Energy Drink Review: Muscle Monster Energy Shake

Just as stupid an idea as it looks.

We saw these "Muscle Monster" shakes in the store and were like, "WHUT." So of course I had to get one and I'm using it for my strenuous athletic training AKA sitting at a desk and answering the phone for five hours. Chocolate was the least offensive-looking flavor. That's what we got, bitchez. I'm hoping the "coach in a can" it claims to be can help me formulate a plan to write my dissertation proposal or something.

FLAVOR: Oh yeah, that is like a shake. Very thick. Not a very tasty chocolate, but I guess what should I expect from some sort of protein shake nonsense? I'm trying to drink it kind of fast because I suspect it will be less appetizing warm, but it is very thick and hard to drink quickly. Really on the edge of icky by the end.

EFFECTIVENESS: This shit better give me some mental energy because I drank Kraken on a weeknight and then fell asleep on the couch until 5:00 a.m. and anyway my head feels a little fuzzy. About halfway through and I have no idea if I feel anything. You know, besides lean body mass building or whatever. All done, and I'm not sure it really did much for me.

OVERALL: Not recommended, though I'm not ruling out the possibility that it holds benefits for people who are actually exercising.

I drink and live-blog The Blair Witch Project

Because I was a Mormon teenager when it came out in 1999, I never saw The Blair Witch Project. The time has come to watch the first of many scary movies with a faux-documentary/ found footage angle going for it. BTWs, have you seen Troll Hunter? Go watch Troll Hunter, it is awesome. Anyway, I've got a Monster and vodka going here and I'm ready for BWP.

The film is said to have been shot by three students in October 1994 near Burkittsville, MD. The girl one has done lots of witch research. She and her bro go to pick up a guy named Mike. There's a lot of '90s flannel happening. They are filming themselves at the grocery store for some reason. The girl doesn't want this film to be cheesy, but she's got plenty of makeup on. Her name is Heather, apparently. Burkittsville was once named Blair. This Heather chick looks kind of like a young Catherine O'Hara (WHO I LOVE). But apparently in the 1940s, a lot of kids died in the town. They interview an old guy about kids disappearing in 1940. Some lady with a baby says some hunters disappeared by the witch's old cabin. Apparently seven kids were killed in a basement up on a mountain. Two at a time--one facing in the corner while he killed the other. Mary Brown is a crazy old lady who once met the witch. She says the witch had hairy arms and a shawl, but also made many other strange claims. I recognize this Josh guy from somewhere. Go go gadget IMDB!

Finally figured out where I knew him from!

They are now drinking beers in a wood-paneled hotel room. Heather is clearly in charge and is usually holding the camcorder. She's kind of bossy. A man with amazingly giant square sunglasses fishing says Robin Weaver in the late 1800s wandered into the woods for three days, then came back ranting about an old woman whose feet never touched the ground. Heather asks leading questions. I think she didn't pay attention in her ethnographic interviewing class. Now the three of them are hiking up to Coffin Rock/the cabin. They shoot a scene at Coffin Rock. Heather reads from some old-timey book about five men who were tortured and murdered there. She really takes herself seriously. They set up a tent in the rain and camp. Josh claims he heard a cackling noise in the night. They joke about her getting them lost yesterday. She claims to know where they're going.

Mike is getting upset because he believes they're lost. More hiking, some bickering. Eventually they find piles of rocks on the ground and in a tree. Apparently Mary Brown told them about some possibly related Bible story. They joke around about Gilligan's Island. They film the rock/cemetery area again. A pile may have been knocked over in the dark. Uh-oh. Next, something has woken them up in the middle of the night, and they go to investigate. They are surrounded by weird noises. Heather taunts Mike about being afraid. The guys think people were just fucking with them. Heather claims it will take them only two more hours to get out of the woods to the car, but they're going back a different way than they came. They are clearly lost and now it's dark. They have to camp again. They hear something again. Her constant talking is getting kind of old. The woods at night are creepy, there is that. I'm not sure what we're supposed to be hearing. They think it could be deer, maybe. It's echoing. Shit breaking? Footsteps? Tromping around the woods in October was a bad idea, maybe. Not a lot of daylight. Ominous rock piles surround their tent in the morning.

They continue to yell at Heather to put the camera down. Now she can't find the map. They are arguing and wandering in some direction. She keeps asking them if they stole the map from her. Mike admits that he kicked the map into the creek yesterday. Now they're all fighting and swearing a lot. Heather manages to hold the camera while she screams and the guys tussle. Josh insists on holding the compass now. They find a bunch of weird stick sculptures hanging from the trees. They are totes creepy. They kind of look like people effigies. Now Mike is screaming for help. They are camping now and don't want to light a fire because they're afraid of drawing attention to themselves again. They wake up to some creepy talking/laughing noises outside the tent. Now something is banging on the side of the tent. They all run out of the tent and end up huddled somewhere in the dark. Lots of heavy breathing.

It's morning again. Their shit's been all fucked up and they find some weird slime. Josh is rocking multiple layers of flannel and it's his stuff that's been messed up. Mike, who seems more and more unstable, is real mad she keeps filming. Later on, Josh is having feelings off-camera. They're all out of cigarettes, too. FUCK. I feel like they are doing a shit job of getting out of these woods. Uh-oh, they went in a circle. Heather tries to insist it's a different log bridge than earlier and is crying. Can't they just choose a direction and keep walking that way? Are they bad at compasses? Is the witch fucking with the magnetic poles? They're going to have to camp again and set up night watch shifts. Josh taunts Heather about continuing to film and makes her cry more. Now they talk about what food they want while sitting in the tent.

It's daylight again and they are screaming for Josh. He's missing. They talk about heading east instead of south (the way they have been going). Heather's jeans are fabulously ugly and high-waisted. All these nighttime shots where you can only hear, not see anything are pretty creepy. They hear a guy yelling in the dark and think it may be Josh, calling back to him. He's crying for help, I think? I could see how this would be really tense if you were in a movie theater and hadn't known the movie's ending for fifteen years already. This would be a really good situation for some night vision. At morning, some weird bundle of sticks shows up outside the tent. I'd like to believe that this whole situation is like the "curse" on the Pawnee Harvest Festival, and it's just local Native Americans just fucking with white people.  Later, Heather takes apart the bundle and finds a piece of Josh's shirt, covered in blood. There are some pieces of him in there? Gross. His tongue? Brain matter? Inquiring minds want to know. Heather doesn't tell Mike what she found. Maybe they should just stay in one spot and let themselves be found. I mean, it's not like the witch won't be able to find them no matter what they do. Mike tries eating a dry leaf.

