struggles, but eventually she calms down. She's clearly been real traumatized. Ripley finds something with her name on it, it's Rebecca.

The lieutenant tries to get Rebecca to talk. The doctor says she's slightly malnourished, but otherwise physically okay. Ripley gives her some hot chocolate. She washes her face off. The girl finally speaks. She wants to be called "Newt." Her doll is Casey. Her brother Timmy is probably dead, same with her parents. She wants to leave, but Ripley tries to tell her she'll be safer with them. Bishop does an alien autopsy. He's a creepy dude. Paxton yells "Yo!" because obviously. They've tracked the aliens to a cooling tower and go to attack them. Everybody has to ride in the tank. Newt comforts her doll. I've got to refill. Switching from energy booze to a white lady.

The marines investigate. It's hot and wet and there's some weird growths around the hall. From the vehicle, Ripley points out that the complex is based on nuclear fusion or some shit and they'll blow up the place if they shoot anything. Cigar man collects magazines from everyone, but I'm going to guess some people are still holding. They can only use their flame throwers.The team finds some petrified dead bodies. Ripley sends away Newt in case they see her family. They find a live one. She begs them to kill her. The thing is bursting out of her chest and they flame it. The aliens have been disturbed now. The team switches to infrared vision. Ripley tells the lieutenant to pull out the team. They're being surround. Flames, somebody falls down. The flames detonate an ammo bag. Static on the cameras. Vasquez starts firing, like an idiot. They try to get her to hold fire, nobody can hear the lieutenant. He's sweating hard even though he's not in the battle. He loses contact with the captain dude. Ripley yells for them to get out of there. Lt. tells her to shut up. Paxton knows they should get out. The lt. is freezing up. Ripley straps in Newt and starts driving the tank to pick the team up, I'm guessing. Lt. tries to order her to stop, but she's not one of his marines.

Fuck yeah.

Ripley drives through an alien nest wall thingy to get the team. They're shooting the fuck out of the aliens as they move back to get on the tank. Blond dude gets attacked and accidentally sprays flame into the door. The alien gets its hands and face in the door as they try to shut it. They shoot it away, but a soldier gets acid-y blood on his or her arm. They get the door shut and drive away, partially on fire. One of the aliens breaks through a ceiling window. Ripley manages to run over one with the tank. She busts through a door to outside of the colonial complex. One of the soldiers tells her the axle's broken so they have to stop now that they're clear of the building. Newt gives her a thumbs up. Lt. got hit in the head. Vasquez calls him pendejo again. Two of their people are still alive inside according to the monitors, but Ripley says they can't go back to help them because they're being cocooned. Ripley smokes a cig. She thinks they should leave the planet and nuke the entire installation. Reiser says it will be expensive for the Company. "They can bill me," Ripley says. She points out that Hicks, blond soldier guy, is the next in charge and this is a military operation. Burke calls Hicks a grunt. Hicks responds by ordering a pick-up from the ship and says they'll have to nuke the place. "It's the only way to be sure."

Spunkmeyer finds something slimy inside the surface ship, parked some ways away. UH-OH, ONE GOT ON THE SHIP. The team lights flares on the ground. The pilot turns around in the driver's seat to find an alien. She gets killed, the ship crashes and explodes. Ripley protects Newt because of how she is a lady. Ruh-roh. Paxton freaks out. Newt seems non-nonplussed. Newt says they need to get back to the complex to hide because the aliens mostly come at night. They only have one half-full flamethrower left. They won't be reported overdue for seventeen days. Paxton/Hudson is freaking out. "I'm sick of your bullshit," Ripley says. The kid is wearing a giant helmet and is adorable. Ripley tells Hudson to bring up building plans so they can find places to hide. Bishop will check on the lieutenant and work on his medical "analysis." Ripley does not trust him. They figure out how the aliens are traveling back and forth from their nest. Ripley starts to make a plan for rebuilding some barricades and sealing tunnels. "Affirmative," says Newt. She and Burke gather rations. Hicks gives Ripley a locator. "It doesn't mean we're engaged or anything." Yes it does. SPACE LAW. Ripley brings Newt to bed. She has bad dreams. "I bet Casey doesn't have bad dreams," she says of the doll head. Newt calls her just a piece of plastic. Touche. They discuss "real monsters." Ripley gives Newt the locator bracelet "for luck." Newt doesn't want to sleep alone. Ripley says she'll be in the next room and promises not to leave her. They hug. Newt is the new Jonesy. Heaven forbid we don't mitigate Ripley's badassery with feminine caretaking.

