
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Pluggers? More like DRUGGERS!

Ace Energy: Taurine buzz + recycled '40s pin-up imagery

For individuals who value their own unique personality. Ace Energy originates upon American tradition, but thrives on today’s custom culture lifestyles, Inspiring you to be an ACE in whatever it is you do. To those who appreciate American music, custom cars & choppers, or a day’s hard work, Ace Energy delivers effective endurance for finishing the job. A nostalgic imaged can encourages a unique lifestyle. Whether you are a soldier or a civilian, life demands energy.That definitely describes me. Well, I picked out the energy + juice (10 whole %!) kind and utilized it while writing a mediocre response paper the other night. Review time! ACE ENERGY + JUICE TASTE: 2.5/5 asterisks It promises "juice," but tastes mostly like any old fruity carbonated energy drink. Definitely drinkable, but nothing special. EFFECTIVENESS: **** It had me relatively motivated about my summarizing duties and kept me alert late into the evening/writing project. MAKES ME WANT TO DO HARDER DRUGS: *** Little bit of hyperness and shakiness = the constant desire for more. OVERALL: 3.2 asterisks rounded up to 3.5 for the re-appropriation of sexy classic pin-ups.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Nonexistent pre-babies
1. I read on Feministing last week that you can now purchase an "Unborn Babies for McCain" t-shirt. Besides the fact that I'm pretty sure "unborn" is a made-up word, I'm not sure I would take political recommendations from non-sentient beings.
2. That reminded me of the beginning of this hilarious Flight of the Conchords video:
That is all.
Chester A. Arthur Limerick Time!
Julia said this was a rough one, but I think she did a beautiful job of capturing our nation's twenty-first President in this classical poetic form:
By the spoils system Pres. Arthur vowed not to be swayed
As politics was becoming an utter charade
He chose note to conform
And ushered in civil service reform
To the chagrin of the Stalwarts, who felt rather betrayed
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Chester A. Arthur: Possibly Secretly Canadian-Born President of Civil Service Reform
Chester A. Arthur was a man who not only possessed the ability to grow magically awesome hair on his face, but was able to rise above the spoils system that brought him to power and left his one term in office a beloved figure.* He was born in 1829 (or 1830) in Vermont (or maybe Quebec) to an Irish-born preacher and his Vermontian wife. He grew up in New York state and went to Union College where he partook in that great patriarchal tradition of college fraternity membership (Psi Upsilon). He got a master's degree in something and then spent some time as a school principal. But, of course, since he wanted to go into politics, he decided to study law. He passed the bar and began practicing in New York City. During the Civil War, he did some stuff like quartermastering in the army or something and he was promoted a few times before finishing his military stint in 1862.
At some point Chet (as his friends and family called him) fell in with Roscoe Conkling, a finely-bearded man and Republican operative. Old Roscoe got him an in with President U.S. Grant, who appointed Arthur to the position of Collector of Customs for the Port of New York. Apparently there was a lot of money in this job, but the future prez was far less corrupt than most of his predecessors had been. After Rutherford B. Hayes came to office in the late 1870s, he threw Arthur out of the Customs House and replaced him with one of his own guys. Arthur went back to practicing law while his pal Roscoe worked on getting Grant nominated to run for a third term. Well, shenanigans at the 1880 RNC ensued and James "Dark Horse" Garfield was nominated instead. Garfield's people wanted a Stalwart (someone from the pro-spoils faction) for VP, and Arthur was enthusiastic about being their second choice.
A close election eked Garfield and Arthur into the White House in 1881, though apparently they were not friends. Roscoe kept calling Chet and being like, "Hey, when can we get our pals new government jobs, yo?" And Garfield was like, "STFU, asshole." But then in July some guy shot Garfield and claimed he had done it in the name of patronage and to make Arthur President. Chet really kind of felt bad about this, since the guy was crazy and had nothing to do with him. So once Garfield finally died of complications from his wounds, Arthur defied the Stalwarts (and the rest of his party for that matter) by pushing through serious civil service reform. Also, he was a good dresser. But totally like President Bartlett, Arthur found out he had a fatal disease** and didn't tell anyone. He was pretty blase about running for reelection because of it, and he actually ended up dying of a cerberal hemorrhage in 1886.
Other facts about Chester Alan Arthur:
-Because of his fancy clothes, he was known as "the Gentleman's Boss" or "Elegant Arthur."
-He was a widower who vowed never to remarry.
-Supposedly he had, like, 80 pairs of pants and would change into different pants multiple times a day. I speculate that this had more to do with an incontinence problem than a penchant for fashion, though there does not seem to be any historical basis for such claims--I just like making them.
