New York Times discovers Minnesota has the internet; I tell Al Franken how to run his campaign

Maybe the fact that my mother constantly repeated this phrase while I was growing up explains some of what is wrong with me.

This story has been bouncing around for a bit (a week is a long time here on the interwebz), but apparently not only have The New York Times' intrepid reporters found out that we have the internet here in the MN, but there are these people called "bloggers" who write about "politics," and they sometimes have "readers" that they "influence." Ahem. Sorry, got kind of out of control with the quote marks there. That's right, kids: Senate Race in Minnesota Shows Power of Bloggers. That's a shitty headline, am I right or am I right? I guess blogs are still "news" to some people (some people who don't spend all day at their computers, ruining their hands and wrists, like us cool kids).

The long and the short of the story is about how douchebags serious political bloggers in Minnesota are striking out against Al Franken, the presumptive Democratic nominee for Senate. SHOCKING, I tell you. Did you have any idea that people express strong feelings on the internet, and sometimes it reflects negatively on their targets? I, for one, think that people should keep their opinions to themselves and off the toobz. As far as the Franken himself goes, my inappropriate crush on him has already been covered on this humble blog, but the actual meat of the NYT story involves conservative bloggers successfully exploiting his campaign's missteps. The gang over at Minnesota Democrats EXPOSED (all caps added for dramatic effect*) EXPOSED some back taxes Franken owed, and now are totally playing up the "Al Franken wrote stuff for Playboy" angle. I personally don't give a shit that Franken used to employ a shitty accountant, and I'm certainly aware of his notable past as a public figure and a comedian, but I think Jeff really hit the nail on the head as to where the campaign itself has gone wrong:

If Franken were upfront about this stuff, if he’d rushed to disclose it and apologized where necessary, maybe he could brazen it out, like Jesse Ventura did with some of his more colorful** past exploits. But that’s the other problem: he hasn’t been. Quite simply, [the Playboy] column should have come from the Franken campaign itself.

Anybody who has been gung-ho about Al Franken from the beginning already knows about Al Franken. I mean, he has an awesome feud with Bill O'Reilly and Fox News. He's a comedian who's been saying funny and outrageous things in the public sphere for a few decades. If you know him and like him already, the fact that he (at least) once joked around about porn isn't really your top concern as far as his candidacy goes.*** But for the people who are unconvinced, or don't find him funny, or have been living under a rock since the '70s, some of this stuff is going to be shocking and possibly fatal to his senatorial campaign. Regardless of the relatively objective lameness of these people, I agree with Jeff that all this stuff should have been right out on the table in the beginning.

Al Franken has been running for Senate for like two years, it's not like they just threw this campaign together last week and then realized that he once wrote for Playboy. For all the regular Minnesotans who aren't as pathetically steeped in pop culture as some of us big city internet-addicted types, I think it would have been beneficial to just say, "Hey, Al Franken has said some crazy shit, but it was funny, and he is awesome, and it's time to get over it." And then they could just spend the rest of their time reminding everybody what an undeniably huge douchebag Norm Coleman is. I mean, COME ON. Have you seen his MySpace? He's got like ten times fewer one-tenth as many friends as Al Franken, and his top friend is the Minnesota Young Republicans. And we all know that MySpace is pretty much just like real life.

Anyway, Franken's campaign should take back control of the story. Bloggers will blog, much like I am blogging right now, and there's nothing you can do about that. But the campaign has got to stop trying to brush Franken's comedic past under the table. Face it, love it, move on. I have. Now go win an election. (People like you!)



*I think I might get more traffic if I changed the name of this blog to Blonder and Thinner EXPOSED. Although anyone who is Googling that phrase will probably be sadly disappointed by my content.

**"Colorful" is officially one of my favorite euphemisms.

***Note: my personal feelings about actual porn are mixed at best, but I can't muster up the wherewithal to care about shit like this.

Norton I: Did you know America had an emperor?

The Emperor gets his bike on.


As per an exciting request from Zachary (look at how I am passive-aggressively encouraging you to update your blog): I introduce to you Joshua Abraham Norton AKA His Imperial Majesty Emperor Norton I of these United States and Protector of Mexico. Just like today, nineteenth-century San Francisco encouraged local citizens to wander about in wacky apparel and make ridiculous public pronouncements. A crazy guy declared himself a royal sovereign, and the city indulged him for over twenty years. Although, I'm not going to lie, my favorite touch in his self-appointed title is the "First" part, as if he was expecting generations of Emperor Nortons to follow him. We're still waiting on that count.

But so anyway, the future emperor was born some time in the 1810s in London, and grew up in South Africa. After gaining a significant inheritance upon his father's death, Norton emigrated to San Francisco. He made a bad deal on some Peruvian rice,* lost a drawn-out lawsuit over the whole thing, and disappeared from SF for a few years. When he came back in 1859, he pronounced himself Emperor, and began making public demands. His fellow San Franciscans were apparently only too happy to play along. Besides claiming imperial rule of the country, Norton I declared that Congress should be dissolved, and tried to force the Protestant and the Catholic Church to officially ordain his rule. He was summarily ignored. Whatever, I know for a fact that The Sexy Gay Jesus totally endorses Emperor Norton I.

So though people in power (like Congress and the Army and such) pretty much just ignored His Imperial Majesty, but that didn't stop local newspapers from publishing his decrees (seriously, check them all out, they are hilarious). He became the city's awesomest resident eccentric, and was welcomed at some of the city's finest establishments and cultural events. He was buddies with famous local stray dogs Bummer and Lazarus, broke up at least one anti-Chinese immigration riot, abolished the national Democratic and Republican Parties, insisted that the word "Frisco" be banished,** and most awesomely, printed his own money:

Local restaurant owners and the like put up plaques to honor the Emperor and accepted his currency as legit. Joshua A. Norton may have been penniless, but Emperor Norton I had the Treasury! When he was arrested in 1867 to undergo treatment for mental illness, the city cried out in protest, and he was released. Luckily, the offending policeman was offered an Imperial Pardon, and the local officers continued to defer to the Emperor's inspections and authority.

Apparently our nation's first and only Emperor just wandered around San Francisco for a couple decades, wearing old army uniforms, a feathered hat, and carrying an old beat-up saber while making imperial statements. He was universally beloved, and when he collapsed on a street corner and died in 1880, 30,000 people came to pay their respects. The city paid to have him buried in a Masonic Cemetery.*** Mark Twain based the Huckleberry Finn con-artist character "The King" on him. Most recently, local officials wanted to name a new span of the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge after him (one of his main unmet demands was that the city build a bridge and a tunnel across the bay, both of which occurred in the 20th century). Apparently same lame-os on the city council or something didn't like that idea, and it got stuck in committee in 2004. But Emperor Norton I is still considered one of San Francisco's finest historical citizens. If I ever go crazy and start claiming I'm the emperor of something, I just hope my neighbors are as awesome as his were.



*A serious blunder, to be sure, "But only slightly less well-known is this, 'Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!'"

**Punishment was a $25 fine paid to the Imperial Treasury.

***YOU GUYS: The Freemasons are EVERYWHERE. This should make you nervous.

Open letter to Arianna Huffington: WTF pink?