Ripley and Bishop try to figure out who's laying all the eggs the parasites come from. Burke told him to keep the specimens alive for the Company labs, they're worth "millions" for the weapons division. Ripley wants them destroyed. She knows the 157 colonists were sent by Burke to this planet. "You're not going to sleaze your way out of this one," she tells him. So, the reactor's going to explode in four hours. They need to get the other drop ship from the larger ship. They have to figure out how to make contact, since they didn't leave anyone back on the main ship for reasons that surpass understanding. Bishop volunteers to go outside and manually patch in some kind of communicator. He gets down into a tube to crawl out. They weld him in. I guess androids don't get claustrophobia. Hicks tells the team to "stay frosty and alert." Ripley makes Hicks promise she won't become a host. He promises to do them both in. He teaches her to use the gun. He's real close to her right now. He's pretty cute.

The lieutenant is up and about but Ripley won't let him apologize or whatever he was about to say. Ripley finds Newt's bed empty. She's sleeping underneath it. Ripley curls up under there with her and calms her as she has a bad dream. Some sort of electrical storm is happening outside. Or maybe it's the facility breaking down. Bishop taps into the satellite and starts the process of remotely piloting the other drop ship down to them. Ripley wakes up to find something wrong. Her gun is gone. A parasite tries to get them. It scuttles around the room as she and Newt try to manually open a malfunctioning door. Nobody's in the next room. Ripley waves at the security camera, but Burke turns off the feed in the other room because he is evil. Ripley can't break the glass. She thinks to put a lighter to the ceiling sprinklers. It sets off an alarm and Hicks knows to come now. The parasite attacks Ripley and she throws it. It chases her and chokes her with its tentacle. Another one appears and Newt chokes it. Somehow Hicks jumps THROUGH THE SHATTER-PROOF WINDOW. He shoots the shit out of Newt's parasite and they pull the other one off Ripley and shoot it. Ripley says it was Burke who set them up.

Hudson wants to kill Burke. Burke would've been able to get a parasite through quarantine IN THEIR BODIES if they had been impregnated. Ripley says their bodies would have been abandoned. "I don't know what species is worse. I don't see them fucking each other for a goddamn percentage." The aliens have cut the power. Only red emergency light now. They aliens have gotten through the perimeter somehow. Ripley calls Hudson and Vasquez back. They're about to be attacked. They weld the door shut behind them. Newt wants to run. We should probably listen to her. They use the metric system in space. They figure out they're attacking from above. They look like giant bugs.Lots of alien shooting. Ripley yells that they should get to the medical unit. She shoots one of them and runs with Newt. Burke locks himself into the medical unit. What a slimeball! Hudson enjoys swearing at the aliens as he shoots them, but then he gets taken by one of them. They try to blowtorch through the med door. Burke gets attacked in the room. Newt tells Ripley to get in the ducts. They crawl toward the landing field. The others follow. Bishop says the ship will be there in sixteen minutes. The weather looks bad outside. Vasquez is taking up the rear and shooting the aliens behind them. Newt is unsure at a crossroads.

