I drink and live-blog The Exorcist

Haven't seen The Exorcist (1973) ever! I know multiple people who were literally traumatized by this movie as kids, so I guess it's time for me to get freaked out.

There's some Muslim prayer stuff happening and it's the desert and there's archaeologists finding shit. Old, in-charge White Guy finds some kind of small dragon head or something. Exotic tea shop. White guy takes drugs to stop shaking. The white guy is not doing so well and there are Muslims praying and also guys working in a dark alley and I have no idea what is going on or if I should be caring at this point. Now he's walking up some desert hill. Where the fuck is the little girl. Oh, there's a statue of a creepy gargoyle thing with a snake dick and there's some dogs fighting. And the sun is red and setting.

Thank god, we're finally in Georgetown. A lady with a terrible haircut and ridiculous silk '70s PJs is writing in a script or something. She hears noises possibly from her attic? Her daughter is sleeping peacefully in her own room FOR NOW. Shitty hair lady tells some dude in her kitchen there's animals in the attic or something. Apparently she's an actress on the set of a movie called Crash Course. She's a sassy lady in a a protest scene. She takes the megaphone and there's some priest checking out the shoot on campus. Her character sounds like a real square. OMG her pants are so high-waisted now, hipsters would love that shit. It is fall because FALLING LEAVES. Walking home, Hair Lady sees the priest talking to another priest. She comes home and finds another lady typing on a hipster typewriter. Apparently Hair's been invited to a White House dinner? Her daughter is now ranting about a pretty horse she got to ride. SHE WANTS A HORSE. Horse girl. Her name is Regan, and she's, like, twelve or something.

Isaac's dream of Oscar the Grouch Schindler: I MADE IT COME TRUE.

The priest ignores some homeless guy in the subway who claims to be Catholic. What, does he have my job now? He's now in a sketchy neighborhood with lots of garbage cans and "ethnic"-looking children. Isaac called it a grouch neighborhood--Oscars and shit in all those cans. Also, he just suggested there should be a Muppets remake of Schindler's List with Oscar the Grouch as Oskar Schindler. Apparently the priest's mom lives in this neighborhood. She's got some kind of leg injury she's doing a shitty job taking care of. She is foreign and refuses to live in a nursing home or whatever.

But Captain of WHAT?

Regan and her mom are fucking with a Ouija board in the basement. "Captain Howdy" is apparently her ghost friend who comes at night and answers her questions. Mom thinks it's a hilarious game. Regan could be, like 14 or something, but seems to like her mom a lot for being that old. Maybe because she's a movie star. Something about Mom's got a boyfriend but they miss her dead dad or something. No matter how old she's supposed to be, she's too old to be tucked in like that. The priest is getting beers at the bar with some other priest. He's worried about his mom. He wants out of his current assignment. The other priest's older--maybe his boss? The priest may have lost his faith. Oh, the dad's not dead, he is just absent and won't call Regan on her birthday. Regan claims her bed was shaking so had to get into her mom's bed, which has mustard yellow sheets. More skittering/scuttling noises form the attic. Mom goes to investigate. Carl the super/landlord/butler or whatever accidentally startles her and they both agree that there are no rats up there.

"Oh, I'm a priest with flowers." That's my impression of this old guy with glasses. Is this Tom, the older guy priest? Too many white guys in priest shirts. Uh-oh, somebody's defaced the Virgin Mary with bloody boobs and some kind of claw/penis coming out of her stomach. Now we're in the psych ward. The LADY psych ward. Apparently our priest friend's mom is there or something. Is she speaking Italian? Now our Father is punching a punching bag. Now there's a movie industry party or something. Regan is working the room. What is she, baby Drew Barrymore? Somebody just got called a Nazi bastard by the movie director. Why are there so many priests at this party? Damian, he's the "psychiatric counselor" priest. They found his mother dead after a few days, I guess, so apparently some time has passed since the psych ward incident. There's a Nazi fight in the kitchen. Regan goes to bed. Mom's dress is so fabulously silver and sparkly. This priest on the piano is so gay. For some reason all the loud drunk singing has woken up Regan. She comes downstairs, tells someone the astronaut he's going to die up there, and pees on the floor. WEIRD. Still, though, they were being super-loud. Regan is worried there's something wrong with her, but apparently her "nerve" pills are supposed to take care of it. Regan screams as her bed shakes violently. Also, she calls her mom "Mother." The gay party priest is now drinking with sad, sad Damian and puts him to drunk bed.