Dear Arianna, I may have stated before that Feministing was my gateway drug to the feminist blogosphere, but my gateway drug to the blogosphere PERIOD was The Huffington Post. Arianna, I saw you charming the pants off* Stephen Colbert back in the day, and I knew I wanted to read your website. And once I got a job where I had to spend hours of each day pretending to be busy at a computer, your site was where I went first. I actually FOUND Feministing through HuffPo. But I have to say, it's not what it used to be. Listen, I still check it first after email and Facebook each day and before I log into Google Reader, but I mostly just skim the headlines--I've got to be honest. Ever since you expanded to all those different sections, it just hasn't been the same for me. I miss not having to click through to read Eat the Press. I have a budding repetitive stress injury, Arianna, and I just have to conserve my energy where I can. And you added that "Living" section. For me, this section is just an online version of the New York Times' "Life & Style" women's stories ghetto. And for a while it was a green** page, kind of pretending not to be just for chicks, even though it had lots of stories about women's lives, advice, etc. Fine. But it's been getting lamer. I never read the blogs or even the advice columns (and I LOVE me some advice columns, believe you me) because I feel like I'm reading Woman's Day or something. No offense to my mom (who reads WD), but that's not what I got into blogs for. And now the last straw. You made your fucking page PINK. COME ON. And to top it all off, I'll give you a sampling of today's lame headlines: -5 Reasons Men Should Be Grateful for "Sex and the City" THERE ARE NONE. No reasons. Even the semi-ironic ones some dude comes up with. It was a shitty TV show, and I'm sure it's a shitty movie. I don't begrudge people their guilty pleasures, but let's not pretend like SJP changed sexual politics in America by saying the word "orgasm" in public and wearing ridiculous clothes. Also, that VOICEOVER. Get real, people. < /rant > -Girls Gone Vulgar: One Man's Take This is accompanied by a photo of Sarah Silverman. I don't really think she's very funny, personally. But I also don't give a shit about some guy's opinions about her and other "vulgar" ladies. -Behind the "Mama's Boy" Stereotype I don't know about you guys, but I really like essays that investigate stereotypes. By which I mean, confirm them. This links to an article on the Psychology Today website that talks about adult men in Italy that don't want to move out. -What Your Hemline Says About You You know what it says? It says how long of a skirt you're wearing. -The Perils of Going Barefoot I'm pretty sure they involve stepping on shit. Like when I stepped on a bee and got stung when I was four. I don't need to read an article to know that I should watch where I walk when I'm shoeless. -Meditation Is the New Psychotherapy Right. Anyway, Arianna, I realize that your duties as blogger-in-chief don't really put you in the trenches for day-to-day decisions like "should we just admit that this is a lame girly page and make it pink so the boys don't accidentally read it?" But seriously. I disapprove. I mean, I wasn't reading this shit before, but now that it's all labeled in pink, I'm even less likely to do so. And I feel dirty that I had to click on some of those articles to see what they were actually about and contributed to the ad revenue. Stop making shit pink. Your "Living" page can still be lame, whatever. Just don't make it pink. Please. Yours annoyedly, Lauren *Not literally. Unfortunately. **In color. I have no idea whether the production of HuffPo's Living page is a green process or not.

Pluggers: Have you no SHAME?!

As previously documented here and here, Pluggers have a well-established prescription drug addiction. What I'm wondering, however, is why does Gary Brookins feel it is in any way appropriate to celebrate this on the comics page? THINK OF THE CHILDREN, FOR GOD'S SAKE. Besides the fact that the concept of a giant, old mutant-dog-man who has so many health problems, that he can no longer even leave his house, for fear of forgetting an important dosage is incredibly depressing. He's so pathetic, he is forced to use the ubiquitous prescription bottles littering his household to build props for his escapist fantasies (enhanced by the contents of the bottles, obvs). Also, does he only have THREE fingers on his left hand?! WTF, Brookins? He looks even more freakish than usual. But this doesn't even cover the obvious wink-wink acknowledgement of the recreational use of controlled substances (see the DEA for specific schedules).

But anyway, for the benefit of the kids, I'm going to provide some tips from the FDA on the proper use of prescription drugs:

Use Prescription Drugs Safely

1. Always follow medication directions carefully.
2. Don't increase or decrease doses without talking with your doctor.
3. Don't stop taking medication on your own.
4. Don't crush or break pills.
5. Be clear about the drug's effects on driving and other daily tasks.
6. Learn about the drug's potential interactions with alcohol, other prescription medicines, and over-the-counter medicines.
7. Inform your doctor about your past history of substance abuse.
8. Don't use other people's prescription medications and don't share yours.

I know, kids, I know. It's CONFUSING to be told not to share, and I know Mommy crushes up your Ritalin into yogurt so she doesn't have to explain what's wrong with you, even though you know all your teachers and peers hate you and that yogurt tastes damn funny, but the FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION knows what it's talking about. Just play it safe.*

And YOU, Chief Plugger and prescription drug trafficker** Gary Brookins: Do you have no conscience? How can you make light of such a serious problem? I have no choice but to interpret your flagrant and repeated celebration of Plugger pill-poppers tantamount to an endorsement of prescription drug abuse. (You can get us all the hookup, though, right?)



*You know where Mommy keeps the Ritalin, right? I'll give you a candy bar if you bring it to me. You love candy!

**I just assume he sells, too. There's no way someone with that kind of expertise hasn't dabbled in the pharmaceutical mercantile arts.

Worst. blogger. ever.

So I may have extended my weekend mindset a bit and not done a post today. Now I'm too lazy. Double awesome awesomeness promised for Wednesday. Or something.

I'm going to relax, damn it!

Our hammock is on our porch, not on a tropical beach. Unfortunately. But at least we have one!

It is pretty much summertime now. Finally! Thank the fucking Sexy Gay Jesus. Though I'm sure this comes as no surprise to those of you who also live in the northern hemisphere, because it's getting to be summer where you live too. BUT: my job is now running on summer hours, with slightly longer Mondays-Thursdays, and short-ass Fridays. What I'm saying is, that I'm about to embark on pretty much a 3.5-day weekend. Fuckin' sweet. I don't really have anything to write about today. Just enjoying the nice weather and looking forward to sleeping/drinking/hanging out on the porch, etc. this weekend. It should be a glorious good time. OMG I love summer.


UPDATE: I know you were worried, so I thought I'd reassure you with the knowledge that I had an AWESOME weekend.

Benjamin Harrison: Kinda Like Jenna Bush

He had a pretty good beard.

Benjamin Harrison served as our nation's 23rd President, nestled in a sandwich made of Grover Cleveland's delicious non-consecutive terms. He was the grandson of the ill-fated President Tippecanoe, and the son of a Congressman, which is how he is like Jenna Bush. Pretty much. Born in Ohio and a graduate of the erroneously-named "Miami University" there, Benjamin Harrison belonged to a "private gentleman's club" of some kind that may or may have not involved strippers. I decline to do any further research. He married Caroline Scott and they had a son and a daughter. They turned out to be ungrateful brats (see: Harrison's second marriage). Harrison served in the Union army, while his future rival Cleveland paid somebody off to take his place. Can't really blame old Groves, though, I've seen Civil War movies. You know they didn't have anesthesia back then? Also, they just lined up and shot at each other. Dumbest. tactic. ever. Harrison's army buddies used to call him "Little Ben" because he was only 5'6". Which is slightly taller than me, but nobody calls me "little" anything because I would punch them in the face if they did.*

Anyway, like pretty much everyone else who was elected president between the Civil War and WWI, Benjamin Harrison was a Republican. After settling in Indiana, he held some random local offices and served in the Senate for six years in the 1880s. But in the somewhat-sketchy election of 1888, Harrison defeated the incumbent President Cleveland, despite losing the popular vote. (Goddamn electoral college always fucking us over.) This period in U.S. History has been called "The Gilded Age". This is because men like Carnegie, Rockefeller, and various corrupt politicians insisted that everything they owned be covered in gold. As you can imagine, this made all their shit really shiny, expensive, and heavy.

Google image search: Cleveland sandwich.

The spoils system was in full swing at this time (James A. Garfield continues to say thanks from beyond the grave, BTW), and though Harrison mostly kept his fingers out of the political promise pie, his supporters were not so scrupulous. This was awkward for Benjamin Harrison. As a Republican, he couldn't really try and reform civil service, because no one would like him. It turned out that nobody liked him anyway. He presided over a tariff/treasury surplus situation that didn't really turn out that well for anyone, though he did sign the Sherman Anti-Trust Act into law. An economic downturn and general corruption brought about a tough beating for the Republicans in the 1890 midterm elections. Harrison somehow managed to get re-nominated, however, and went up to bat** against Cleveland again. This time, there was apparently less cheating or something, because the American people wanted Cleveland back. That's a pretty clear mandate, President Harrison. Sorry everyone hates you. Oh, and his wife died pretty much right while he was losing.