Newt pulls ahead of Ripley for a moment. Vasquez's giant gun finally runs out of ammo and she shoots the fuck out of an alien that lands on her with her handgun. The acid blood burns her legs. Lt. runs back for her. This is a pretty good action movie. Lt. and Vasquez blow themselves up with a grenade to cut off the alien's access. Newt gets pulled away on some giant fan thing. Ripley grabs her sleeve and she slides away down a duct. Hicks knows the kid has the locator on somehow and they follow her. She's landed in a room filled with water. She keeps clutching Casey's head. She climbs onto some pipes. She reaches her hands up through a grate. They have to cut through the floor to get to her. There's definitely one in there with her. They see one approaching on their movement meter thingy. One rises up in the water behind her. SCARY! They bust through the floor and only see Casey floating in the the water, no sign of Newt. Hicks tries to pull Ripley up. They have to get out before the meltdown. The elevator door shuts slowly and they have to shoot an alien. He gets blood on his armor, but is mostly okay. Just a chest burn. They make it outside where it's maybe snowing or hailing or just really windy rain.

Bishop guides the drop ship down. They have twenty-six minutes before explodey times. Ripley brings Hicks into the ship but plans to go back for Newt. She has Bishop fly the ship into the complex to find her. So many more weapons in there. She's duct taping part of one? Isaac says she must be taping two guns together. That's badass. She's got some grenade M80s. Bishop tells her 19 minutes. Ailing Hicks says they're not going anywhere. "All personnel must evacuate." FLASHBACKS. (To the first movie.) Ripley loads her double weapon and puts ammo in her pocket. She takes off her jacket. There are no bras in space! Ripley's got her flamethrower prepped. Blue flame on the end as the elevator reaches the bottom. She sets some stuff on fire, just, like, because. We're an hour 52 minutes in, but we're talking about how good the pacing is. It really doesn't feel that long. Ripley continues to flame in front of her and approaches the incubation area, I think. She just keeps setting shit on fire behind her. They track the bracelet. Newt's stuck in a sticky cocoon somewhere. She wakes up and sees one of the ganglion things coming out of an egg. She hasn't been impregnated yet. Ripley hears her scream, shoots the egg and a full-grown alien and pulls Newt out of the marshmallowy mess. Explosions are happening as Ripley carries her out.

This is what chicks talk about, right?

They find themselves in a room full of eggs. Is this where the mama queen is? A gross fleshy pipe is expelling the eggs. EWWWWWW. It's terrifying. Why are these adult alien guys always so slimy? Are they sweating?Mama's pissed. Her minions close in. Ripley slowly puts Newt down. She flames at the other dudes and they back away. Apparently this is Mama's fight. Ripley and Newt back out of the egg room. One of them begins to hatch and Ripley's like, "Fuck this" and sets fire to the whole room. Mama is PISSED. She shoots everybody she can. She's going to run out of bullets. RUN AWAY! Ripley throws her bandolier of grenades into the burning nest, grabs Newt, and runs. Mama busts away from her birthing canal or whatever to chase them. Lots o' explosions. Ripley still trying to escape with Newt in her arms. Four minutes left. Elevator so slow. They hear Mama screaming and start to climb the ladder. They're going to have to take care of this terrifying bitch. DOOR CLOSE, DOOR  CLOSE. Ripley flames Mama through the grate. The elevator goes up. Explosions. Mama growls and drips slime. Two minutes. They get to Gate 28. The ship is gone, I think? The elevator is coming towards them. Mama figured out how to use it. Ripley's out of ammo. They stand on a platform as everything blows up around them. Lightning and explosions and flames.

The elevator reaches their floor and it's Mama. The ship rises up behind them just now. They grab onto the ladder as shit continues to go down. The ladder hits something and they get a little stuck. "Punch it, Bishop." They start to fly out. Bishop is supes calm because of how he is synthetic. Massive explosion behind them. They barely make it out. "We made it." Ripley gives Newt a kiss. Hicks' face is all bandaged. They'll have to bring him out on a stretcher. Bishop left the platform because it was becoming unstable. Uh-oh. He drips acid. Something comes out of his chest and he starts spewing android milk blood. The mom has latched onto the bottom of the ship. OH GOD CREEPY SCARY. Ripley distracts as Newt runs. Ripley runs and shuts a cargo lock door behind her. Bishop's upper body sprays android blood, but he's still conscious. Newt watches the alien from underneath a grate. Mama finds her and starts lifting things off to get to her. Newt crawls away. Ripley's back now, though, wearing the cargo loader. "Get away from her, you bitch!" She's gonna fuck her up with her mechanical arms. She slaps her with the grabby arm things. The alien's got a scary tail whip. Ripley keeps missing her.

