There's some Muslim prayer stuff happening and it's the desert and there's archaeologists finding shit. Old, in-charge White Guy finds some kind of small dragon head or something. Exotic tea shop. White guy takes drugs to stop shaking. The white guy is not doing so well and there are Muslims praying and also guys working in a dark alley and I have no idea what is going on or if I should be caring at this point. Now he's walking up some desert hill. Where the fuck is the little girl. Oh, there's a statue of a creepy gargoyle thing with a snake dick and there's some dogs fighting. And the sun is red and setting.
Thank god, we're finally in Georgetown. A lady with a terrible haircut and ridiculous silk '70s PJs is writing in a script or something. She hears noises possibly from her attic? Her daughter is sleeping peacefully in her own room FOR NOW. Shitty hair lady tells some dude in her kitchen there's animals in the attic or something. Apparently she's an actress on the set of a movie called Crash Course. She's a sassy lady in a a protest scene. She takes the megaphone and there's some priest checking out the shoot on campus. Her character sounds like a real square. OMG her pants are so high-waisted now, hipsters would love that shit. It is fall because FALLING LEAVES. Walking home, Hair Lady sees the priest talking to another priest. She comes home and finds another lady typing on a hipster typewriter. Apparently Hair's been invited to a White House dinner? Her daughter is now ranting about a pretty horse she got to ride. SHE WANTS A HORSE. Horse girl. Her name is Regan, and she's, like, twelve or something.
|Isaac's dream of Oscar the Grouch Schindler: I MADE IT COME TRUE.|
|But Captain of WHAT?|
"Oh, I'm a priest with flowers." That's my impression of this old guy with glasses. Is this Tom, the older guy priest? Too many white guys in priest shirts. Uh-oh, somebody's defaced the Virgin Mary with bloody boobs and some kind of claw/penis coming out of her stomach. Now we're in the psych ward. The LADY psych ward. Apparently our priest friend's mom is there or something. Is she speaking Italian? Now our Father is punching a punching bag. Now there's a movie industry party or something. Regan is working the room. What is she, baby Drew Barrymore? Somebody just got called a Nazi bastard by the movie director. Why are there so many priests at this party? Damian, he's the "psychiatric counselor" priest. They found his mother dead after a few days, I guess, so apparently some time has passed since the psych ward incident. There's a Nazi fight in the kitchen. Regan goes to bed. Mom's dress is so fabulously silver and sparkly. This priest on the piano is so gay. For some reason all the loud drunk singing has woken up Regan. She comes downstairs, tells someone the astronaut he's going to die up there, and pees on the floor. WEIRD. Still, though, they were being super-loud. Regan is worried there's something wrong with her, but apparently her "nerve" pills are supposed to take care of it. Regan screams as her bed shakes violently. Also, she calls her mom "Mother." The gay party priest is now drinking with sad, sad Damian and puts him to drunk bed.
Damian has a weird dream and his mom's in it and disappearing into the subway. Now Regan is freaking out and swearing at a doctor who is giving her a shot. Damian is giving a mass, but seems kind of out of it. Some doctor lights up a cigarette and tells Dorothy Hamill-hair Mom that there's a chemical/electric brain thingy happening with Regan. The smoking doctor says Regan is going to be a criminal if they don't remove her supposed brain lesion. Now they'll be doing some tests, I guess? She's seriously sedated. And they're calling her "REE-gan." I would just say it like the douche president. There's some kind of needles in the neck situation happening. I have to look away. Now there are some steampunk-looking machines coming at her head. It's really loud. Old-timey MRI, I guess? No lesions appear. What are these weird cupcake caps the nurses are wearing?*
The nanny calls the doctor because Regan is flopping up and down on the bed. Her eyes roll up and there's something weird in her throat. She gets up and hits a doctor and starts saying "Fuck me." Now she's been slapped by an invisible hand.** I mostly find this amusing. Two three-piece-suited white doctor guys are trying to mansplain to Chris (Mom) that Regan's got split personalities. More drugs, find the lesion. Oh, it was an EEG before. What looks like a dancing robot is examining Regan's body. Chris is wearing some Gypsy (SORRY, ROMA) scarf as the doctors tell her everything came back normal. Apparently they're just now looking for a psychiatrist. Chris comes home to find Regan's window open and it's super-cold. Also, now we've heard that Burke(?) the director-y guy or whatever has thrown himself down some stairs. Regan's not looking good. Cynthia says, "I think her chapped lips are the scariest part of this movie." Regan's been hypnotized and says sometimes "Captain Howdy" (ghost pedophile) lives in her. The psychiatrist wants to talk to him. There's growling and glaring and shit. Regan grabs the psych's dick HARD. Damian is now running laps. A sketchy dude with a newspaper watches him from the bleachers.