Anyway, old "Kid Gloves" Harrison (He was called this because he had some sort of skin sensitivity that made him have to wear gloves. That's what Michael Jackson said too. Innnnteresting.) returned to Indiana, got remarried to one of his wife's nieces and had another kid; pissing off his grown children, who were worried about getting their full inheritance. He did some "elder statesman" bullshit for awhile, but ended up succumbing to influenza and pneumonia (just like Gramps!), dying in 1901.*** He's had some shit named after him, but he's mostly been forgotten because he didn't really do anything very cool like start a war, get shot, or commit genocide. Anyway, this is kinda what we have to look forward to when Jenna runs in 2036.



*This is false. Most likely. Don't test me.

**This stupid sports metaphor is where I will mention that Harrison was the first U.S. President to attend a baseball game, according to the the "discouraged" trivia section of his Wikipedia article.

***"It's like ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife..."

Lucky Wednesday Link Dump!

I've been saving up a number of links, and some of them are kind of related to each other, but mostly not. So this is a hodgepodge of random things I've found/been hanging on to for a while. READ THEM. 1. A while back, Twisty eviscerated a douchebag college writer who was offended that people were trying to get men to stop raping people. Junior English major pooh-poohs anti-violence campaign. (I Blame the Patriarchy) 2. My internet boyfriend Ezra Klein pointed out the obvious flaws in McMaverick's criticism of government-run health care forcing the poor to endure longer waiting periods: "We have a two tiered system in America in which the wealthiest can afford to pay for their own health care and we let the poor die." Oh, yeah. Makes a little waiting list not seem so bad, eh? John McCain and Waiting Times. (Ezra Klein at the American Prospect) 3. The Boozehound Cinephile covered the various levels of hangover in a typically delightful manner. I have to say that I agree that with increased tolerance comes the ability to completely skip level one. Hungover? That's just what I feel like EVERY morning. I had probably a level four a couple months ago, but that was probably the worst one ever. I usually don't vomit both the night before AND several times the next day. My tolerance has been so much higher since then, though, so I feel like I just had to earn it. The Five Levels of Hangover. (Pajiba) 4. I think if you ask a hipster, you will find that these things are not mutually exclusive: Massive Oregon Crowd Came to See The Decemberists, Not Barack Obama!* (Wonkette) 5. One of the most interesting articles I've read in a long, long time is about a documentarian's look at the photos from Abu Ghraib, and his search for someone to assign the blame to. He even recruits a facial-expression expert to help prove a young female soldier was a seeker of justice rather than the monster she came to be seen as in one famously incriminating smiling photo. Seriously, the whole thing is totally worth the read. The Most Curious Thing. (Errol Morris, NYT) 6. And for you Lost cult-ies, some feminist analysis from a fellow obsessed fan: Lost Salon and Open Thread. (Melissa McEwan, Shakesville) 7. LAST ONE. A funny video: Daily Show + jokes about depression = television magic! UPDATE: Welcome to my humble blog, American Prospect readers! *Full disclosure: despite my Obama ambivalence and lack of hipster-identification, I will say that I do love me some Decemberists and have seen some pretty sweet live shows by them.

Quote o' the Day: Angry Feminist Edition

"Progress ain't fueled by rainbows and gumdrops." -Melissa McEwan, (Feminism 101: On Anger) Shakesville. And BTW, for the record, I am a feminist.

X-Files Drinking Game: Favorite Rules

Hey kids,

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned our X-Files Drinking Game before. It has, like, 101 rules. That are written down. There are random things we drink for that weren't really worth making into rules, or came to us after the 100 mark, but there's a lot of awesome things to drink to, is what I'm saying. BTVFF (Best TV Friend Forever) Ka$h and I are on our second journey through the complete series, currently stalled mid-season 2 while she road-trips. However, in the meantime, I copied the idea of a friend of mine, and used my economic arousal stimulus check just the way GWB wanted me to and ordered the Complete Collector's Edition off of Amazon (all nine seasons + first movie). The box comes with a drawer! With pamphlets! And a poster for the original movie! I'm totally hanging it above my bed so as to impress all the many men I bring there. By which I mean, no one will ever see this poster.

ANYWAY. I decided to pick out a few (ten, actually) favorite drinking game rules to commemorate the awesomeness that is the X-Files and especially its renewed cultural relevance due to the imminent release of a new movie.* And I just have to throw out there that I am so glad I have good X-Files fan friends now, because it was a bit odd being the only X-Files-loving, morbid, choir-singing, cynical, occasional cheerleading** Mormon girl I knew growing up. But so pull out a favorite episode, pour yourself a drink (you might want to have a back-up ready if you've got a full set of rules), and get ready for some classics.

TAKE A DRINK WHEN:
(These are not ranked, I just like making numbered lists.)

1. Krycek gets his ass kicked. This happens a lot. Sifting through all the Krycek/Mulder slash videos, this old VCR-ed promo gave the best quick synopsis of Krycek getting what he deserves:***

And I really have to say the Alex Krycek is not only a beautiful man (he goes from FBI Ken Doll --> badass pretty boy), but his character is one of the best demonstrations of the concept of "amorality" I have ever seen. Pure self-interest. Love. it.

2. Skinner's loyalty is questioned. You're not really sure whose side he's on until late in the game. But by then you totally want him to have your back. He consistently does a great job of playing the power game because can only help uncover the Truth (take a drink at its mention, BTW) if he can keep his job.

3. Ford Taurus. Starting in about season 2, this is the only rental car Mulder and Scully ever drive. (Also take a drink if Mulder is the default driver.)

4. Cancer Man lights up. The rule isn't just whenever he's smoking, because we're not promoting alcohol poisoning here, just drink when he's shown lighting a cigarette. God I love Cancer Man. And how he shot JFK.****

5. A giant '90s cell phone shows up. They are funny.

6. Scully is a badass. She's pretty much always a badass, but once in a while she'll kick somebody's ass or tell somebody off or perform some sort of feat of strength that deserves extra recognition. Do it with a drink.

7. Mulder is inappropriately snarky. Pretty much any time he is ever around any sort of authority figure.

8. "After all you've seen, after all we've been through, why can't you just believe?"

9. Mulder meets with X. Take a second drink if it goes down in a parking garage.

10. Scully is shown wearing huge shoulderpads/unfortunate frumpy early '90s clothes/has tragically bad hair.

Anyway, this is just the first installment in what is sure to be an exciting series for all of us as I spread the X-Files Drinking Game magic.

Love and vodka shots,

Lauren


*July 25th, bitchez! You know what my plans are. Also, IMDB just told me that Xzibit is in the movie. WTF? By which I mean, I can't wait.

**One season in eighth grade. But I like to bring it up because I can't believe I did that. Can you spell PUBLIC HUMILIATION? I can. That is why I stopped being a cheerleader.

***Sans the part in season 8 when Doggett starts punching him through the moving car window. The only thing more satisfying than that moment is when Skinner finally shoots Krycek in the head.

****I do not support the historical assassination of any U.S. Presidents, but I think it's awesome that his character is wrapped up in all the important events of the second half of the twentieth century. Like Forrest Gump, but way more evil.

Guitarring and walking

These boys from the Kooks met in music school and this cover/video is kind of adorable. I'm going to see them next week and I am pretty pumped about the whole thing.