That alien queen probably doesn't even lift, bro.

Ripley opens some kind of door, grabs onto Mama, sprays her with flame, screams and tries to drop her into this compartment. Mama pulls her in with her, though. Ripley gets out of the loader and tries to climb out. She opens the door, to space I guess, and the alien eventually has to let go and gets pulled out. Newt is getting pulled out too, but Bishop manages to grab her. Ripley gets out and shuts the door. How are they still breathing? "Mommy!" Newt says. "Not bad for a human," says dismembered Bishop. He and Hicks are both put into chryo sleep or whatever as they are about to head back home, wherever that is. Ripley's in her tank and underwear again. She puts Newt to bed. Sleepy times. THE END.

Another good movie.

Horror Classic Remakes: Village of the Damned

John Carpenter's Village of the Damned.  Kirstie Alley AND Christopher Reeve! So '80s. Okay, I guess this is a remake. Haha, from 1995. Mark Hamill is also in it. The original was from 1960.

Waterfront house. Weird, dark cloud goes into the house. Pre-paralyzed Christopher Reeve gets out of bed in sexy tighty whities. His wife gets up and kisses him and they say some shit to each other. The town of Midwich has 2000 residents. The screenplay is based on a novel and also the 1960 film. In another house, a dark, whispery shadow flies over another seeping shirtless guy. His name is Frank. His lady is brushing her teeth. They have pretty good '90s wallpaper in the bathroom. She's all hot and blonde and wants him to get up. He's driving her somewhere in a truck. She has a sweet pink blazer blouse thingy on and he has a denim jacket with a corduroy collar. She's a school principal. She doesn't want him to smoke. He says he'll quit when she gets pregnant. TOTES FAIR DEAL.

Principal Lady and Frank are helping set up for some sort of school harvest festival. Frank leaves to go pick up a helium tank. A real estate lady shows a house to a couple as Frank drives by. This area is very picturesque. An old guy with a sweet ponytail uses a payphone. Frank sees Reeve AKA "Doc" at the gas station. Doc has to go do doctor business instead of going to the festival. The local priest is insistent to Principal Lady that they need finger paints. A sketchy janitor dude named Carlton drinks out of a paper bag in a classroom. Weird whisper noises. It's almost 10:00. Ms. Principal collapses. So does Carlton and the classroom bird. Everybody outside has also passed out. The whole town is asleep, I guess? Not Frank, though. He's in his truck that says "Crown something something" on the side. He gets distracted by some passed out cows in a field, nearly hits a truck and then smashes into another car and it explodes.

Some cop talks about how it's totally not chemical weapons. Kirstie Alley wears all black and smokes and is some sort of important sassy lady. The cops and emergency vehicles gather on this side of the white line they have literally painted on the road. The doctor shows up and wonders what's happening. The cops send one of theirs to the other side in a gas mask. He walks a ways and then passes out. They pull him back across the line with the rope tied around his waist. Kirstie is an epidemiologist. The edges of the effected area are well-defined. Mysterious. Doc worries about his wife. The cows start to get up. Now the passed out cops inside the line are awake too. Back at the school, the principal, bird, and Carlton wake up. The clock now says 4:00. Everybody out at the festival, including some cute dogs, start to get up. Everybody's like, WTF? Carlton is just like, "Sweet, I haven't drank my whole bottle yet!" A dude fell asleep on the grill and got barbecued. Gross. The cops and military roll into town. Doc Reeves finds his wife, the real estate agent. She says she's okay, but cold.