Oh, here's the classic shot of Heather holding the camera in her own face at night while she cries and wears a hat and apologizes to everybody's moms for getting them into this situation. Mike and Heather hear what sounds like Josh calling for help. They think it's probably not actually him, but they go anyway, loaded up with cameras. They come upon a house. It's all abandoned and rundown and creepy. They wander through the house, looking for Josh. They hear a yell from upstairs. I'm not sure they should trust the structural integrity of the house up there. There's lots of creepy handprints on the walls upstairs. They follow his voice back downstairs. There's also some weird writing on the walls and some weird bird-screaming or something. Mike drops his camera. Heather follows him into the basement, sees him standing in the corner.

NOT A GOOD SITUATION.

She screams and then drops her camera. THE END.

Pretty good, I'd say. Running through the woods and mysterious noises in the dark are always delightfully creepy. Might've been more freaked out if I hadn't asked my brother, who had ventured to watch an actual RATED R MOVIE, to tell me what happens at the end when it originally came out. Not bad.

Energy Drink Review: HiBall Energy Wild Berry

The drink is as exciting as the can.

I was recently lucky enough to make a stop at the Whole Foods Mothership (AKA the giant Ann Arbor Whole Foods) and I picked up one of these "organic" energy drinks that is actually 16 oz. and carbonated: HiBall. It promises that even the caffeine is organic! We'll see how this goes.

FLAVOR: So "wild berry," eh? It kind of tastes like actual berries. Like not just a sugary concoction based upon a berry-like substance. Hmm. Apparently HiBall used to just make energy waters, but they added a tiny bit of juice and sugar to make these energy drinks. I can kind of tell. The flavor is thinner than most energy drinks. Though several sips in, it's not bad, just very different than I expected. It kind of just tastes like a lightly carbonated grape or apple juice or something. Not gross, not great.

EFFECTIVENESS: Maybe about 6 ounces in, and my legs are shaking a bit more than usual, so that is a positive development. Without a strong flavor, I have trouble accepting that it's working, but we'll see. I'm about done with the drink now, and it's perked me up some, but I'm not really enjoying it.

OVERALL: Perfectly adequate, especially if you're not into chemical flavors, but not worth charting on my energy graph. I'm going to have to consult with a Diet Coke to make the afternoon MSPaint shenanigans I had planned happen.

I drink and live-blog The Exorcist

Haven't seen The Exorcist (1973) ever! I know multiple people who were literally traumatized by this movie as kids, so I guess it's time for me to get freaked out.

There's some Muslim prayer stuff happening and it's the desert and there's archaeologists finding shit. Old, in-charge White Guy finds some kind of small dragon head or something. Exotic tea shop. White guy takes drugs to stop shaking. The white guy is not doing so well and there are Muslims praying and also guys working in a dark alley and I have no idea what is going on or if I should be caring at this point. Now he's walking up some desert hill. Where the fuck is the little girl. Oh, there's a statue of a creepy gargoyle thing with a snake dick and there's some dogs fighting. And the sun is red and setting.

Thank god, we're finally in Georgetown. A lady with a terrible haircut and ridiculous silk '70s PJs is writing in a script or something. She hears noises possibly from her attic? Her daughter is sleeping peacefully in her own room FOR NOW. Shitty hair lady tells some dude in her kitchen there's animals in the attic or something. Apparently she's an actress on the set of a movie called Crash Course. She's a sassy lady in a a protest scene. She takes the megaphone and there's some priest checking out the shoot on campus. Her character sounds like a real square. OMG her pants are so high-waisted now, hipsters would love that shit. It is fall because FALLING LEAVES. Walking home, Hair Lady sees the priest talking to another priest. She comes home and finds another lady typing on a hipster typewriter. Apparently Hair's been invited to a White House dinner? Her daughter is now ranting about a pretty horse she got to ride. SHE WANTS A HORSE. Horse girl. Her name is Regan, and she's, like, twelve or something.

Isaac's dream of Oscar the Grouch Schindler: I MADE IT COME TRUE.

The priest ignores some homeless guy in the subway who claims to be Catholic. What, does he have my job now? He's now in a sketchy neighborhood with lots of garbage cans and "ethnic"-looking children. Isaac called it a grouch neighborhood--Oscars and shit in all those cans. Also, he just suggested there should be a Muppets remake of Schindler's List with Oscar the Grouch as Oskar Schindler. Apparently the priest's mom lives in this neighborhood. She's got some kind of leg injury she's doing a shitty job taking care of. She is foreign and refuses to live in a nursing home or whatever.

But Captain of WHAT?

Regan and her mom are fucking with a Ouija board in the basement. "Captain Howdy" is apparently her ghost friend who comes at night and answers her questions. Mom thinks it's a hilarious game. Regan could be, like 14 or something, but seems to like her mom a lot for being that old. Maybe because she's a movie star. Something about Mom's got a boyfriend but they miss her dead dad or something. No matter how old she's supposed to be, she's too old to be tucked in like that. The priest is getting beers at the bar with some other priest. He's worried about his mom. He wants out of his current assignment. The other priest's older--maybe his boss? The priest may have lost his faith. Oh, the dad's not dead, he is just absent and won't call Regan on her birthday. Regan claims her bed was shaking so had to get into her mom's bed, which has mustard yellow sheets. More skittering/scuttling noises form the attic. Mom goes to investigate. Carl the super/landlord/butler or whatever accidentally startles her and they both agree that there are no rats up there.