There will always be anger in this world as long as Pluggers exists

I have two three main problems with this comic (besides all the normal Plugger-related complaints):

1. Pluggers should not eat other plugger species. It's gross and creepy.

2. Isn't ACTUAL bird-watching the kind of dorky/old-fashioned* hobby that pluggers would participate it in? Stupid puns.

3. ALSO: Is it just me, or is Mrs. Fox Plugger STONED OFF HER ASS? I mean, there's nothing wrong with an herbally-enhanced barbecue, I just thought Pluggers preferred to only indulge in prescription drugs and prune juice. No wonder she is waiting so intently for the food to be ready.




*No offense, Ka$h. I love your extensive bird knowledge.

Friday's Things I've Found on the Toobz and Liked

1. I know I posted the band's video of this a while back, but Rai Thistlethwayte not only has a name that is the bane of speech therapists everywhere, but has a voice and instrumenting skills that overpower the sketchiness of his facial hair to make him still totally hot. And I just watched this a bunch of times in a row, so I figure I may as well share the wealth. That is what YouTube is for. 2. Kind of old news now, but Kieran Healy pretty much had the same thoughts I did upon seeing the new $5 bill: Um, it looks fake. Or like somebody spilled something on it. After they played with the design in Print Shop Deluxe. Choice quote:

The new additions to this bill, apparently intended to increase legibility and accessibility, were made by my daughter, who is four.

Fiveargh. (Crooked Timber) 3. "Scientology. Scientology is younger than John McCain." A fun new website to check out. (Things younger than Republican presidential candidate (oh, and did I forget to mention "war hero"?) John McCain) 4. I had a car full of douchebags (gross, right?) honk at me the other day when I was walking down the street, just wearing a regular old t-shirt and jeans. When I looked up to glare at them, they waved at me, as if to say, "You're welcome." Assholes. Adorable, adorable Ezra Klein parses out perfectly why catcalling is so creepy and disrespectful ('tis the season!):

It's a way of covering insecurity, of asserting your existence by underscoring your physical dominance. It's utterly disgusting.

Catcalling. (Ezra Klein at the American Prospect) 5. William K. Wolfrum once again demonstrates his vast satiristic skillz in Cleveland Cavaliers, Utah Jazz must drop out of playoffs for the good of the NBA. (Shakesville)

John C. Calhoun: Hey, thanks for the Civil War, buddy!

John C. Calhoun had bad hair
He said things of which no one cared
He was of little worth from the day of his birth
To find such a loser is rare
-by me in 11th grade

At left: John C. Calhoun does his best to crush the still-beating heart of the federal Union.


John C. Calhoun was an ugly, ugly, racist, hateful man. John C. Calhoun helped stir the political pot over slavery for DECADES in the first half of the nineteenth century. He is responsible for the doctrine of "nullification" that basically says states can just say "No, thanks" to federal laws, and endorsed the right of secession. Did I mention that he was from South Carolina? He was nicknamed the "cast-iron man" because he looked like he'd been hit in the face with a cast-iron pan. Or maybe it was because he just really, really, really wanted to defend slavery. Like, a lot. After attending Yale, marrying his first cousin once removed FLORIDE COLHOUN CALHOUN, and passing the bar, John C. Calhoun jumped pretty quickly into national politics. First elected to the House of Representatives at the age of 28, Calhoun helped set the stage for national debates with such illustrious colleagues as Daniel Webster and Henry Clay over the role of federalism in the U.S. He was also a big war hawk. He was like Fox News for the War of 1812. He ended up serving as the Secretary of War (I wish we still used this incredibly honest title) under Monroe, and helped fuck over Native Americans by insisting that Indians either assimilate or go west. John C. Calhoun was not cool with the melaninally-enhanced.

At first, everybody was all on the "Let's build a national system of roads and shit" train, but things got complicated after the Corrupt Bargain of 1824. Calhoun had jumped into the presidential race early, but found little support, so ended up running and winning as Vice President in the nail-biter between John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, and Henry Clay. Well, Adams ended up President, Clay the Secretary of State, and Jackson, well, he lived to fight another day. As we know. John C. Calhoun was pretty disillusioned with how the whole deal played out. He had realized that sleazy politicians could manipulate the federal government to their own whims. DUH. What did he think the electoral college was for? Democracy? Fat chance! Oh, and in the meantime, his poor wife Crest or whatever was giving birth to baby after baby (ten in 18 years; with seven surviving infancy). With a father that looked like that, and all that inbreeding, the poor Calhoun children probably never stood a chance, looks-wise.

But so anyway, as VP, Calhoun had nothing better to do than just sit around and come up with crappy political philosophy. Especially since he pretty much hated Adams after the election and was totally on Team Jackson. After the passage of some tariffs (Tariff of Abominations, anyone?) that fucked over the Southern economy, Calhoun was like, "Oh no, you didn't."So he started advocating nullification and "states' rights." He joined the Jackson campaign in 1828, and became his Vice President.* But Calhoun had conflicts with Andrew Jackson too. I'm starting to think maybe John C. Calhoun was just an asshole control freak. Maybe. But the best conflict came along with the Peggy Eaton Affair. (See my Martin Van Buren post to read more insightful insights about this political era.) APPARENTLY (said in my mother's best gossipy voice) ol' Mrs. Colgate Colhoun Calhoun was the instigator of the whole gossip/ snubbing/ scandal that tore apart Jackson's Cabinet. I guess Calhoun's wife/cousin sucked about as much as he did. Calhoun ended up resigning, but he was like, "Whatever, I didn't want to be your vice president anyway, I'm going to run for Senate!"

John C. Calhoun made his biggest waves and wore his worst haircuts as a U.S. Senator for the state of South Carolina. After the nasty Nullification Crisis of 1832, the public was aware of Calhoun's sectionalist views. In the Senate over the next couple decades (close enough, including a brief stint as Tyler's Secretary of State), John C. Calhoun helped push the pro-slavery anti-nationalist agenda. He helped contribute to such gems of statesmanship as the Fugitive Slave Law and the Compromise of 1850. He gave speeches on the floor of the Senate about how inferior blacks were and how slavery was a "positive good" that protected them from themselves. Calhoun died in 1850 of tuberculosis. But don't worry, his philosophies on state-federal relations helped bring about the Confederacy. Also, lots of shit got named after him, including a dorm at Yale and a lake here in the Twin Cities!

FYI: I am totally going to have nightmares about JCC tonight.



*The only other person to serve as VP to two different Presidents was George Clinton. No, not THAT George Clinton. Though you can't knock the P-Funk.


-This post is totally for Julia, who specifically requested it. You too can request posts at any time. Seriously. Whenever. I'm just waiting. Drop 'em in the comments.

Hot guy with funny accent endorses other hot guy with funny name

"Not in our America, and not in our America when Barack Obama is President of the United States." John Edwards, stop inspiring me to be inspired by other inspirational politicians, I'm DONE.

WTF, Marmaduke?

If by classy you mean "lazy and pretentious (though not as pretentious as a limo)," then yes, yes it is classy. I also like how Marmaduke can somehow pay for a taxi but can't afford luggage and has to use a classic hobo bundle on a stick. Is that the bone of one of his hapless victims sticking out of that bandanna? Another question: why does that cab have suicide doors? And how do they know he's running away? He could just be off for an illicit rendezvous at a trashy motel, but doesn't want to risk having his car seen in the parking lot. I think Brad Anderson just gets stoned and draws Marmaduke doing ridiculous shit. Then he puts the comics in a drawer and forgets about them for a while. Later, he gets stoned again and writes the captions, totally cracking himself up the whole time.

Sparks: alcohol + caffeine = magic

This is an actual microscopic photo of what happens to Sparks molecules in your stomach. Doesn't it feel delicious?