Another lady whose bath was interrupted by the passing out gets scared by a guy in a HazMat suit in her house. Principal Lady sees Frank's burnt truck getting towed. Now there's a mass funeral. The priest talks about how the "power of science" is worthless in this situation. Kirstie wears all beige and checks her watch. Mark Hamill is the priest! I didn't recognize him all old. Principal is sad about her dead husband. Doc talks to Dr. Kirstie about some "Book of the Damned." She's wearing all black again. Only one color at a time. She gives the Doc her card and says some shit about Sherlock Holmes. The principal feels ill outside the school. SHE'S DEFINITELY PREGNANT. Doc tells some other blonde lady she's pregnant. Bath lady is crying in the church. Rev. Skywalker is concerned. Her name is Melanie. They all passed out and got knocked up. It can't be that far to a city with an abortion clinic!

A big banner at a party: "Welcome Home, Ben." He's come back from a year in Japan and someone says something tactless about his pregnant wife. Doc has a sweet old-timey laptop. His wife wears an amazing vest. SHE'S PREGNANT! He's not too thrilled. He shows up at Principal's house. She's pregnant. He tells her there's a lot of pregnancies. An abnormally high number for such a small town all at the same time. They date from the day of the blackout. That weird cloud knocked 'em all up. ANGRY TOWN MEETING. The Doc tries to reassure them that their freak pregnancies have no abnormalities. I think Doc is smoking. Dr. Kirstie gets up to start talking about their decisions and how the National Science Foundation she works for will pay $3000 and all prenatal and birthing expenses will be paid if they can experiment on the kids. She says a team of ABORTIONISTS will be brought in for those who want to end their pregnancies. Ben's wife, the other blonde lady, is all sad because her husband is pissed. She heard "The [pregnant] Roberts girl is a virgin." NOBODY'S BUSINESS. Principal doesn't know what her choice will be.

Weird whispers at night. Principal has a dream. So does Callie, the other blonde. They're wearing white and rubbing their pregnant bellies in space or something. The Doc comforts his vaguely Asian wife as she wakes from the bad dream. Dr. Kristie smokes in the medical clinic. All the women are keeping their babies. Probs because everyone would know if they got an abortion. They ladies are getting more pregnanter. A birthing class. A row of cars shows up at a giant barn set up to be a maternity ward since apparently they've all gone into labor at the same time. They're all lying on their backs, of course. Melanie (I'm guessing she's the Roberts girl) is having complications. Doc successfully delivers a baby girl for his wife. The reverend's wife with a terrible lesbian haircut delivers a kid. Ben shows up to Callie's bed. He's going to love her again (because at least the bastard child isn't black). Dr. Kirstie is helping Melanie deliver, but the baby is stillborn. Kirstie runs off with the baby who I'm guessing isn't actually stillborn. She puts it in her van. Umbilical asphyxia. Kirstie smokes and pretends to be sad. The reverend asks Kirstie why she took the baby, she says it's for an autopsy. Isaac just made an "Awwwtopsy" joke because babies are cute.

Kirstie takes it to the clinic to do something mysterious. Rev. Skywalker baptizes his kid. All the other kids are getting christened that day or whatever. How many are there? Twelve maybe. Doc puts his kid down to sleep. Later he looks through a microscope at the dead baby's hair while Kirstie talks about how DNA makes it look like all the kids are related. Principal's kid is, like a year and half old, and spells out his own name, David, with blocks. He has creepy white-blond hair. The kids are two or three now, and Doc's kid has a crappy white wig on. She throws her food on the floor and her mom is concerned. That kid does NOT look like vaguely Asian Mom, but I guess we all know they're not normal. Her kid's eyes glow green in anger, I guess? Principal has come over to visit. Angry Wig Baby's eyes glow as she forces her mom to put her arm in bowling soup. She screams and Principal comes inside. She helps her pull her arm out, but she puts it back in. In the hospital, her arm's all bandaged up, but she won't tell Doc what happened. She's afraid of her kid now.