"Oh, I'm a priest with flowers." That's my impression of this old guy with glasses. Is this Tom, the older guy priest? Too many white guys in priest shirts. Uh-oh, somebody's defaced the Virgin Mary with bloody boobs and some kind of claw/penis coming out of her stomach. Now we're in the psych ward. The LADY psych ward. Apparently our priest friend's mom is there or something. Is she speaking Italian? Now our Father is punching a punching bag. Now there's a movie industry party or something. Regan is working the room. What is she, baby Drew Barrymore? Somebody just got called a Nazi bastard by the movie director. Why are there so many priests at this party? Damian, he's the "psychiatric counselor" priest. They found his mother dead after a few days, I guess, so apparently some time has passed since the psych ward incident. There's a Nazi fight in the kitchen. Regan goes to bed. Mom's dress is so fabulously silver and sparkly. This priest on the piano is so gay. For some reason all the loud drunk singing has woken up Regan. She comes downstairs, tells someone the astronaut he's going to die up there, and pees on the floor. WEIRD. Still, though, they were being super-loud. Regan is worried there's something wrong with her, but apparently her "nerve" pills are supposed to take care of it. Regan screams as her bed shakes violently. Also, she calls her mom "Mother." The gay party priest is now drinking with sad, sad Damian and puts him to drunk bed.

Damian has a weird dream and his mom's in it and disappearing into the subway. Now Regan is freaking out and swearing at a doctor who is giving her a shot. Damian is giving a mass, but seems kind of out of it. Some doctor lights up a cigarette and tells Dorothy Hamill-hair Mom that there's a chemical/electric brain thingy happening with Regan. The smoking doctor says Regan is going to be a criminal if they don't remove her supposed brain lesion. Now they'll be doing some tests, I guess? She's seriously sedated. And they're calling her "REE-gan." I would just say it like the douche president. There's some kind of needles in the neck situation happening. I have to look away. Now there are some steampunk-looking machines coming at her head. It's really loud. Old-timey MRI, I guess? No lesions appear. What are these weird cupcake caps the nurses are wearing?*

The nanny calls the doctor because Regan is flopping up and down on the bed. Her eyes roll up and there's something weird in her throat. She gets up and hits a doctor and starts saying "Fuck me." Now she's been slapped by an invisible hand.** I mostly find this amusing. Two three-piece-suited white doctor guys are trying to mansplain to Chris (Mom) that Regan's got split personalities. More drugs, find the lesion. Oh, it was an EEG before. What looks like a dancing robot is examining Regan's body. Chris is wearing some Gypsy (SORRY, ROMA) scarf as the doctors tell her everything came back normal. Apparently they're just now looking for a psychiatrist. Chris comes home to find Regan's window open and it's super-cold. Also, now we've heard that Burke(?) the director-y guy or whatever has thrown himself down some stairs. Regan's not looking good. Cynthia says, "I think her chapped lips are the scariest part of this movie." Regan's been hypnotized and says sometimes "Captain Howdy" (ghost pedophile) lives in her. The psychiatrist wants to talk to him. There's growling and glaring and shit. Regan grabs the psych's dick HARD. Damian is now running laps. A sketchy dude with a newspaper watches him from the bleachers.

Detective Mustache is on the case.

Sketchy dude says people said Damian looks like a boxer. Whatever. Sketchy dude has come to talk to him about the dead director. He starts to ask Fr. Damian about witchcraft. Damian once wrote a paper on witchcraft and psychiatry. Apparently Burke's head had been turned completely around. NICE. Is his death related to the church desecration? Damian says he doesn't think knows any priests who would do such things. There's a man-off about him disclosing medical and/or spiritual info to the cops. I guess this guy is a detective, who is now asking him out on a movie date. The cop says he could have Damian deported (to Greece?). Doctors are saying possession is mostly only seen in "primitive cultures" now. Chris won't institutionalize Regan. Chris is yelling. Again. The doctor suggests maybe they try an exorcism. A "stylized ritual," he calls it that works through a "force of suggestion." Chris says "witch doctor." THAT'S RACIST.

DRINK REFILL BREAK.

Regan, wrapped up in a blanket, gets carried into the house. The detective contemplates the Death Stairs. Chris finds a crucifix under Regan's pillow. Detective finds some weird clay head thing (the artifact from the beginning?). Chris accuses Carl of putting the cross in there. Nobody will admit to putting it there. The detective comes to question Chris. Oh, it's KARL. K-Karl. That's why Burke called him a Nazi. GERMAN. The detective thinks Burke was pushed from Regan's window, which is apparently next to the Death Stairs. Chris offers the cop more coffee, but she clearly doesn't want him to stay. He admires Regan's shitty kid art. He wants her to ask Regan if Burke was in her room the night she died "when she gets better" and also for Chris' autograph.

There is screaming. Regan says no but is stabbing herself in the vagina with the crucifix and saying in her demon voice, "Let Jesus fuck you." She grabs Chris' head and tells her to lick her. Then furniture moves to block the door and Regan's head turns all the way around and asks Chris if she knows what her "cunty daughter" did. Now Chris is meeting up with Damian. They met through the drunk gay priest. She tries to casually bring up how to get an exorcism. Damian claims the church doesn't do them anymore. Her sunglasses are so gigantic. Fr. Damian says church approval takes time and besides, an exorcism could make her worse. Chris is yelling again. And crying on his priest shoulder. He comes to see Regan. Oh, Chris has a nice shiner happening. Apparently the demon is a noisy snorer. Regan's all beat up and tied down and has a nose tube. She talks in the demon voice and wants the straps gone. The devil won't make the straps disappear because it's "too vulgar a display of power." The devil claims Regan and Damian's mom are "in here" with them. Damian wants his mother's maiden name from the devil, but Regan just projectile vomits all over his face.

Ain't being a movie star grand?

Damian tells Chris nobody's an expert on possession. He thinks she should go under psychiatric observation. Chris is yelling at the priest now. Goddamn. Detective Mustache is WATCHING. Damian goes back to Regan. The devil claims an exorcism would bring the priest "together" with "them." The devil voice is super-creepy and mannish. The devil speaks Latin and then French as Damian turns on a tape recorder. He throws holy water on her and the devil claims it burns. There sounds like multiple voices coming out of her. Creepy. Chris and Damian have a drink. SCOTCH. I'm drinking vodka and lemonade, but earlier I had a shot of some cotton candy liqueur that tasted, as Cynthia pinpointed, like a "dryer sheet." Apparently the holy water was just tap water. Chris says Regan killed Burke.