I love Sparks. Get over it. I'm like a trashy alcoholic 12 year-old,* and I don't care. You may say, "Lauren, isn't it bad to mix uppers and downers?" And I would reply, "I don't know! Do I look like a drug fiend?" Then you might also say, "But Sparks is gross!" And I would say, "Yes, yes it is. So?" But let me tell you a little story about Sparks, okay? It goes like this: make it the first drink of the night. If you want to start drinking, but you're feeling a little tired, just have a Sparks! Seriously. And if that 6% isn't doin' it for you, just drink it down a bit and pour some vodka in.** You'll never taste it. You know why? Because Sparks tastes like the "citrus" flavor of vitamin C tablets. In liquid form. I know, right? Why would anyone drink it? Better question: why would anyone NOT drink it? It comes in a can that looks like a BATTERY! If that doesn't scream "carcinogens contained within," I don't know what does. But god knows getting cancer from alcohol is way cooler than getting it from my Nalgene bottle (unless my Nalgene is full of Sparks, in which case it's really a tossup). I should also mention that you do get used to the taste after the first couple sips, and it's sure as hell a lot more badass than Boone's Farm, okay?

Sparks is also good for:

1- Drinking in front of oblivious parents/children/people who are less trashy than you who just think you're having an energy drink.

2- Low alcohol content + 16 whole oz. = perfect for drinking games for non-beer drinkers.

3- Bringing in a water bottle to a play/movie/wedding/whatever. If you spill, it just looks like orange soda or gatorade. But it's BOOZE.

4. Buying a drink on the go (AKA gas stations and grocery stores where the liquor laws are more liberal than Minnesota's).

Do not attempt:

1- To drink more than one or two Sparks in a sitting. Gross.

2- Any of the drink recipes listed at the Sparks website (linked above) that suggest mixing it with Mickey's, High Life, and other things that are shitty beer; which are EXACTLY what I'm avoiding by drinking Sparks.

3- Sparks Light. Ew. That's like making diet brownies: why bother? Just become drunkorexic if you're really that worried about it.

4- To convince others that it tastes good. Empirically, this claim will never hold up. Sparks is gross. But I like it anyway. And so should you.


*Dear real-life 12 year-olds,

Please wait a few years to start killing all your brain cells. Now is the time to read a lot, build up your nerd cred, and get good grades so you can go to a fancy liberal arts college with other nerds who like to party and have brain cells to spare. And besides, most 12 year-old alcoholics are not nearly as cute as Drew Barrymore and are much, much sadder.

Sincerely,
Someone Who Never Drank Until She Was 21 Because She Was Mormon But Still Managed to Have Lots of Wholesome Fun in the Meantime

**There's also "Sparks Plus" that is 7%. Apparently this is due to the increased positive charge. Or something.

Tuesday Tidbits

All that glorious Joe Soucheray-bashing and today's template-fussing-with has left me awfully uninspired. Or perhaps I should just start admitting that uninspired is my most natural state. Inspiration wouldn't really be special if it was a consistent state of being. So anyway, some links and whatnot: -Apparently some people shave at their desks. Ew. I think this is a plus to working in an office full of women; no one would bother shaving their legs at their desk. I hope. But I hadn't mentioned facial hair in a while, so I thought it was time to live up to my own masthead. Don't mess with genius. (Embrace Your Inner Nerd) -New(to me) blogger Lisa Kansas has a great discussion about abstinence. Key quote:

Why is it so important to not have sex? Why the obsession? After having read multiple articles and surfed too many websites, I have come to the following conclusion: There is no abstinence movement that is not based in an organized patriarchal religion.

Personally, I am SHOCKED to learn that the patriarchy might be involved in this whole "no-sex" thing. Shocked and appalled. All These Posts about the Abstinence Clearinghouse Have Inspired Me. (Punkass Blog) I don't have anything else cool to share right now. I was tragically lacking in internet access for much of the weekend. However, this did allow my hands and wrists to rest a little (repetitive stress, anyone?), and they actually do not hurt today. So, huzzah! The Sexy Gay Jesus always has a plan.

Local columnist finally too annoying to ignore

Please stop funding this man's career.

Dear Joe Soucheray,*

I hate you. Your column sucks. As the mouthpiece of the "You Kids Get Off My Lawn" demographic, your writing is pretty much Pluggers in a "political commentary"-type forum. And I thought nothing could be worse than Pluggers. Well, I thought wrong. I've been able to pretend you don't exist ever since you pissed me off by claiming we didn't need to spend that much tax money and/or time to replace the 35W bridge.** WHATEVER. But that was until yesterday. Yesterday I saw this headline sneering at me: "Hillary's coffee cup runneth over -- with humiliation."

First sentence:

When at last they shoot a large tranquilizer dart into her behind and drag her off the national stage, the lasting memory I will have of Hillary Clinton is Hillary at the coffee machine.

TRANQUILIZER DART?!!*** Ahem. Hillary Clinton is apparently a large, rampaging wild animal that must be "put down" to avoid causing damage to regular Americans. Yep, regular Americans who drink crappy gas station coffee. I see that one of the neighbor kids showed you how to use the "YouToobz" and you were able to see a video of her being confused by an automatic coffee machine. As a non-coffee drinker, I have to say that whenever I have to use one of those machines to fill up some hot chocolate or something, I definitely have to read the directions and look around for the lids and sometimes fuck it up and spill a little. And I don't even have the national press corps recording my every clumsy move. It could be that my blonde female compatriot and I are just DUMB, but I imagine you and your "traditional values"-promoting friends in the media are trying to promote the idea that she's "out of touch" and "elite." Can I just say something? Wait, why did I ask your permission? I'm going to say something: WHO GIVES A FUCK? You make a big deal about how she showed up at a gas station for some (admittedly dumb) publicity stunt about gas taxes or whatever, and not only did you accuse her of only "pretend[ing] to understand how gas gets pumped," but you also make a big show of calling out that

...[B]ehind her was the large carbon footprint of six Suburbans full of security people, two squad cars and a news van with the press pool and the photographers.

Ahem. Again. God, I must have something in my throat. I'm just going to point out a few things here. Hillary Clinton doesn't "pretend" to know how gas is pumped. I am 100% POSITIVE that at one time, Hillary Clinton regularly pumped her own gas. It's not like she's from Oregon. Oh, and I'm sure that condescending tone has NOTHING to do with her gender. NOTHING AT ALL. (More on this later, obvs.) Also, it is obvious to me that you, Joe Soucheray, don't give a fuck about anybody's carbon footprint and you're just trying to make fun of liberal environmentalists. We are aware that this was a public event. Did you know that Hillary Clinton is not only a presidential candidate and a United States Senator, but also the former First Lady?!!! Do you know that that means she gets, like, super-extra-awesome Secret Service service, whether she wants it or not? So, even if she wanted to pop down to the SA for some of their gourmet roast every morning, it might be too much of a hassle. It might actually make sense for someone to get her coffee for her. And sometimes it might even be SLIGHTLY classier than gas station coffee.

And another thing, you accuse Hillary Clinton with the ol' "inauthentic" chestnut by pointing out that the ridiculous truck bed she gave a speech from was a restored classic pick-up that WASN'T EVEN DIRTY. I'm not saying the whole truck thing was a good idea, it was stupid. Obviously. But The Sexy Gay Jesus and I both know that if she had pulled out a "real workingman's" truck with mud all over it, you would have accused her of pandering even more. Going on about her "pantsuits,"**** and how she's encroaching on the GARAGE, where only men, working men, dirty working men who pump their own gas and can use an automatic coffee machine blindfolded and with one grease-stained and calloused hand tied behind their backs belong.

But the most revealing moment came for me at the end of this week's column:

I liked her at that moment. She seemed so ultimately vulnerable.

When they come to get her with the dart or the net, I hope somebody takes care of her.