-Before moving into the White House, he insisted on getting rid of all the old furniture and totally redecorating. I don't want to stereotype, but Chester A. Arthur may have been gay.
-He was an avid fisherman who caught big fish sometimes. Fish are gross. Objectively.
*Except for by his party, the Republicans. Also, Democrats. But non-politicians totally thought he was the cat's pajamas.
**Some kidney thing.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
DISCOUNT Energy Drink Review: Turn Left

Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Yeah, I'm TOTALLY reading my Lukacs right now

Monday, September 22, 2008
Short birthday message
On this, the 25th anniversary of my birth, I realize that I have much to be grateful for. Pretty much #1 on that list would be joy that I've never had to spend a birthday in Family Circle land.
Friday, September 19, 2008
History Limerick Returns!!!
Julia with the poetic 411 on McKinley:
There ne'er was an imperialist like Willy McK
Shouldering the "White Man's Burden" was hardly child's play
He Remembered the Maine
As native peoples were slain
From Cuba to Guam to the San Pedro Bay*
*In the Philippines, not in California, duh
Short Circuit: Great '80s Movie, or GREATEST '80s Movie?
After a discussion of its awesomeness, Thrift Store Champion secretly (and adorably) Netflixed Short Circuit I & II and bought some Andre champagne* (Annn-drae) to go with the viewing. We watched the first one last night, and it was just as amazingly terrible as I recall. Ally Sheedy, Steve Guttenberg, some guy pretending to be Indian, and amazing special effects. Rent it today. But first, enjoy the fabulous video from the theme song "Who's Johnny?" by El Debarge:
OMFG Steve Guttenberg cardboard cutout.
*I did a cursory google search for a website, but perhaps $3-5 a bottle isn't bringing in enough profit for them to hire a web designer. Though you'd think the sheer numbers of college freshmen and unclassy grownups (like me) who drink it would keep their numbers going strong.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
McKinley: America's Most Spineless Veteran President

Update: Still figuring shit out
What I said in the title. BUT ALSO:
Upcoming: The return of Thursday History Blogging!!
I'm in a goddamn U.S. history class (it's on war and gender OMG awesome), I think I should be able to come up with shit to write about. Also, my weekend starts after 5:30 on Thursdays, so if I don't get to it before my fake class I have that day that THIS is a semester-long assignment for, I'll do it after. But maybe after a nap. We'll see. I've started going to my actual office occasionally to do actual work for my graduate assistantship, so perhaps I can start using some of that time to fuck around on the internet more and bloggity blog blog. Anyway, I keep thinking me and the internet will get back together, but I've really enjoyed our time apart. Even so, the blog needs to get back on the momentum train, so I am officially fishing for compliments to encourage me to get me back to regular writing. Officially.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
"It's like they hate miracles"
Via Jezebel, I came upon what can only be deemed the Best Video Ever. I cannot get these amazing images out of my head.
When Thrift Store Champion and I start reproducing immediately we're going to look into awesome baby wheelchairs.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Quote o' the Day: Vengeance of God Edition
"Also, there have been many hurricanes! This is either because of global warming or God’s rather imprecise attempts to drown the gays, depending on who you ask." -Josh Fruhlinger in this week's Cartoon Violence at Wonkette.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Shenanigans, beards, boys
I took no time at all to acquire a drunken bearded Ohioan boyfriend. That's where I've been. It's pretty fucking awesome. Check in again soon.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
What I learned in school today: Marx just wanted to spread some sunshine to the proletariat
As you all know, I am from America. In case you are unfamiliar with America, it is the awesomest, most reddest-whitest-bluest country ever.* And it is full of delicious, delicious capitalism. However, it turns out that some of that propaganda patriotism I learned in school may have misled me about Karl Marx and communism. First of all, who could demonize somebody with such a fucking awesome beard? Second, it turns out Marxy Marx is just a big softy. Who knew!?
Out of context quote from Capital: "It is, however, just this ultimate money-form of the world of commodities that actually conceals, instead of disclosing, the social character of private labour, and the social relations between the individual producers." Pretty much Karl is like, "Let's stop relating to each other through objects and money and these various abstractions that distract us from holding hand and singing 'Kumbaya' while really valuing each other's labor." But he would have said it in German. Through his sweet fucking beard. And then he would have stroked Engels' mustache before writing some more impenetrable theory.
My new bearded friend Thrift Store Champion had this to say about Karl's facial hair just now:
"I think he had all kinds of stuff in that beard."
Probably leprechaun jewels.
*Don't forget to Never Forget™ tomorrow, fellow Americans!