Damian plays the tape for some tape guy, who points out that the devil voice is speaking English, but backwards. He gets called to the MacNeills' house by the nanny lady. It's all cold in Regan's room. Regan's face is all swollen and cut up and shit. The nanny shows Damian that Regan's stomach has raised flesh in the shape of the words "help me." Bad sign, kids. Bad sign. Damian goes to some bishop or something for permission for an exorcism. The bishop wants a "man with experience in foreign missions" because foreigners are into that possession shit. Now there's a priest conference. They're going to call in the archaeologist priest guy. Fr. Indiana Jones shows up at the house and the devil screams. Indy is a tall motherfucker. He sends Damian to get supplies. He says they shouldn't converse with the demon, because he's a liar who will fuck with their heads. He tells Damian not to listen. Damian claims Regan's got three personalities, but Indy insists "There is only one." She's growling and moaning and shit. The room is all cold. I love that they put padding all over her bedframe. Indy's holy water is in a little holy hand grenade-looking thing.

This is gonna be AWESOME.

Regan swears and says vulgar things and moves her head around and rolls her eyes and moans and shit as the ritual starts. "Your mother sucks cocks in hell, Karras." HAHA. Now the bed is shaking and shit. Oh, now it's floating. SWEET. Indy seems unshaken, but Damian is totes freaked out. Regan's tongue is all black and pointy. I love it. I do. Lots of vomiting happening. Gross gross gross. It looks like she's just been drinking bottles of mustard. The demon laughs creepily as Fr. Indiana Jones tries to cast it out. Violent shit happens to stuff in the room and Regan yells swear words and shit. She turns her head all the way around like a fucked up doll/animatronic figure. The devil starts yelling to Damian that he killed his mother. Don't engage, Damian.

Cuz he believes he can fly. GET IT?

Now, her restraints come undone and Regan rises toward the ceiling. The power of Christ is apparently compelling Regan to drop back down to her bed as the priests chant in unison. Damian ties her up again. her eyes are all white now. She smacks Damian as he turns to tie her feet back up. Lots of house-shaking. The priests fall down. Regan stretches in front of that creepy gargoyle from earlier? But things have calmed down for now. 5:00, time to pack it in. Better get some energy drinks for that next session, padres. Damian's all traumatized and shit.

I don't fucking know. I think it's supposed to be scary?

Indy goes to the bathroom to take his anti-shaking pills and Damian ill-advisedly goes back into Regan's room alone. Damian sees his dead mother in her place for a moment. The demon talks to Damian in his mother's voice as he checks Regan's vitals. Apparently her heart's all fucked up. Indy sees Mrs. Karras' voice is messing with Damian's head too much and makes him leave. Have I mentioned Regan's monster/cat eyes? She's got 'em. Like MJ in Thriller or some shit. Chris inquires about the rite's progress and Damian goes back to the ceremony upstairs. Also, Detective Mustache is at the door! Damian finds Indy unresponsive. He bangs his chest with his fists. Even if he did go to med school in the 1950s/60s, you would think they'd teach him better than that. Damian attacks Regan and asks the demon to take him instead. MISTAKE. The demon gets inside of him*** and he jumps out the window and rolls down the stairs. Regan now cries for her mother and, like, everybody else is dead, I guess. Gay drunk priest finds Damian bleeding and tries to take his last confession. Did he take the demon with him to hell or whatever?

THIS ENDED WELL.

Some time later, Chris is moving out. She found some kind of religious medal that I think we've seen before. Gay sad priest is not drunk now, but wants to talk to Chris. Chris claims Regan doesn't remember anything. Chris is a little bit scarred on the face, but looks alive now at least. Regan impulsively kisses the priest on the cheek. Nazi Karl starts to drive them away, but then Chris leaves the medal with the gay priest. I think it was Damian's and was in his dream earlier. DON'T WALK DOWN THOSE STAIRS, FATHER. Good, he turned around.

Some tense/fucked up/creepy parts, but not actually afraid. At all. Maybe I'm just inured to this kind of violence because I'm a jaded millennial or whatever.


*Sorry, can't find any stills or screenshots. Believe me, they are weird hats.
**The marketplace, perhaps?
***It's like this now, basically.

Energy Drink Review: Monster DUB Baller's Blend

The Beard picked me up another energy drink because he knows I get wacky when my taurine levels drop too low. It's the Monster DUB Edition "Baller's Blend." I'm feelin' pretty baller already, just holding the can. As I've previously researched, DUB is some kind of custom car magazine nonsense that has partnered with Monster and blahblahblah. The can calls this Monster's "latest collabo with DUB," so we can go ahead and just die now because everything is terrible. It's a fancy energy fruit punch, basically.

FLAVOR: It's fruit punch-y! That's really all there is to say. If you like fruit punch, you will like this drink. My take on fruit punch is that it is a perfectly adequate flavor.

EFFECTIVENESS: It's working some, but right now I'm feeling mostly ambivalent about life and annoyed I can't watch Daily Show clips about the George Zimmerman verdict because somebody's waiting in my lobby. Maybe it will really give me a kick and I'll feel motivated to write something else or apply for some jobs or something. Oh wait, oh wait, I think it's working! Roughly 70% of the way through the can and I am prepping for my NEW PATRIOTIC WRITING PROJECT I've been contemplating for awhile. My legs are shaking a bit and I am feeling only vaguely irate that the people in my lobby are laughing and talking loudly about their children. I still feel ambivalent about living in a world with the George Zimmerman verdict, but I'm not sure what kind of serious substances I would need to erase that feeling.

OVERALL: Pretty good. Same efficacy as just about any other Monster drink (see chart on this post, I am too lazy to edit it). Recommended if you are into fruit punch.

I finally watch "The Shining" and drink and blog it

I know: shame, shame, I've never actually watched The Shining (1980), but I've got the basic gist of it. Now it's time! I've got some booze and an Isaac. Let's do this thing. SORRY, ANOTHER SUPER-LONG MOVIE.