Damian has a weird dream and his mom's in it and disappearing into the subway. Now Regan is freaking out and swearing at a doctor who is giving her a shot. Damian is giving a mass, but seems kind of out of it. Some doctor lights up a cigarette and tells Dorothy Hamill-hair Mom that there's a chemical/electric brain thingy happening with Regan. The smoking doctor says Regan is going to be a criminal if they don't remove her supposed brain lesion. Now they'll be doing some tests, I guess? She's seriously sedated. And they're calling her "REE-gan." I would just say it like the douche president. There's some kind of needles in the neck situation happening. I have to look away. Now there are some steampunk-looking machines coming at her head. It's really loud. Old-timey MRI, I guess? No lesions appear. What are these weird cupcake caps the nurses are wearing?*

The nanny calls the doctor because Regan is flopping up and down on the bed. Her eyes roll up and there's something weird in her throat. She gets up and hits a doctor and starts saying "Fuck me." Now she's been slapped by an invisible hand.** I mostly find this amusing. Two three-piece-suited white doctor guys are trying to mansplain to Chris (Mom) that Regan's got split personalities. More drugs, find the lesion. Oh, it was an EEG before. What looks like a dancing robot is examining Regan's body. Chris is wearing some Gypsy (SORRY, ROMA) scarf as the doctors tell her everything came back normal. Apparently they're just now looking for a psychiatrist. Chris comes home to find Regan's window open and it's super-cold. Also, now we've heard that Burke(?) the director-y guy or whatever has thrown himself down some stairs. Regan's not looking good. Cynthia says, "I think her chapped lips are the scariest part of this movie." Regan's been hypnotized and says sometimes "Captain Howdy" (ghost pedophile) lives in her. The psychiatrist wants to talk to him. There's growling and glaring and shit. Regan grabs the psych's dick HARD. Damian is now running laps. A sketchy dude with a newspaper watches him from the bleachers.

Detective Mustache is on the case.

Sketchy dude says people said Damian looks like a boxer. Whatever. Sketchy dude has come to talk to him about the dead director. He starts to ask Fr. Damian about witchcraft. Damian once wrote a paper on witchcraft and psychiatry. Apparently Burke's head had been turned completely around. NICE. Is his death related to the church desecration? Damian says he doesn't think knows any priests who would do such things. There's a man-off about him disclosing medical and/or spiritual info to the cops. I guess this guy is a detective, who is now asking him out on a movie date. The cop says he could have Damian deported (to Greece?). Doctors are saying possession is mostly only seen in "primitive cultures" now. Chris won't institutionalize Regan. Chris is yelling. Again. The doctor suggests maybe they try an exorcism. A "stylized ritual," he calls it that works through a "force of suggestion." Chris says "witch doctor." THAT'S RACIST.

DRINK REFILL BREAK.

Regan, wrapped up in a blanket, gets carried into the house. The detective contemplates the Death Stairs. Chris finds a crucifix under Regan's pillow. Detective finds some weird clay head thing (the artifact from the beginning?). Chris accuses Carl of putting the cross in there. Nobody will admit to putting it there. The detective comes to question Chris. Oh, it's KARL. K-Karl. That's why Burke called him a Nazi. GERMAN. The detective thinks Burke was pushed from Regan's window, which is apparently next to the Death Stairs. Chris offers the cop more coffee, but she clearly doesn't want him to stay. He admires Regan's shitty kid art. He wants her to ask Regan if Burke was in her room the night she died "when she gets better" and also for Chris' autograph.

There is screaming. Regan says no but is stabbing herself in the vagina with the crucifix and saying in her demon voice, "Let Jesus fuck you." She grabs Chris' head and tells her to lick her. Then furniture moves to block the door and Regan's head turns all the way around and asks Chris if she knows what her "cunty daughter" did. Now Chris is meeting up with Damian. They met through the drunk gay priest. She tries to casually bring up how to get an exorcism. Damian claims the church doesn't do them anymore. Her sunglasses are so gigantic. Fr. Damian says church approval takes time and besides, an exorcism could make her worse. Chris is yelling again. And crying on his priest shoulder. He comes to see Regan. Oh, Chris has a nice shiner happening. Apparently the demon is a noisy snorer. Regan's all beat up and tied down and has a nose tube. She talks in the demon voice and wants the straps gone. The devil won't make the straps disappear because it's "too vulgar a display of power." The devil claims Regan and Damian's mom are "in here" with them. Damian wants his mother's maiden name from the devil, but Regan just projectile vomits all over his face.

Ain't being a movie star grand?