Sunday, September 07, 2008
David Caruso is better than substantive blogging
My weekend has been filled with magical drunken shenanigans fed by Sparks Plus 4-packs, pie-baking, and daytime energy drink-homework attempts-nap progressions. Anyway, the season premiere of CSI: Miami is my birthday, so in its honor, we looked up the awesomest awesome awesomeness of David Caruso magic. ENJOY IN MY BLOGGING ABSENCE:
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Republicans can has nomination speeches too: another attempt at live-blogging
Brian Williams just told us that several minutes for applause have been built into the schedule by the Republicans.
Stephen Colbert will be so happy--look at that green screen!
Protesting veterans in the back.
Okay fine, not a green screen, it's grass. Whatevs.
He keeps getting interrupted by the cheers of "U.S.A.!"
He has seven children. READ: Working penis.
He wants us to accept the Grinch.
John McCain's mom could kick my ass. Maybe she does steroids.
"We'll go at it."
We're congratulating Obama about some sort of undefined achievement.
Some awesome lady is protesting. She had her sign stolen. Code Pink women being dragged out of the auditorium. But McMaverick calls it "ground noise and static." Fuck you, war protesters!!
Sarah Palin blahblahblah.
He just did some sort of creepy crouching and laughing thing. Yuck.
"I understand who I work for." YOU. Me? You're fired.
He fought lobbyists who stole from Indian tribes. When? I bet the Indians wish he'd just stay out of their business, they've got enough problems.
John McCain is a genius at Iraq. Did you know if we hadn't intervened with the surge, our troops might have been demoralized!!
Examples of everyday Americans. Good job, campaign research staff!
Did you know that if you send John McCain some jewelry, he will wear it every day. I'm totally sending him like three pink sparkly rings and a tiara.
Latina! Keyword! We're all God's children.
A CULTURE OF LIFE (dog whistle). PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. Judge who don't legislate.
Crazy lady in sparkly yellow suit OMG LOVE IT.
The only job that won't go away: one at McDonald's.
He thinks schools should have competition. CHOICES! Okay, Milton Freedman, Jr.
I think the teleprompter just told him to smile. It was scary.
DRILL DRILL DRILL DRILL. Is John McCain a dentist?
Iran. Please stop talking about Iran. Please stop. Please, please stop.
"I'm not afraid of them." He sounds like an eight year-old claiming that the Freddy Kruger movies don't scare him.
Awesome other sparkly outfit. My One Friend says, "Is she wearing a python?"
John McCain thinks it's awesome that he remembers Pearl Harbor. He wants to keep other families from risking their lives like his has, except for when he starts/perpetuates lots of wars and stuff, of course.
I am getting bored. Or maybe it's the beer I'm drinking.
He's advocating stealing ideas from other people.
He was blessed to be tortured. So those terrorists should be fucking grateful. P.O.W., P.O.W., P.O.W. Even in his shittiest moments, he tried to preserve a semblance of masculinity.
I think it's gross when people anthropomorphize things in a gendered way. Like America as a "her."
So many cowboy hats. Misspellings of maverick as "mavrick." Morans.
FIGHT WITH ME. FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. Cheerleading. Just like George Bush.
STAND UP STAND UP STAND UP for a standing ovation.
Finally. God bless fucking America.
John McCain is apparently running for President
First: a cheesy video about his life.
John McCain is a mama's boy. Duh.
He didn't die in the military or as a P.O.W. because "maybe he had more to do."
There is an old man reading from John McCain's book. Is this supposed to be interesting?
Constant torture and isolation "could have" produced someone bitter or angry. Totally not like John McCain at all.
"Country first." Personal relationships last.
Inspirational photos of troops in Iraq.
"NO ONE cherishes the American dream more than John McCain." Could we measure that in a bar graph? Anybody?
Phallus Strength.
CINDY MCCAIN IS GIVING A SPEECH SO I AM WATCHING CSI INSTEAD
Pluggers: It's been too long

Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Semi-Live Blogging of Sarah Palin's RNC Speech
I turned on the TV and saw Sarah Palin givin' a little speech to the RNC. And I decided to respond to some offensive shit while it happened for you to read later. ALMOST-LIVE-BLOG!
Apparently John McCain has "sheer guts." How about "sheer ambition?" A better name for a celebrity scent, though, eh?
Her son is named Track? But she's down with him getting shot at in Iraq because McMaverick is "exactly the kind of man she wants as Commander-in-Chief."
Republicans are bad at chanting "McCain."
Her children have terrible names. Have I mentioned this?
BTW: Cindy McCain looks like the fucking Grinch.
Is her baby's name "Trig?" Like trigafuckingnometry?!! That's worse than fucking Tagg.
Standing ovation for children with disabilities.
The future Second Gentleman is a world champion snowmobiler or something. He has single-handedly destroyed Alaska's wildlife. Before ANWR drilling!