Mountains and yellow slug bug. Not a fan of Jack Nicholson, so this should be fun. I generally like Stephen King stuff, but haven't watched or read a ton of it. There's the giant ski lodge that I've seen ghost-investigated on TV shows. Shelley Duvall is so weird looking! We just saw her in Three Women, which was also weird. Tony is the little boy's finger friend. Creepy. Jack Nicholson/Jack is a writer and teacher interviewing in an ugly peach-orange office. This lodge closes in the winter because the road gets snowed in all season. "The winters can be fantastically cruel," says the guy with the awesome wide and textured tie. J.Nichs is so young here. "Solitude and isolation can itself become a problem." FORESHADOWING? No big deal, but some other dude taking care of the lodge during the winter killed his whole family with an axe. Just a touch of cabin fever. Jack's eyebrows are disturbing.

Shelley Duvall is wearing an amazing '70s jumper and her hair is stringy as always. Little Danny and Tony are having an argument. Blood surges out of the elevator and there are creepy twins. Apparently this is Danny's vision? I've read enough about this movie to know that this psychic gift is the so-called "shining." He wakes up with some doctor. She asks to see Tony, who apparently has hidden in his stomach. Danny doesn't want to talk about Tony, OKAY, lady? OMG Shelley's red tights with boots make this outfit even more amazingly awful. This doctor lady claims "episodes" like "self-induced trance[s]" are totes normz for kids. Apparently Danny and Tony have been hanging out since he started nursery school, which Danny was not into. Shelley really needs to tap the ash on her cigarette and is relating the story about how Jack came home drunk and dislocated Danny's shoulder. NO BIG DEAL. Supposedly Jack no longer drinks, sober for five months.

The family drives up to the lodge and apparently they don't make Danny wear a seat belt. Jack does not seem to like kids. Donner Party reference. FORESHADOWING? Jack is really into explaining it to his kid, who knows about cannibalism from TV. Ominous clouds/fog in the mountains. I think the Torrance family is going to have a great winter, you guys! Indian designs in the decor--I hope they're not BURIAL ART. Danny sees the creepy twins in matching blue dresses and knee socks. They are holding hands like no real sisters would. Well, not me and my sister, anyway. The caretaker's apartment is all pink and creepy. There's a hedge maze, 13 feet high. I'm sure nothing eerie will/has ever happen(ed) there. INDIAN BURIAL GROUND. Knew it. There's some kind of snow tank that supposedly drives just like a car. Pink and gold are Shelley's favorite colors. EW. No booze on the premises all winter. WHAT A NIGHTMARE.

Dick, the chef guy is black and friendly. He shows Shelley/Wendy the kitchen because it's a WOMAN'S PLACE. Dick shows them the huge walk-in freezer which is full of meat, even though they're going into the off-season. I know it's frozen, but it seems kind of wasteful. Dick somehow magically knows Danny's nickname is "Doc" because black people. Apparently Dick and Danny can communicate telepathically. Dick's grandma called it "shining." They are bonding, but Tony doesn't want Danny to talk about it. Tony sounds more and more sinister, as he is clearly a creepy ghost and also Dick says some bad things have happened and left their marks on the hotel. STAY OUT OF ROOM 237. I'm not going to lie, it seems like Danny's a bit old to be riding a little three-wheeler. Jack's a sarcastic dick whose wife brings him breakfast in bed for some reason. Jack throws a tennis ball violently against the wall like he's fucking Toby or something. Wendy and Danny wander into the hedge maze with a Polaroid camera. LIKE YOU DO. DRINK REFILL TIME.

Now Wendy is dumping out an industrial-sized can of fruit salad. I used to open big cans like that of pineapple at my pizza job. The trick was to poke a couple of holes and let it drain first, though. TRUE STORY. YOU'RE WELCOME. Danny wheels past room 237 and is intrigued. Tragically locked. Vision of the twin girls. Get that kid a fucking bike, he's too old for that nonsense. I think he's supposed to be, like, five, but he looks, like, seven to me. I could ride a two-wheeler at four. Wendy is so obnoxiously upbeat, but Jack's a cranky dick who doesn't want to be interrupted. Why are these two married? OH, NOW HE'S MANSPLAINING. Don't come into his working manspace EVER. What a fucking asshole. I'd like it if a Native American ghost axed him to death.

Snow. Jack, not looking good these days. Title screens tell us what day of the week it is, but it's unclear how many weeks have passed. OMG WAIT, Wendy's wearing some faux-Indian/Southwestern jacket thing that is terrible. The phones are out, so she uses the radio to call a ranger station from the Overlook Hotel. No phones until spring, probz. The ranger's got pretty sweet hair. Gee whiz, Wendy's got fake moccasin things on her feet and is going to leave the radio on from now on since they have no phones. Fucking Danny wheels around and around the hallways. He runs into the twins again. "Hello, Danny. Come and play with us." They might be British? "Forever and ever." Unison is always creepy.They were totes axe-murdered in his bloody vision. SHINETY SHINE SHINE. Danny turns to Tony for comfort.

That fucking carpet. The '70s, man.

Apparently the phone lines are down, but they get at least one TV station. Apparently they have to LITRALLY tiptoe around fucking Jack while he's asleep. Danny is wearing a sweet Mickey Mouse football sweater. Jack is awake, though, and awkwardly picks his son up. Danny looks super uncomfortable on Jack's lap and asks if his dad feels bad. He's noticed Jack hasn't been sleeping. Jack says he wants to stay in the hotel FOREVER AND EVER. Danny asks if Jack would ever hurt them. AWKWARD. When he says he loves his son and would never hurt him, he sounds so fucking creepily sarcastic. As per usual. God that carpet is hideous. Danny is now wearing an awesome Apollo rocket sweater! Isaac is totes jelly of the kid's fashion. Uh-oh, room 237 is open with the key in the door. Wendy is checking the heaters and shit because she does all the real work in this family. She hears a scream. It's Jack nightmaring at his desk. He dreamt that he hacked up his family. Danny shows up, all beat up and sucking his thumb. OMINOUS. Wendy thinks strung-out Jack did it to Danny. Things are going great. Only, like, four more months isolated up here!