A foggy day, Vaguely Asian Mom goes for a walk and looks sad. Doc watches his kid with a terrible wig sleep and looks Concerned. I think his wife might have just jumped off of the cliff. Dr. Kirstie talks to a mysterious panel of people in a dark, smoky room. She says they have to keep studying the kids for "national security" reasons even though people have been hurt and Doc's dropped out of the study what with his wife being all dead. His daughter has been identified as the creepy children's leader. Kirstie asks for another year's grant. It's several years later and several white-blond children in gray clothes walk the school playground. The town has become largely run down and abandoned.
 

They've come to the clinic to see Dr. Kirstie. Mara, the leader, tells Kristie she knows she's trying to read her thoughts. Kirstie says it would be noisy if people said everything they thought. One of the kids goes in for an eye exam. The doctor puts the wrong chemical in her eye after dropping something and she screams. All the other kids get worried. The kid's iris does some weird red contracted thing. Mara comes in and flashes her red eyes at the eye doctor, who she forces to put the bad stuff in her own eyes.

The kids are lined up creepily outside Midwich Clinic. The one girl has an eye patch on. The doctor's probably permanently blind. What are these all-tan cigarettes Kirstie smokes? Reverend is worried about everybody's safety. Principal thinks Doc should teach the fucked up kids separately. She says he can teach them Humanity. Nice try. He clearly doesn't like his own kid. I love her Kid Blazer. That's some Creepy X-Files Twins Shit. The children do not like affection. Principal tries to brush her kid's hair and he says, "There's no need to become emotional." HAHA. He asks her why she's thinking some word, "empathy." Little baby sociopaths. I don't think he actually gets it. There are four matching sets of the kids and one smaller, single one. I think that one is David. I love his white hair. He comes upon A drunk and crying Melanie in the cemetery. She jokingly? offers him some booze. He sees her contemplating suicide (in his mind) and looks at her creepily.

Approximately ten people are at Melanie's funeral. Apparently she went through with it. Rev. Skywalker says the kids have only one mind and spirit between them. Doc sees David at the cemetery. He's "looking for the baby," the one who died. His creepy row-walking partner. Doc says the baby was taken away. "She was to be with me," David says. He's experiencing sadness, I guess. In a creepy sociopath way. David knows Doc has lost somebody. He holds Doc's hand at his dead wife's grave. That's a little empathetic. GROSS. Doc tells Principal what her kid did and said and she's confused. Maybe the dead one was to be his mate. Doc says he'll teach them.

 Carlton continues to drink. Apparently he still has a job. Doc has the creepy kids in class. They all follow Mara's lead. They simultaneously take out books to read as he has to leave the room for a moment. I love the girls' terrible matching wigs. Carlton comes in, "I know your game." He's watching them. "You ain't right, none of you." He jabs his broomstick at the kids, but they don't flinch. He says somebody's going to get them eventually, but they stand and stare at him. They get glowy green eyes and approach him. David hangs back as they follow him outside and he backs up a ladder backwards. As their eyes turn red, he sends himself off the roof onto his broomstick. Doc finds him dead and he and Principal look Concerned.

Mara comes to her dad and tells him "There are going to be changes." He goes to Kirstie and asks her who the children are. Kirstie thought they were a genetic mutation at first. There are other colonies: one in Australia, Alaska, Turkey. All the kids died in most of them. She says parthenogenesis is not real. She suggests CIA and says something about SUPERSPERM. Kirstie thinks it's xenogenesis. The mothers were just hosts. Duh. This plot is actually not too bad. The stillborn one is in a jar in the clinic basement. It looks like an alien. Kirstie says she's been hiding everything and has been building a wall in her mind to protect herself. Doc gets home and Mara says the kids are moving into the big abandoned barn and wants him to bring them supplies. There's no stopping them, she says. He won't tell her what Dr. Kirstie said. One by one, the parents drop off their overdressed children with adorable kid-size suitcases. Principal tells David he doesn't have to do everything the others do, but he says they're all the same. Ben comes to take back his daughter, but the other kids won't tell him anything. They make red eyes at him and now he's all entranced and is probs going to crash his truck. Why do these creepy little girls have such bad bangs? He crashes into a propane tank in a corn field.