So you only like helpless little ladies. I get it; it's a misogynist thing. But Hillary's, like, totally PMS-ing and just WILL NOT get off the stage like a good girl. So you're not going to ask nicely anymore, you're just going to drug her against her will and drag her away like a sea turtle we can tag and track.***** But don't worry, Hillsy, we'll find you a nice lady friend to take care of you. Maybe she can show you which button to push on the coffee machine. Now, lest you accuse me of being a humorless feminist who is just LOOKING for misogyny in all the wrong places, I present to you:

EXHIBIT A: Your radio show's dictionary. Perhaps I will post on just this one day if I can stomach talking about you again.

EXHIBIT B: This not-so-subtly gender-based Hillary-bashing is part of a widespread misogynist backlash. See Shakesville's (now) 90-part series.

So, in closing: You may have called yourself an "amateur psychiatrist" in this column, but in my heart, you're a professional douchebag. Still, always, and forever.

Love and vodka shots,

Lauren



*Or should I say DOUCHE-eray? Haha.

**I'm not going to lie, I kind of hope this (not-)recession turns into a depression and we totally bring back the Works Progress Administration and finally fucking reinvest in our crumbling infrastructure, not mention funding the arts. Also, I bet those working for the WPA would have to partake of Teh Dreaded Socialized Medicine! Of course, "FDR" was probably a dirty acronym in the Soucheray household growing up.

***Something I should not have to point out: Any time you make light of violence against an individual woman, even imagined violence, you are promoting violence against ALL women. It's called a SYSTEM OF OPPRESSION for a reason, and threats against one of us are used to subdue and control all of us. This is not up for debate. Unless you are an asshole. Which I suppose is why we're here in the first place.

****What is the media obsession with pantsuits? Men wear pantsuits all the time. But they're boys, and their outfits are the norm by which all other variations of clothing are measured, so they just get to have "suits." I mean, come on, do we make a big deal when women wear "skirt suits?" Maybe if a candidate started wearing a "tiger suit" or a "glow-in-the-dark swimsuit" on the campaign trail, we could start making a thing about it.

*****I actually think tracking animals with electronic devices or putting cameras on them and following them is really cool. For, like, educational purposes. Not cool for people.

Inside jokes between me and the internet

I just have to mention that I got secret joy when at a book club meeting this weekend where we were discussing the AWESOME book by Lauren Groff, The Monsters of Templeton, I was able to refer to one of the characters and say, "Marmaduke is an asshole." And even though nobody else in the group caught it, I chuckled to myself. Because I am a nerdy nerd nerd who spends way too much time on the internet. Also, probably everyone else was just like, "Lauren's gotten drunk on red wine at book club again. Shock shock." UPDATE: There is a character whose first name is Marmaduke. This book does not include references to everyone's favorite poorly-drawn jackass canine.

So lazy, so tired

I've no inspirado for today, and I'm leaving work a few hours early because I decided I was going to. There is an awesome nap in my near future. But in the meantime, here's some Mr. Deity:

From Crackle: Mr. Deity and the Really Cheap Meal-Season 2, Ep 5

Gerald Ford: Unelected Jock President

OMG, the hair.

You know, I was reading about Gerald Ford's earlier life, when he was a football star at the University of Michigan and turned down some NFL recruitment offers to go to law school (he eventually got into Yale's), and thinking about how he's a Republican and never did anything of note in his 25 years in the House of Representatives, despite serving as the Minority Leader for, like, eight years, and I was like, "God, Gerald Ford sounds kind of like a douchebag." But then I continued reading the Wikipedia article I'm using as my one and only source for this post, and I decided that he didn't suck quite as much as he could have as President, and certainly not after his presidency.

Gerald Rudolph Ford, Jr. was not born with that name. His birth certificate said Leslie Lynch King, Jr., because in 1913 Leslie was still a boy's name, and he was named after his biological father. Apparently LLK, Sr. was an abusive asshole, and he and Jr.'s mother divorced when he was a baby. Later she married Gerald Rudolff Ford, who never officially adopted the future president, but she started calling her son Gerald, Jr. and he legally changed it in 1935. At the University of Michigan, the Eagle Scout was the star of the football team, was in a fraternity, and majored in poli sci. After doing some football and boxing coaching and finishing law school, Gerald Ford joined the Navy to fight in WWII. His main tour of duty took place in the Pacific Theater, where they were engaged in the Marianas(!), among other places. And one time Gerald Ford heroically led some men to put out a dangerous below-deck fire. I think Gerald Ford was kind of a badass. He did some more coaching before his stint in the military was up, won a bunch of medals, and decided he was committed to internationalism (he'd been all Charles Lindbergh isolationist-y before the U.S. was attacked).

At various points in his life, Gerald Ford became a member of the Elks, the American Legion, the VFW, AMVETS (too lazy to find out what this is), and the FREEMASONS (that's emphasis, not a really long acronym). Fucking Freemasons. I wonder if he knew about the Confederate treasure hidden in Mt. Rushmore. But anyway, Gerald Ford married model/dancer/divorcee/future-famous drug addict Betty Ford, who is kind of awesome. And did you know that LBJ appointed Ford to the Warren Commission to investigate JFK's assassination, and was the guy to write Lee Harvey Oswald's biography for the report? Because you do now. I do wonder what kind of slant he put on the whole thing.*

Gerald Ford signed the Helsinki Accords so it would be easier to import ushankas from Russia.

Anyway, apparently Richard Nixon did some sketchy things as President (who knew?), but first his VP Spiro T. "Agnew" Anagnostopoulos (his dad actually shortened their name to Agnew, but I think Anagnostopoulos is way better. Anagnostopoulos. I'm just copying and pasting this, but imagine all the misspellings and the ink that would be used if his family has stayed the Anagnostopouloses.) took a bunch of bribes and had to resign in 1973. Richard Nixon was like, "Dear Congressional Leaders, Who should I choose for my new Vice President? Love, Dickie." And Congress was like, "You're taking Gerald Ford whether you like it or not." And so he did. It is unclear whether he liked it or not. But then Nixon had to resign because he "participated in illegal activities," and Gerald Ford, who had not been elected by the American people to be either Vice President OR President, took the oath of office in August 1974. Then Gerald Ford told America that they should "confirm me as your president with your prayers." Apparently Gerald Ford was not counting on the atheist vote. Now it is time to list some things that happened during his short stint as POTUS:

1. Pardoned Nixon. Supposedly this was a controversial move, but for the life of me I cannot figure out why.

2. Helped "popularize" the Whip Inflation Now (WIN) pin.**

3. He got caught in the middle of a "swine flu" scare in which more people died from the vaccinations than the flu itself. Do you guys remember how the avian flu was going to kill us all? Man. I mean, I'm really glad it didn't come to America and start killing lots of people, but I had to avoid touching live chickens for MONTHS before they thought it would be safe again. Highly inconvenient.

4. A couple of women tried to shoot him. The first one was part of the Manson Family. The second one just got paroled in December. Maybe they didn't agree with his support of the ERA.

5. He appointed Stevens to SCOTUS. That didn't quite turn out the way people expected.

6. He presided over the 1976 bicentennial celebrations. I bet everyone was wearing like 89757832687 flag lapel pins during that shit. However, Ford and his new running partner, Bob Dole, still lost to Jimmy Carter in November. For some reason, people weren't so big on "Republicans" at that time.

7. Oh, and he like pulled everybody out of Vietnam finally and helped establish detente with the USSR or something.

8. He had a golden retriever named "Liberty." That is so much lamer than the dog Nixon got from Khruschev named "Checkers." Sorry, Jerry.

POST-PRESIDENCY:

1. Eventually came out in favor of gay rights and as a pro-choice proponent.

2. Served on lots of councils and committees and started his own school of public policy or something.

3. He was our longest-lived U.S. President, dying in 2006 at the age of 93.

4. Holds a special place in the hearts of millions of Reagan-era-born children as "that one guy who Chevy Chase played and was always falling down or whatever, right?"




*I am not accusing Gerald Ford of special bias. Everybody has a slant. Duh.