Jack wanders up to the empty bar. He talks to a bartender who I'm pretty sure is not actually there. LLOYD. Lloyd looks like a vampire. Jack says some shit about "white man's bourbon." Jack Daniels is gross. Jack (Torrance) is now pissed that his wife thought he abused his son (again). Wendy runs in and says that there's a woman in the hotel who tried to strangle Danny. In Miami, Dick lounges in his orange room with pictures of amazingly afro-ed naked women. Supposedly the news in Florida covers the weather in remote Colorado. Dick has a vision of room 237, which has sweet mint green walls and fixtures in the bathroom. But I guess now Jack is up in there, looking for the strangler. A naked lady is in the tub. Jack is into it. She's real skinny, but at least she's got pubic hair, I guess. They're going to get it on now, I guess? Because I love making out with possible ghost chicks who like to strangle kids. He sees in the mirror that the back of her body is unattractive and rotting. Now she's old and gross! Danny's having a nightmare/seizure right now, too. Jack escapes the room because ew, old ladies.

Jack tells Wendy he didn't find anything in the room. LIES! Isaac just called the ghost a "moldy oldie." HA! Jack tries to convince his wife that Danny bruised up his own neck. Is he really in denial, or just a lying bastard on top of being lots of other kinds of bastard? Danny sees "redrum" written on the wall as his parents discuss getting him out of the hotel. Jack accuses Wendy of "creating a problem." WTF he is terrible. He does not respect the hotel's property, either. Jack finds evidence of a party elsewhere in the hotel. Dick keeps trying to call the hotel, but he can't get through. He wants the ranger to radio up there to see if the family is okay.

This is totally really happening, right?

Jack is now walking into a full-on 1920s party with flapper ladies and shit in the Gold Room with Lloyd at the bar. Lloyd won't let him pay. A waiter spills all over him and they go to the bathroom to clean up. The men's room is SO RED. The waiter is not "Jeevesy," he's named Grady. Grady's the name of the axe murderer guy! He's also BRITISH, just like the dead twins. Jack knows who he is. Grady claims he doesn't remember murdering his family. He tells Jack, "You are [now] the caretaker. You've always been the caretaker." Sure, okay. Grady tells him Danny's trying to bring someone in from the outside. Who? RACIAL SLUR TIME. Danny's trying to subvert his dad's patriarchal authority. He's WILLFUL and NAUGHTY. Probably a good time to punish him. Jack looks aroused as he explains that Wendy "interferes" in Danny's discipline. Grady gives him some really good parenting advice. "Corrected" his wife and daughters, he did.

Tony starts yelling, "Redrum! Redrum!" (Which is murder backwards, duh.) Wendy in her overall dress thing finds that Danny's gone, it's just Tony. Tony is very polite and calls her Mrs. Torrance, though. Jack hears the check-up radio call from the ranger station. This is a real good development for everyone, I'm sure. Jack just up and takes the radio apart. Dick Halloran is still CONCERNED. Dick, in a sweet orange dress shirt, stripy tie, and olive green corduroy suit is on his way to Colorado on uh airplane now. Jack types and types. I'm sure it's really, good, what he's writing now. Not insane ramblings or anything. Oh, another black guy! He and Dick know each other, of course. The other black guy, who is in all the Rocky movies, apparently, will lend him a snowmobile tank thingy to get up to the hotel. I like glaring Tony Danny. Wendy, don't go talk to "Daddy." BAD IDEA. Tony is watching the Road Runner do shit on TV, which is still working, I guess? I mean, they've got electricity, but who'd think they'd be getting television reception in a snowstorm in the mountains in 1980? I would not think that they would.

Well, this happened.

Wendy wanders off to find Jack while carrying a baseball bat (wooden, not aluminum, clearly a mistake). She sees that he's just typed "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" on the typewriter over and over again. That's a good sign. He's also typed many, many pages of it, in paragraph form. Sometimes in block quotes! Poem form! So many formats! She just keeps paging through the pile for some reason. Jack wants to know how she "like[s] it." He chides her for being in his workspace. Same old sarcastic douche. She's scared. Finally. Tony knows what's up and keeps seeing bloody visions. I bet the role of Jack was super-fun. Menacing/sarcastic/happy/angry. YES. She keeps backing up, clutching the baseball bat as he walks towards her. Apparently he can't comprehend that she might need to leave with Danny and leave him there to fulfill the contract with the hotel. Jack play-grabs at her and calls her "darling." NICE. He says he's going to bash her brains in. He playfully sticks his tongue out and asks for the bat. She hits him a little bit and he falls down the stairs.

Jack wakes up as Wendy drags him to the walk-in freezer. She can't get it open because she's stupid, apparently. Oh, just the storage room. Too bad. She locks him in there right as he figures out what's going on. Now, run far away with that knife you just grabbed. Get your kid and sled down the hill. Better to die in the snow than chopped up by your husband, I say. He begs to be let out. Nobody who's ever said, "Open the door!" should have the door opened to them. He pretends to be hurt/sad. Run away, Wendy! She's crying and telling him her escape plan. Apparently Jack's already fucked up the Snowcat in addition to the radio. PEE BREAK/DRINK REFILL.

Lots of high-pitched peaks in this soundtrack. That big chef's knife's not going to put those spark plugs back into that snow tank thingy, Wendz. Just sled. SRLSY RUN WAY. Sled down the hill, mofucker. Butler Grady comes to visit Jack in the storage room. Grady emasculates him by pointing out he didn't "take care of that business we discussed." Jack wants one more chance to murder his fam. Are there really, like 25 minutes still left in this movie? Grady is letting him out. Dick Halloran approaches the hotel in his snowmotank thing. He's ballin pretty hard. Tony, wearing another sweet sweater chants "Redrum" and plays with Wendy's knife. How is she sleeping? He writes "redrum/murder" on the door and is maybe back to being Danny. Jack is at the apartment door, breaking it with an axe. Wendy runs into the bathroom with Danny and lets him slide down the snow bank out the window. "Wendy, I'm home," Jack announces. In some bizarre turn of events, Wendy is "too big" to get out the tiny window. She tells Danny to run. Jack is pretending to be the Big Bad Wolf now. AWESOME.

Nobody here is working up to their maximum havoc/escape potential.