OMG Cindy McCain is terrifying.
People in small towns are both more honest and harder workers than anybody else. "They're always proud of America." Always?
HOCKEY MOM (dogwhistle--esp. in Minnesota).*
"I guess a small-town mayor is kind of like a community organizer, except that you have actual responsibilities." FUCK YOU SARAH PALIN.
Also, we should all start telling working class people that they bitterly cling to guns and religion to their faces.
SAN FRANCISCO (dog whistle)
She's not a member of the Permanent Political Establishment. Six months only gets you a provisionary membership card, dontcha know?
John McCains mother looks confused. And I don't care how old she is (113?), that jacket is a no-no.
Cindy McCain looks like a Disney villain. She is always wearing something ridiculous (and expensive).
Republicans want to challenge the status quo? Really?
Motherfucking pearl necklace. Of course.
She put the "luxury" governor's jet on ebay?
Alaska has a surplus? Alaska has 15 citizens. But she fucking loves vetoes.
Blahblahblah gas pipelane blahblahblah "energy independence." "Dangerous foriegn powers!"
IRAN (dog-whistle). TERRORISTS. VENEZUELA. AMERICANS, OWN GAS, GAL FROM THE NORTH SLOPE OF ALASKA. Ow. My ears hurt.
American American American American.
Barack Obama sucks because he's only authored two memoirs. Lazy bastard.
Apparently we should all be claiming victory in Iraq. Still.
OMG Cindy McCain just smiled and part of my soul just died.
Barack Obama is Captain Planet.
America needs more energy. America needs to fucking go on an energy diet.
Also, reading suspected terrorists their rights is a WASTE OF TIME. Besides, the only people who can translate the Miranda Rights into Arabic are gay, so it's probably for the best.
Taxes. Taxes. Taxes. Small businesses. Way to mention Ohio, SP. Small farms in Minnesota. Barack Obama wants to raise your taxes, apparently for no reason. And no one will benefit.
"Our nominee doesn't run with the Washington herd." Also, he advocates violence.
Boo Harry Reid. He doesn't like McCain, so we should.
MAVERICK. Blech.
"The American Presidency is not supposed to be a journey of personal discovery..."
AGH!!! CINDY MCCAIN BROKE MY TV!!@@!
John McCain was in the military blahblahblah he has a bigger penis than anybody else in America. Except Cheney (this goes without her actually saying this). P.O.W. journey. (Cut to old Minnesotan WWII vet nodding.)
They showed a black guy! He looks skeptical. Is he a cameraman?
That ho just blew a kiss to a war veteran. Standing ovation!
Another black guy. He's totally about to cry. He may be an actual delegate.
People who have been tortured are apparently better qualified for everything. We should probably just take everybody at Guantanamo Bay and have them take over a few government agencies. Amiright?
JOIN OUR CAUSE. JOIN OUR CAUSE. Cindy McCain is next to Giuliani. A creepy combination, to say the least.
A commentator called her a tough cookie. Fuck that noise.
"She certainly did talk to small-town America."
Okay, I have to get away from these commentators before they dive into the spin room. Also, I need to do some reading for my pop culture class. We'll see how that goes.
*I got to help explain the concept of dog-whistle politics to my communications professor tonight. It was awesome. Also, I said so much smart shit about Marx.
Homesick for Saint Paul but not for tear gas
I'm still kind of disconnected from the news what with having had a five-day weekend full of drunken shenanigans and now lots and lots of Marx to read, but My One Friend (New BFF K) has cable and we caught the Daily Show tonight and I saw that the RNC decided not to dance on the graves of the victims of Gustav. So, you know, that's something. Also Facebook showed me that a number of my friends participated in some St. Paul protesting, and no one appears to have been arrested. However, I know some crazy authoritarian shit has been going down in the Cities, and it's fucking scary. Zachary found some video from inside the action.
I will do my utmost to surface from my debauchery interspersed with book-readin' and do some real blogging soon.
I can has podcast?
Shortly before the big move and my subsequent (hopefully temporary) absence from the tubernets, the sister called and interviewed me for a podcast they're doing on blogging at the BYU Writing Center.* She asked me some questions about blogs in general and then about my experience writing Blonder and Thinnerrrr and I rambled about much of the crap I have rambled about on this here blog and hopefully didn't turn out too dumb-sounding.** Anyway, the promo is up and features some of my awesome awesomeness regarding blogging. I'll let y'all fans know when the actual p-cast is up.
*'Cause I'm totally, like, an expert, and not just conveniently related to her.
**I mean, I know I sound like a genius in writing, but Lauren = has never been particularly articulate in real life talking. "So... yeah."
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