**These were not actually popular. Nor did they do anything to improve the economy.

Quote o' the Day: Owning Sluttiness Edition

"I know I can tend to be all TMI, but I think that's because I place a lot of emphasis on I, and if people think that's TM, then TS." -Slut Machine at Jezebel on The Sexist Business of Sex Writing.

$$$

Dear U.S. Treasury, Thx for the $600. I'm sure I'll do something with it that will not stimulate the economy. Like buy something secondhand. Or in a foreign country. But I appreciate it all the same. Love, Lauren

New Favorite Drink: The Midori Ecto-Kooler

Now that I've discovered this drink, I'll probably need this many bottles to get me through the next few months.

This delightful new cocktail was invented by my own Best TV Friend (Forever!) and roommate Ka$h. While she does not support me using the k in "kooler," I fear I must in order to differentiate it from other drinks of that name. Mainly: Ghostbusters' Slimer's Hi-C Ecto Cooler (read an awesome account of its history and how you can still find it, at least back in 2002). So I apologize for bastardizing the English language, but I want her drink to be DISTINCTIVE, dammit. I had long (by long, I mean not really actively) looked for a delightful use for our large bottle of tasty melon-y Midori that we had bought to make a specific cocktail we ended up not really liking. Anyhow, Ka$h got resourceful recently with the ingredients we had lying around and stumbled upon MAGIC:

The Midori Ecto-Kooler

1 part vodka
1 part Midori
2 parts some club soda
lemonade to taste however much lemonade you want

This is especially delicious, as we discovered, with raspberry lemonade, because that's what kind we had in the freezer. It tastes like awesome tasty boozy kool-aid. You will not be sorry. Also, Midori is a fun color. And it's great to play our 100+ rules of the X-Files Drinking Game (perhaps I will post them all some time) with.



UPDATE: Just in case you were worried about that shitty Goldschlager Whatshisname left in my cabinet: a friend of Ka$h's actually likes that shit and took it off our hands. Now the only crappy booze left in our cabinet is our own damn fault.

ADDITIONAL UPDATE: Apparently I didn't write the proportions to Ka$h's liking. Whatever. Just put it all in there and it'll taste good.

ANTM blahblahblah

My wishful thinking was foiled and they got rid of KatarZYna. So I've replaced her with Whitney because I swear to god if Dominique makes it into the top 3, I'll do something drastic. Like complain a lot. I thought about boycotting the rest of the season, but who are we kidding? What else am I going to do on Wednesday night? I've fallen way back to 425th place, and with so few contestants left, it's hard to really get an advantage over other players. I don't really think you win anything anyway, but whatevs. It amuses me.

500 bonus points awarded to Kelsy

I received a package from my sister yesterday in which she returned my copies of seasons 6 and 7 of The West Wing and also included a mix CD she made for me. It looked like the usual random fare, heavily influenced by classic rock. I was listening to it today here in my cube, when track 16 ended, which was the last listed on the little jewel case insert she gave me. No mention of any songs past that, but then came the glory of this little gem: SUPER SECRET BONUS TRACK BY REAL MCCOY = +500. I will never forget the dance she and some friends of mine did in the talent show in fifth grade to this song. Actually, I have forgotten it. But whatever, this song is still catchy/vaguely creepy as all hell.

Quote o' the Day: Atheist version

"I think facing up to reality is freeing, because it makes you realize life is what we make of it, and if we spend our time trying to improve the world instead of worrying what an imaginary god has planned for us, we’ll be a lot more effective at genuinely making life better for humanity. But it’s also true that believing in god might seem like a relief from the responsibility of thinking for yourself." -Amanda Marcotte at Pandagon.* This makes me realize I need to get back to Richard Rorty, who was abandoned on an ill-fated foray into Nietzsche, which was dropped for the delights of book club books and everything else that I wanted to read more. Or at all. But I should probably get on this shit before I go back to school in the fall and never have time to read for pleasure ever again. *Yes, I know I link to the same people over and over again, but that is because they are awesome and good writers and WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, PEOPLE, I CAN'T READ EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET, I HAVE TO WORK SOMETIMES.

The Family Circus endorses gender segregation

I bet Dolly's brothers wish they had a zenana in their house. Although, I kind of wish the whole Keane household would just be engulfed in a freak barbecue explosion.

When I was growing up, my mother decided we should start going on trips that involved us staying at KOA Kamping Kabins. Bil Keane has sold his motherfucking soul to those KOA bastards, and his comics are all over everything. Well, a cursory glance at the website tells me that perhaps their licensing agreement expired, but whatever, using inappropriate letters (K for C) just because it's "cute" + creepy wholesome cartoons = I hate you. Also, does anyone else find the excessive use of Ks a little suspicious? I mean, I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but I don't remember ever seeing any black people at a KOA. Of course, maybe most black people don't feel the need to drag their children to fake-rustic cabins near any and all historical or natural sites of tourist interest in the Western United States.

Via The Comics Curmudgeon.

Good read'ns on sexism

There is no particular reason why I am using a picture of this douchebag to illustrate this post.

There are a couple of stellar posts by my favoritest bloggers on sexism that I've been meaning to link to, but had been feeling uninspired about actually doing it. So, without further ado:

Amanda Marcotte* wrote an AWESOME post a while back about defining terms, "Misogny v. sexism v. the patriarchy" over at Pandagon that discussed some of the issues of language involved in articulating a political message. Amanda is responding to someone who thinks "misogyny" is a scary word that shouldn't be used because the menz have only been oppressing women for their PROTECTION, not because they "hate" them.** Nice try. Amanda strikes back that actually, Misogyny is a tool of the System of Sexism that holds up Teh Patriarchy (TRIPLE WORD SCORE!). But she does concede that

I do get Kristof’s point about the word 'misogyny', which is defined as 'hatred for women', which seems a little off. I would actually characterize misogyny as 'fear and loathing of women', which is why a man who claims to be 'protecting' women by depriving them of their freedom is a misogynist.

Something about that discussion reminds me of the confusion around the term "homophobia." "I'm not a-skeered of queers," a bigot*** might say, "I just hate 'em!" SAME DIF. Anyway, Amanda makes a good argument out of parsing terms and showing how explaining the language can help explain the system.

And then TA-DA I read another brilliant post ("Feminism 101: 'Sexism is a matter of opinion'") by Melissa McEwan of Shakesville. She explains why drawing attention to expressed sexism against women (AKA misogyny) isn't just a bunch of uptight feminists looking for something to complain about: SEXISM EXISTS WHETHER WE RECOGNIZE IT OR NOT. But leave it to Melissa to explain privilege and socialization in the perfect way:

The patriarchy is very like the Matrix, in that it is a false construct laid over the top of a reality, that makes things look very different. Viewing the same thing while fully and uncritically socialized into the patriarchy and while cognizant of its falsity creates two very different pictures.

She is constantly blowing my fucking mind. So go read the whole thing. Soak in the delicious warmth and magic of the feminist-o-sphere, though it has been going through a rough patch lately, it is still full of knowledge and passion. Though, let's be honest, I'll probably return to bitching about Pluggers tomorrow.



*Yeah, I know she's been embroiled in this "her book has racist imagery illustrating it" controversy, but she apologized, and I think is sincerely embarrassed and penitent. I still haven't cracked my copy of her book because I've had a pile of awesomeness I compulsively bought off Amazon/checked out of the library first, but I look forward to be offended by the pictures and hopefully enjoying the writing despite it. And that's really all I have to say about that. An interesting take from The Apostate about the whole thing (who I found via Bitch Ph.D. and am really digging), though she does take a shot at dear Hugo Schwyzer, whose sensitivity I find to be sweet and certainly well-earned. And this is why I sometimes fail to engage in blogging about the beauty that can be found in the feminist blogosphere: it can get a little crazy, and I have to spend all this time linking everybody ever. And my laziness is legendary.

**Also, anyone who uses "evolutionary psychology" to explain modern gender relations is pretty much automatically an asshole who is trying to come up with scientific reasoning for their sexist bullshit.