Damian tells Chris nobody's an expert on possession. He thinks she should go under psychiatric observation. Chris is yelling at the priest now. Goddamn. Detective Mustache is WATCHING. Damian goes back to Regan. The devil claims an exorcism would bring the priest "together" with "them." The devil voice is super-creepy and mannish. The devil speaks Latin and then French as Damian turns on a tape recorder. He throws holy water on her and the devil claims it burns. There sounds like multiple voices coming out of her. Creepy. Chris and Damian have a drink. SCOTCH. I'm drinking vodka and lemonade, but earlier I had a shot of some cotton candy liqueur that tasted, as Cynthia pinpointed, like a "dryer sheet." Apparently the holy water was just tap water. Chris says Regan killed Burke.

Damian plays the tape for some tape guy, who points out that the devil voice is speaking English, but backwards. He gets called to the MacNeills' house by the nanny lady. It's all cold in Regan's room. Regan's face is all swollen and cut up and shit. The nanny shows Damian that Regan's stomach has raised flesh in the shape of the words "help me." Bad sign, kids. Bad sign. Damian goes to some bishop or something for permission for an exorcism. The bishop wants a "man with experience in foreign missions" because foreigners are into that possession shit. Now there's a priest conference. They're going to call in the archaeologist priest guy. Fr. Indiana Jones shows up at the house and the devil screams. Indy is a tall motherfucker. He sends Damian to get supplies. He says they shouldn't converse with the demon, because he's a liar who will fuck with their heads. He tells Damian not to listen. Damian claims Regan's got three personalities, but Indy insists "There is only one." She's growling and moaning and shit. The room is all cold. I love that they put padding all over her bedframe. Indy's holy water is in a little holy hand grenade-looking thing.

This is gonna be AWESOME.

Regan swears and says vulgar things and moves her head around and rolls her eyes and moans and shit as the ritual starts. "Your mother sucks cocks in hell, Karras." HAHA. Now the bed is shaking and shit. Oh, now it's floating. SWEET. Indy seems unshaken, but Damian is totes freaked out. Regan's tongue is all black and pointy. I love it. I do. Lots of vomiting happening. Gross gross gross. It looks like she's just been drinking bottles of mustard. The demon laughs creepily as Fr. Indiana Jones tries to cast it out. Violent shit happens to stuff in the room and Regan yells swear words and shit. She turns her head all the way around like a fucked up doll/animatronic figure. The devil starts yelling to Damian that he killed his mother. Don't engage, Damian.

Cuz he believes he can fly. GET IT?

Now, her restraints come undone and Regan rises toward the ceiling. The power of Christ is apparently compelling Regan to drop back down to her bed as the priests chant in unison. Damian ties her up again. her eyes are all white now. She smacks Damian as he turns to tie her feet back up. Lots of house-shaking. The priests fall down. Regan stretches in front of that creepy gargoyle from earlier? But things have calmed down for now. 5:00, time to pack it in. Better get some energy drinks for that next session, padres. Damian's all traumatized and shit.

I don't fucking know. I think it's supposed to be scary?

Indy goes to the bathroom to take his anti-shaking pills and Damian ill-advisedly goes back into Regan's room alone. Damian sees his dead mother in her place for a moment. The demon talks to Damian in his mother's voice as he checks Regan's vitals. Apparently her heart's all fucked up. Indy sees Mrs. Karras' voice is messing with Damian's head too much and makes him leave. Have I mentioned Regan's monster/cat eyes? She's got 'em. Like MJ in Thriller or some shit. Chris inquires about the rite's progress and Damian goes back to the ceremony upstairs. Also, Detective Mustache is at the door! Damian finds Indy unresponsive. He bangs his chest with his fists. Even if he did go to med school in the 1950s/60s, you would think they'd teach him better than that. Damian attacks Regan and asks the demon to take him instead. MISTAKE. The demon gets inside of him*** and he jumps out the window and rolls down the stairs. Regan now cries for her mother and, like, everybody else is dead, I guess. Gay drunk priest finds Damian bleeding and tries to take his last confession. Did he take the demon with him to hell or whatever?

THIS ENDED WELL.

Some time later, Chris is moving out. She found some kind of religious medal that I think we've seen before. Gay sad priest is not drunk now, but wants to talk to Chris. Chris claims Regan doesn't remember anything. Chris is a little bit scarred on the face, but looks alive now at least. Regan impulsively kisses the priest on the cheek. Nazi Karl starts to drive them away, but then Chris leaves the medal with the gay priest. I think it was Damian's and was in his dream earlier. DON'T WALK DOWN THOSE STAIRS, FATHER. Good, he turned around.

Some tense/fucked up/creepy parts, but not actually afraid. At all. Maybe I'm just inured to this kind of violence because I'm a jaded millennial or whatever.


*Sorry, can't find any stills or screenshots. Believe me, they are weird hats.
**The marketplace, perhaps?
***It's like this now, basically.