As Isaac pointed out to me, it's stupid he's just chopping the door, not the lock. What a waste of energy. Here's, "Here's JOHNNY." Wendy slices his hand a bit. NOT ENOUGH. Halloran approaches the hotel. Will it be soon enough? Everybody hears the vehicle arriving. Jack wanders off. Danny is now hiding in a kitchen cabinet in a twist of Jurassic Park-iness. Dick finds the hotel door ajar. Jack is limping, Isaac says from the stairs probz. FORGOT ABOUT THAT. Was that still today? This is a long movie. Jack chops Dick in the chest and Danny screams because he can see it with HIS MIND'S EYE. Danny tries to run away now. Wendy's still wandering around with that fucking knife. Now there's creepy chanting? And a furry with a bare ass is giving a man in a tux a blow job? WHAT. Okay, let's wrap this thing up, people. Jack turns on all the exterior lights to find his son hiding outside. Just try and catch him now, gimpy. Danny, of course, runs through the snow to the hedge maze. PERFECT. Uh-oh, snow = footprints. Wendy is uselessly running around, as usual. She finds Dick's body in the entryway. Now she sees a bloody tuxedoed man. Apparently his furry BJ is over.

Slow snow chase through the maze. Wendy finds a bunch of skeletons and spider webs around a corner. Ew. Danny figures out he should step back through his own footsteps/remove evidence of his path. Now Wendy is by the bloody elevators. Splash! I expect the Kool-Aid Man to burst through any second. How does he feel about murder? "OH, YEAH."

This is happening. Just accept it.

More maze chasing/scariness. Isaac says (of Danny), "That's where all the Big Wheel cardio comes in handy." HA! Danny emerges from the maze to his mother. Stop fucking hugging and get in the snowtank thing and drive away! Jack yells incoherently from the maze. He's still got his axe, so you can't see he isn't focused on the task at hand. I think he's yelling "Wendy" sort of. The Snowcat drives away. He freezes to death with his eyes open in the snow and it's hilarious.

Hilarz.

Some creepiness, some serious suspense, but not scared. Also, now Jack's in some 1921 picture on the hotel wall. HE'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE, JUST LIKE GRADY. Another movie down, kids. Up next: The Exorcist. 

Energy Drink Review: Rockstar does energy water now, apparently

You're feeling refreshed already, aren't you?

My favorite enabler picked me up a new Rockstar Energy Water--blueberry pomegranate acai (with other natural flavors). I'm sure it will taste just like all three and other natural flavors. Not sure why Rockstar's doing waters now, but why not, I guess? There isn't even any sweet ad copy on the bottle (which looks basically like a Vitamin Water*) to explain. Let's see if this shit is as good as a regular Rockstar.

FLAVOR: It tastes like some berry/fruit water stuff, not like an energy drink at all. Pretty tasty, I'd say. Possibly a good option for people who don't drink soda but want the benefits of massively caffeinated fruity beverages. It is also sugar-free, FYI, but we all know I like fake sweeteners the most. Much less abrasive than most energy drinks.

EFFECTIVENESS: The bottle is 20 oz. and claims to contain 2.5 servings. That is ridiculous. Who drinks only 8 oz. of their fancy water and then puts it in the fridge for later? This is a legit question, I don't drink a lot of fancy waters. Is that what people do with them? I suppose I've had about one serving size so far, and I'm feeling perkier. I did get, like, over nine hours of sleep last night, but that's never stopped me from being tired before! I sipped on it for most of the afternoon, with positive results. All 2.5 servings! Definitely feeling up.

Mid-range on the Lauren Energy Scale, about the same as any other Rockstar:

Overall, RECOMMENDED. A good alternative caffeine source for people who care about their teeth.


*GUYS, we are watching season one of Homeland and not only is Damian Lewis super-hot, but his character was a POW for eight years and he didn't know what Vitamin Water was when his wife put it on the grocery list. It was adorable. In an al-Qaeda kind of way, obvs.

I've never seen "Rosemary's Baby": Here's a live-ish-blog thingy

Roman Polanski is a terrible gross rapist. I did like The Pianist because Adrien Brody. I do not support rapists. That is all.

So Rosemary's American uterus-havers and Guy is, like, Rick Perry or John Kasich, and the coven is the Republicans and Satan is, I guess, the Patriarchy. THE END.

New York, 1965 (movie 1968): There is a black man operating the elevator. Mia Farrow is SO young. Always super-skinny, though. Some old coma lady died and her apartment's full of plants and weird writing. The landlord is perturbed that a giant dresser is blocking a closet. SURELY THIS BODES REAL GOOD. Inside is a vacuum cleaner and some linens. Mia Farrow is so pretty and talks funny, like a movie star from the '40s. She's from California, according to Our Lord IMDB, so there's no regional excuse.

Skinny, skinny Mia and her husband in blue have moved into the dead lady's apartment, but all her creepy stuff is gone. She just suggested they "make love." I hate her. Also, they had to turn out the lights so they could bang on the floor. This is a really, really unsexy sex scene. Isaac just said, "This seems like an awfully nice apartment for a TV actor." And then I asked what Mia Farrow does, HAHA LADIES DON'T HAVE JOBS. She is good at putting up shelves with plaid contact paper in the haunted closet, however. Mia meets a new friend with a hideous '60s blouse in the "creepy" basement. The ex-prostitute has some sort of special smelly amulet the dead lady (or the lady she's living with?) gave her.

Mia is wearing a hideous robe thingy and their neighbors are making creepy chanting noises. Out on the street, Mia and Guy (her husband) come upon a dead lady, who is the ex-prostitute lady. The blood is fakey fakey red paint blood. Her benefactors in the apartment building are so dapper and amazing and the lady (MAUDE)'s wearing so much lipstick and in denial that that ex-slut jumped out the window. Rosemary has a dream about nuns and Catholic school girls and bricking up windows. Maude comes over looking amazing. Her bracelets are so dangly and jangly. She keeps touching and looking at all their shit and has curlers in her hair. She wants Rosemary and Guy to come over for dinner. What the fuck does Rosemary do all day?