***No, it is not prejudiced to characterize homophobes as backwoods know-nothing-types. Or maybe it is, and I just don't care because I both fear and loathe rednecks and homobigots, and I enjoy conflating the two as one because STEREOTYPES ARE FUN AND EASY. I should write advertising for stereotypes.

But it's sure as hell a lot more convenient than having to do it by hand

So... are they just going to protest "science," or are they going to find the over 10 million American women who use hormonal birth control and picket their medicine cabinets? Just wondering. I might want to hide my delicious baby casseroles and pies before they come over, is all.


Via Pandagon.

Quote o' the Day: Twisty says good things funny-like (as per usual)

"I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: because of Dude Nation’s successful propaganda campaign, most women wouldn’t be feminists with a 10 foot pole, and the few who buck this trend are required to spend 83.7% of their time begging the citizenry to believe that they don’t hate men and aren’t crazy." -Twisty Faster at I Blame the Patriarchy. Can I just say for that record that I DO hate men and I AM crazy. But my views do not necessarily reflect those of the feminist movement as a whole. Thank you.

Default Friday space-filler: Pluggers tries and fails at topical joke

Hey kids, is it just me, or does this not make any sense? First of all, you're not really SUPPOSED to top of your tank, because it puts you at higher risk for spills. Which are dangerous. And annoying if you work at a gas station. I was glad I never had to clean up any spills when I was pulling opening or closing shifts at the Safeway gas station. Having to explain how to use the pump OVER AND OVER to old people so they could use their Safeway cards to get $.03 off a gallon was bad enough without having to remember all those safety protocols for cleanups. Although one time I did catch a woman pumping gas into her giant SUV with the engine running and I overcame my natural aversion to speaking to customers because I didn't fancy being blown up, and walked up to her and demanded to know what she was doing. And this was not some clueless 16 year-old. This was like a 30 year-old woman with some kids who I'm pretty sure was capable of reading the NO SMOKING/TURN OFF YOUR ENGINE signs posted all over everything everywhere at every gas station.

But anyway, pluggers. The syntax is a little off, but I think I may have finally parsed what it means. Does this joke mean that the gas at the "bottom" of the tank was really cheap? Are they trying to imply that they haven't filled the tank since the 1950s? Is that even possible? How is this car even still running? It has 50 year-old gas burning* in its engine! I know pluggers are cheap, but seriously, WTF? Has it just been sitting in a barn for the last several decades? Is this an undead zombie plugger that has come back from the grave to retrieve his crappy old car, only to find that gas costs ten times more than when he was human? And now he's going to complain about it. God, even zombie pluggers are downers. I bet they only feast on the cheapest and most unappealing human flesh. Plugger zombies wouldn't be caught DEAD eating any of those east-coast elite latte-drinking brains. Nosirree. Pluggers prefer to suffer. It gives their lives meaning. They wouldn't know what to talk about if they weren't either bitching about how shitty life is or bragging about how cheap they are. Goddamn pluggers.


*Or whatever it is gas does in a car.

Exploring the American Empire: WTF is with Guam?

I decided to take a break from presidential blogging this Thursday and instead took a closer look at one of America's not-states. Because I've kind of been wondering what the deal is with them, and I know you're dying to find out too!

Guam is pretty. And full of U.S. military installations.

Ever since I first knew it existed, I had a vague idea that Guam was some Puerto Rico-like island holding of the U.S., but in the Pacific Ocean. And like Puerto Rico, we won Guam in the Spanish-American War. Unfortunately, Teddy Roosevelt never went there. In my very limited research, it looks like the only President who has been there is Bill Clinton in 1998. And he managed not to throw up on anyone, so bully for him! Now, the island of Guam is about 210 square miles, or roughly the size of three Districts of Columbia.* Now you can picture it. It is the biggest and southernmost of the U.S.-held Mariana Islands, as well as the largest island in Micronesia. Which is not a country, evidently. Guam apparently doesn't have the shady reputation for forced labor practices, etc. like those silly Northern Marianas Islands. So, you know, that's good. Guam was occupied by the Japanese for a few years during WWII; which, as you can imagine, did not bode well for the local population. But the U.S. won it back in the Battle of Guam in July 1944, and we let them have their own civilian government and U.S. citizenship in 1950. They're a "territory" and I just learned that we have a Territorial Clause in the Constitution that we've been using to fuck over brown people for a long time.

Now, speaking of the local population: who are they? you might ask. Well, that is why you have me to read the Wikipedia articles and then summarize them in an amusing manner (hopefully). The Marianas have been inhabited by the indigenous Chamorros for about 4,000 years. People who are experts about this sort of thing think today's Chamorros' ancestors came by boat from Indonesia in about 2000 B.C.E. And then they built, like, a culture and were traders and sailors, and even invented a stringed instrument called a belembaotuyan, which is made out of a gourd. Which is probably cheaper than a guitar. I would guess. So Magellan--no, not THAT Magellan, the explorer--hit Guam in 1521 during his ill-fated round-the-world cruise. Some other guy claimed the island for Spain 1565, at which point it was considered part of the Spanish colony of the Philippines (we also won that in the Spanish-American War. Wow, we really kicked those conquistadors' asses!). Some priest guy took it upon himself to bring the wrath of the Roman Catholic Church to Guam in the seventeenth century. The Chamorros didn't really appreciate the Church's efforts. There was a war. For like a quarter-century. But the Church always wins.**

Luckily, the Chamorro matriarchs were able to preserve some of the indigenous culture through the centuries of European rule. About 85% of Guamanians (giggle) are Catholic to this day. Sooo... good job with the forcible conversions, team. Most of the island's population is Chamorro, with large Filipino and white minorities. English and Chamorro are the official languages of Guam. Chamorro is an agglutinating language. Which has nothing to do with bread. It is related to other Austronesian languages like Malay, Indonesian, and Javanese. Chomorro has borrowed a lot of Spanish over the years, but it's not a pidgin or a creole, it just takes words and incorporates them into the Chomorro morphosyntactic rules. But English is starting to replace Chomorro with younger Guamanians, many of whom choose to move to the mainland U.S. It is now time to stop writing paragraphs, and start listing random facts about Guam:

1. Guam's economy is propped up by Japanese tourists and U.S. military bases. In fact, we're moving a bunch of marines or something there from Okinawa in the next several years, bumping up the island's population by like, 25%. Sorry in advance, Guam.

2. Guam elects a non-voting member to the House of Representatives. But they're just a motherfucking territory, so they count for nothing. Their presidential straw poll doesn't count for much, either, since they have no electoral votes, but at least the parties let them send delegates to the convention. Wouldn't it be awesome if HRod Clinton staged a comeback with a bunch of delegates from all the U.S. territories? Suck on that, Iowa!

3. It's hot there. 76-86 degrees Fahrenheit. And sometimes they have earthquakes because they're right by a huge fault line or whatever. Luckily the active volcanoes are only in the Northern Marianas. But they do get typhoons.

4. Guam is sometimes called "America in Asia." This is apparently because rich Japanese people come to the resorts and go shopping at all the duty-free designer retail outlets.

5. Guam's natural animal population has been fucked up by bioinvasion, especially by the brown tree snake, which I saw in a picture and it looked yellow. But it could've been the flash 'cause it was nighttime 'cause they're nocturnal.

6. Guam has a K-Mart.

7. I have a sinking feeling that things do not bode well for Guam. Bless America's heart, but seriously, I'm sure we'll fuck it up like we do everything else.


* But the same amount of federal representation! (-1 congressperson)

**Some may say that this is because god is on their side. I'm skeptical. The Sexy Gay Jesus would certainly never involve himself in oppression and genocide. But I suppose that's probably why it was never called the "Holy Sexy Gay Jesus Empire." 'Tis a shame, really. I would totally join that empire.