Kirstie tells Doc to get out (of town) tonight for some reason. The other towns with blackout children have been destroyed. The government told her to escape. Doc confronts the kids about Ben's death. "Why do you hate us so much, Mara?" She says it's a biological imperative. She says if they coexist, they will dominate the humans. "Life is cruelty," she says. Doc says adaptation is key. He tells her that without emotions they are nothing. "Emotion is irrelevant." She asks if he should be allowed to live since he knows what they are. He thinks of the ocean to block his thoughts. She says he won't be able to deceive them and will have to help them escape and spread out to survive. She sends him to make arrangements, but I think he's only pretending to go along with it for now. David stares and has feelings, I think. Mara tells him sucks because he's without a partner and his development of emotions is "disturbing." Skywalker aims to shoot her from a cornfield, but gets confronted by four kids. He shoots his own bestubbled head off instead.

Dr. Kirstie and her assistants run off with their documents. Rev.'s wife screams with a mob. The kids confront Kirstie in the clinic. I don't think they'll let her go. Torches, bats, pitchforks. The kids creepily line up across the street. A few of them guide Kirstie into the basement to show them the dead one. A creepy little floating alien. Rev's wife talks in King James Version speech. David goes to look at his dead girlfriend with her autopsy scar. He's sad. Disturbing. The kids orange/red eyes make Mrs. Reverend drop her torch and set herself on fire. Principal just stares. Kirstie lays on the table and unzips her '90s turtleneck. She's going to autopsy herself. Auto-autopsy. Y-incision! Should probably undo her bra first. David isn't into it. He looks sad and is not eye-glowy. Doc breaks into a barn? The barn? He's stealing explosives. He'll destroy them all. Cops and military come into town and tell everybody it's an emergency and to return home. Principal is freaked out by the burnt lady's body.

Doc shows up at the clinic, looking for someone or something. Principal goes to the school and tries to call him, I think. Doc meets her there and says they can't stop the police or the children, but they can block his thoughts. He kisses Principal and is going to do something he won't disclose. He locks her into the school. She screams, "Not David. He's not one of them!" The kids hear the sirens approaching. David looks scared. The cops line up with their rifles drawn. The cops won't shoot at the kids. Instead, they start shooting at each other. Other cop cars crash into each other. Red eyes flash in the chaos. Cops get into a big gunfight. The children will a helicopter to crash with their minds. Principal breaks out of the school. David hangs out inside the barn, being scared. Principal grabs Burnt Lady's purse and takes her keys and her car to drive out to the barn.

Doc drives up to the massive destruction by the barn in his sweet wood-paneled station wagon. He turns the timer on in his briefcase full of dynamite and brings it into the barn, where the kids are sitting at their desks. He claims he left his notebook in his car and asks David to go get it. Mara says no, though. He gives her a brick wall in his mind. Principal shows up. She sneaks in to grab David, but they don't want him to go. Mara green eyes and David comes back. They red eye at Doc's brick brain wall and he tries to resist. Principal grabs David. Mara tries to get her and David tells her to leave his mom alone. They turn back to Doc, but he resists as Mara's face gets weird and see-through... fifteen seconds left. She's making holes in the wall. She sees the bomb, but it's too late.

Explosion. Principal and David have made it out. Okay, what was that secondary explosion? Another convenient propane tank? Emotional synthesizer music as Principal and David drive away. Through and out of Midwich. "We'll go someplace where nobody knows who we are." That white hair and eyeliner/mascara situation is a serious contrast. He blinks. THE END.

Never forget.