I just poured another drink (half glass gin/half glass lemonade). Rosemary acts like a 12 year-old. The fucking white collar/floral dress situation isn't helping. Old man Roman Castevet has "been everywhere." Maude's dress is terrible/amazing. "No pope ever visits a city where the newspapers are on strike," Roman says. I don't know why he's saying this. Rosemary gets to reveal her Omaha Catholic upbringing now. CATHOLICKKXS. The ladies chat while washing dishes. There's an uncomfortable amount of talk about Rosemary's fertility. Guy's going to be bros with Roman now. Rosemary thinks they took pictures off the walls for them. SUSPISH. Maude/Minnie barges into Rosemary's place with a friend and starts knitting. This drink is REAL gin-y. Uh-oh Minnie just gave Rosemary the dead girl's smelly necklace. It's full of tannis root, which I googled and apparently only exists in this book/movie.  That's some ugly deep-pile carpet. Guy got a role in a play because the first choice actor suddenly went blind. OBVIOUSLY.

Rosemary thinks Guy's all "preoccupied" because he's an actor. He got her like nine dozen roses and announced, "Let's have a baby. Let's have three babies, one at a time." Rosemary's got nothing else to do, so why not? Isaac just called the romantic jazz they're listening to "proto-Kenny G." Minnie came over again. AWKWARD. Booze drippin' on my leg. Minnie's chocolate mousse has a "chalky undertaste." It's demon poison. Guy gives Rosemary shit for not liking it, and she dumps it in her napkin like a kid. She's clearly been drugged, she's all dizzy and shit even though she hardly ate any of it. So she is kind of insisting that they "try to make a baby," even though she's way too drugged up to consent properly. And Guy is undressing her and she's having crazy dreams while he is (presumably) fucking her unconscious body. Now there's some weird naked cult chanting. Guy is worried she's awake and there's blood all over her body and the devil is fucking her now, I guess? This is going to be a terrible hangover. BTWS, from now on, if I've got a nasty hangover, I'll say, "The Devil really raped me last night."*

Rosemary's all scratched up and her husband says he'll file his nails down and said he "didn't want to miss baby night." RAPEY RAPEY RAPE RAPE. Guy can't look Rosemary in the eye anymore. Guy is monitoring her period. Ew. So she's pregnant. Apparently the devil's sperm works real fast. Guy runs immediately to tell the neighbors. AWKWARD. They are way too happy. Minnie's making her an appointment with some doctor. Rosemary's cheersing with a glass of wine. Definitely frowned upon nowadays. This Dr. Sapirstein says, "Don't read books or talk to people and also take Minnie's herbs." Rosemary chops her hair and has stomach pains, which Sapirstein dismisses. Her pixie cut is so cute. Guy is a dick about it. VIDAL SASSOON. Rosemary is losing weight and in pain. Totes normz preggz. Roman barges in, basically to meet their old friend. Roman's got (suspiciously?) pierced ears. Rosemary looks so gaunt and terrible.

Guy sits roughly 8 inches from the TV screen while Rosemary convalesces in their yellow, yellow bedroom. The old friend, Hutch, wants to talk to Rosemary. She is in a lot of pain, I do not believe this is normal. Rosemary finds out Hutch is suddenly in a coma. Minnie blows a whistle for a taxi. Rosemary is in so much pain, not normzz. Rosemary eats all the meat. God, she's so thin. Rosemary's throwing a party for all their non-old people friends. She's trying to keep Minnie out of it. The party looks fun and very sixties. God, I can see her whole ribcage through the back of her dress. Her lady friends are like, "Constant pain is not normal." Guy is calling her ladyfriends bitches a bunch. Guy is being a dick about her getting a second opinion. But the pain is suddenly gone and she feels kicking. I think it's too early for that?

God I hate babydoll dresses. Though now that she's pregnant, there's an excuse to wear them. Apparently the rest of the pregnancy is totes normzz. Guy is so lame. Isaac pointed out there's so much mansplaining in this movie. UCK. Also, Hutch is dead, which is news I expected since the day she was supposed to meet him. Hutch left a book for Rosemary. God, this kind of movie makes me so paranoid. The book's called All of Them Witches and is supposed to be an anagram of something. The main warlock's name is an anagram of Roman's. WITCHY WITCHY. Rosemary has figured out that they're all witches. Guy takes away her book and puts it up high like she's a small child. Sapirstein claims he's sending the Castevets out of town. Now she's got pills and Guy threw her book away. BULLSHIT. Rosemary drops the creepy necklace down  a storm drain and gets some books about witchcraft.

Rosemarez figures out that the actor going blind was witchcraft and packs to move out. She goes to Dr. Sapirstein's for an appointment. She just figured out he's in on it, too. ROSEMARY, YOU IGNORANT SLUT. But SRSLY, way to go smarty pants. Isaac is mocking the rotary telephone booth. It's the sixties, bro, what do you expect? Dr. Hill is skeptical about the witch plot. A guy is outside the phone booth. Ruh-ROH. Not a witch? She goes to the doctor's office. She sounds insane, but there really is a witch coven. Is Hill in on it, too? He tells her to lie down. MALE GYNECOLOGISTS ARE NOT TO BE TRUSTED. She keeps calling the witches "monsters" and "unspeakable."  Rosemary dreams about a good, healthy baby. Hill has called Sapirstein and her husband. They threaten to take her to a mental hospital and make her go home. The taxi driver is a white guy. I don't think I've ever had a white taxi driver.

Rosemary tries to escape in the apartment building's elevator. I don't believe there's anyone who's not in on it in this building. She's got to take stairs if she's going to get away. Really, your own apartment, Rosemary? Go out the fucking fire escape, bro. You are not safe here! There are dudes in the apartment. Now they're all sedating her. God this is scary and I hate everything. She's in labor. Fucking Guy. They've now got a little boy. Rosemary wants her baby. Guy and the doctor say the baby's dead. She doesn't believe them. Guy thinks she's okay now and that they'll move to Hollywood soon. Rosemary hears a baby screaming next door. She hides her pills instead of taking them. They're clearly collecting her milk for the sacrifice baby. Rosemary consults the haunted closet. DOORWAY! Fucking patriarchy/witches.

Rosemary's got a knife and is ready for some kind of action. They're just going to kill you, R, no way you save the baby also. She goes into the witch party and finds a devil baby. "Hail, Satan!" the witches say. The devil baby is named Adrian. They all want her to "be a real mother" to him. Rosemary spits on Guy's face. She should murder him incredibly violently. But she gets up to calm the devil baby. This is terrible and I hate it. THE END.


*Note: I will not ever say this.