|Detective Mustache is on the case.|
DRINK REFILL BREAK.
Regan, wrapped up in a blanket, gets carried into the house. The detective contemplates the Death Stairs. Chris finds a crucifix under Regan's pillow. Detective finds some weird clay head thing (the artifact from the beginning?). Chris accuses Carl of putting the cross in there. Nobody will admit to putting it there. The detective comes to question Chris. Oh, it's KARL. K-Karl. That's why Burke called him a Nazi. GERMAN. The detective thinks Burke was pushed from Regan's window, which is apparently next to the Death Stairs. Chris offers the cop more coffee, but she clearly doesn't want him to stay. He admires Regan's shitty kid art. He wants her to ask Regan if Burke was in her room the night she died "when she gets better" and also for Chris' autograph.
There is screaming. Regan says no but is stabbing herself in the vagina with the crucifix and saying in her demon voice, "Let Jesus fuck you." She grabs Chris' head and tells her to lick her. Then furniture moves to block the door and Regan's head turns all the way around and asks Chris if she knows what her "cunty daughter" did. Now Chris is meeting up with Damian. They met through the drunk gay priest. She tries to casually bring up how to get an exorcism. Damian claims the church doesn't do them anymore. Her sunglasses are so gigantic. Fr. Damian says church approval takes time and besides, an exorcism could make her worse. Chris is yelling again. And crying on his priest shoulder. He comes to see Regan. Oh, Chris has a nice shiner happening. Apparently the demon is a noisy snorer. Regan's all beat up and tied down and has a nose tube. She talks in the demon voice and wants the straps gone. The devil won't make the straps disappear because it's "too vulgar a display of power." The devil claims Regan and Damian's mom are "in here" with them. Damian wants his mother's maiden name from the devil, but Regan just projectile vomits all over his face.
|Ain't being a movie star grand?|
Damian plays the tape for some tape guy, who points out that the devil voice is speaking English, but backwards. He gets called to the MacNeills' house by the nanny lady. It's all cold in Regan's room. Regan's face is all swollen and cut up and shit. The nanny shows Damian that Regan's stomach has raised flesh in the shape of the words "help me." Bad sign, kids. Bad sign. Damian goes to some bishop or something for permission for an exorcism. The bishop wants a "man with experience in foreign missions" because foreigners are into that possession shit. Now there's a priest conference. They're going to call in the archaeologist priest guy. Fr. Indiana Jones shows up at the house and the devil screams. Indy is a tall motherfucker. He sends Damian to get supplies. He says they shouldn't converse with the demon, because he's a liar who will fuck with their heads. He tells Damian not to listen. Damian claims Regan's got three personalities, but Indy insists "There is only one." She's growling and moaning and shit. The room is all cold. I love that they put padding all over her bedframe. Indy's holy water is in a little holy hand grenade-looking thing.
|This is gonna be AWESOME.|
|Cuz he believes he can fly. GET IT?|
|I don't fucking know. I think it's supposed to be scary?|
|THIS ENDED WELL.|
Some tense/fucked up/creepy parts, but not actually afraid. At all. Maybe I'm just inured to this kind of violence because I'm a jaded millennial or whatever.
*Sorry, can't find any stills or screenshots. Believe me, they are weird hats.
**The marketplace, perhaps?
***It's like this now, basically.